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Enjoy,Everybody Remembers Their First Snow Job
Tony Snow, in his very first outing as press secretary, made the statement that “I don't want to hug the tar baby of trying to comment on the program” to collect Americans’ phone records. When it was pointed out that the term “tar baby” was considered a racial epithet by many people, Snow, who, as a Fox News anchor once argued that racism in America was a dead issue, argued that the term came from an Uncle Remus story and, therefore, when he used it he had no racist intent.
I could make fun of Snow, but, you know, that would just be shaving the redneck moron bastard. What? No, that’s not being racist! Don’t you know the Brothers Grimm story about the village idiot, born out of wedlock, with some strange rash on his throat that turned it a deep crimson? A couple of children convince him that the rash will go away if he shaves his neck, even though he has no facial hair. He shaves for weeks, but nothing changes, so he eats the children. They didn’t call them Grimm fairy tales for nothing.
Anyway, “shaving the redneck moron bastard” became a metaphor for any futile gesture. Surely, no white person could be offended by the phrase.
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
Is The Dunking Pail Half Full Or Half Empty?
The bad news is that, according to one source, there are dozens of investigations of leaks going on at the CIA. If successful, the investigations could make it harder for the American public to find out about such things as European torture spas or the treatment of prisoners at Abu Ghraib.
The good news is that the CIA is doing the investigating, so they’ll probably get it wrong.
The better news is that while investigating themselves for leaks, CIA agents won’t be torturing people in European spas or Abu Ghraib.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
Logrolling For Beginners
Getting rich and powerful people to shill for you is a really easy process.
STEP ONE: appoint rich and powerful people to the boards of one of your corporations, at a modest fee (but, not too modest – $25,000 a year for showing up to four board meetings is considered a bare minimum, just short of an insult).
STEP TWO: when you publish a book, ask all of your rich and powerful friends to write about how wonderful it is.
What, you say you’re not Conrad Black? Well, obviously, you don’t deserve to have friends like William F. Buckley or George Will, then.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
The Lord Fleeces Little Old Ladies In Mysterious Ways
In response to his conviction on fraud charges, former Enron honcho Kenneth Lay stated, “God, in fact, is in control and indeed he does work all things for good for those who love the Lord.”
In a press release, God responded, “I met Kenneth Lay socially on two or three occasions, but otherwise had no dealings with him, Jeff Skilling or anybody else at Enron. Mister Lay also cheats at golf. Other than that, I have no comment.”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
Remember: Geometry Is Part Of The World Of Facts
Talking about the war in Iraq, the President told the National Restaurant Association that “we have now reached a turning point in the struggle between freedom and terror.” Given how many times we have reached a turning point in Iraq, is it any wonder that we seem to be going in circles?
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
Patriotism Redefined
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
New Thinking On Peace In The Middle East
They said all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. I said it was more like a genetic predisposition. Still, they just wouldn’t shut up about the whole vacation thing, so, after 23 years, I finally decided to take one. I wanted to go to Afghanistan because it sounded exciting. After telling me that I wasn’t taking the whole vacation thing seriously, they convinced me to go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. I didn’t think it would be happening this year, what with the hurricane and all, but they assured me that nothing would stop Mardis Gras. Okay. (“They” aren’t my friends, exactly. More like people who hang out at the same bar as I do and don’t throw things at me when I attempt to engage them in conversation. Not at first, anyway.) So, I’m wandering through the crowds in New Orleans, but every time I look, a woman with lots of bead necklaces is pulling her top down! With that and the young men puking all over the place, well, I don’t really see what all the fuss was about.
If I wanted excitement, I should have gone to Afghanistan, instead. Aww, who am I kidding? If I had gone, they probably would have stopped killing each other until I left!
SOURCE: Boredom Blog
Fixed As In Neutered?
So, Prime Minister Stephen Harper would like to introduce “fixed term” governments, giving himself four years in power that he hadn’t earned at the ballot box. I have some fixed terms for the Prime Minister; unfortunately, this is a family publication, so I can’t use them.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
I Feel A Strengthening Of The Force…
MYTH: Stretch marks from her recent birth will kill Angelina Jolie’s movie career. REALITY: They can be removed digitally. But, why bother? You have to figure that Angelina Jolie’s stretch marks will be the most beautiful stretch marks any woman has ever had.
MYTH: Brad Pitt cut the umbilical cord with his teeth. REALITY: He used a blow torch, as in any other birth.
MYTH: Brad Pitt ate his child’s placenta. REALITY: After witnessing the birth, Pitt became a vegetarian.
MYTH: By paying the Namibian government $300,000, Jolie and Pitt secured their privacy. REALITY: If we don’t have direct access to stars, we’ll make shit up. If they don’t like it, they shouldn’t become stars.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now