Thank you, Saint Ignatius Loyola, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. To be honest, we’re more than a little surprised you signed up, you heretic bastard. You must know that after the Brobdignagian Heresy, we trothed our faith to Saint Francis of Gomorrah, your sworn blood enemy.
We would turn off our computers and renounce the evils of the physical world if we were you. Now.
Enjoy,I Would Happily Trade Some Of That Imagination For A Lick O Common Sense
In an apparent move to soften its stance on Iran, the United States has made a significant new offer. President Bush says that if Iran stops pretending to have the capability to make an atomic bomb, the United States will stop pretending to have the troops to invade the country.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is rumoured to be considering the offer seriously, although one potential sticking point is the Iranian’s insistence on continuing to pretend that the State of Israel doesn’t exist. This is matched by the American insistence on continuing to pretend that Israel’s right to self-defense excuses its brutalization of the Palestinians.
Who says George W. Bush has no imagination?
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
I Never Thought I’d Write A Hockey Poem
And, so far, I’ve been right.
SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
The Eternal Heartbreak Of Too Many Broken Expectations
I wanted to believe him, really, I did. When he leaned over the table, looked deep into my eyes and said, “Kid, we’ve captured 17 members of an Al Qaeda terrorist cell in your home town!”, well, I just about melted right on the spot!
But, I had heard this before. Two hundred times before, as a matter of fact. And, what had come of it? Fifteen convictions, mostly on minor visa violations. Oh, I wanted to believe him when he told me that we were the centre of a terrible terrorist scheme, I wanted to believe him with all of my heart.
But, I just couldn’t.
SOURCE: Arlecchino Enterprises
That Will Be Small Consolation For…For…Mmm, Rice Pudding!
Islamic scholars have suggested that those who believe they will get 72 virgins if they die in a jihad are mistaken. The word “virgins” was a mistranslation; what they will actually get is 72 raisins.
If this is the case, heavenly sex is out. On the plus side, they’ll be able to make a mean rice pudding.
SOURCE: Unicycle
Inquiring Minds Want To Throw (Up)
Can somebody please tell me what Jack Bauer is doing selling Macintosh computers with Intel chips? Did he do the voice overs for them before he was kidnapped by the Chinese, or was he able to escape from that Asia-bound ship? And, in any case, wouldn’t this blow his cover to hell? I’m sure CTU pays shit, but still.
And, another thing: what is Professor Snape doing as the voice in the Ford Focus radio ads? Don’t the Ford people know that he kills Professor Dumbledore in the sixth Harry Potter book? How in the world do they think this going to help them sell cars?
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
Bet The Creators Of DARPANet Never Saw This One In Their Future!
MONDAY: Why do people pronounce the word amphitheatre “ampitheatre?” Do they not understand that the letters “ph” are pronounced like an “f?” Do they call a telephone a “telepone?” Do they study “pysics?” Are they concerned about the disappearance of “ampibians” from the planet? I wish they’d stop it, because they’re really getting on my nerves!
TUESDAY: I think there should be a moratorium on songs that refer to the boy inside the man. Yes, I’m talking to you, Billy Talent. Can we get the United Nations to do something about this?
WEDNESDAY: And, while I’m on the subject, could somebody please tell the Arctic Monkeys that there is no robot in Nineteen Eighty-four? There were barely any robots in 1984!
THURSDAY: The government of Canada is considering making drag racing illegal after the deaths of two people in races over the weekend. Are they getting paid by the producers of The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift for the free publicity? Is the Canadian government that hard up for cash?
FRIDAY: I know that the 30 second rule for food falling on the floor is really a five second rule. I’m really patient, okay?
SATURDAY: When did the Geneva Conventions become the Geneva Suggestions?
SUNDAY: For that matter, when did the Ten Commandments become the Ten Nice Ideas That You Can Ignore When They’re Not Convenient?
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots
Lord Black Gets Snippy
A week ago, Jan Wong in The Globe and Mail observed the first anniversary of my removal of some boxes from the building where I then worked. I will provide a defense of those actions as soon as my attorneys come up with one. In the meantime, I could attack Wong for incidents in her youth or make racist remarks about her ethnicity, but, frankly, that’s beneath a Lord of the Realm. Even if he is beset by an ex-Maoist who flaps around him like a Peking duck.
What? Like they’re going to kick me out of the House of Lords? As if, pal. As if.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
You’ve Got To Admit, Their Grade Schoolers Get Better Grades Than Ours
Saudi Arabia has claimed that it has stopped teaching hatred in its religious schools. If we look at the curriculum, what do we find?
Grade 1: Jews and Christians are devils.
Grade 2: Jews and Christians are evil.
Grade 3: Jews and Christians are evil incarnate.
Grade 4: Jews and Christians are our mortal enemies and you must kill them whenever you meet them.
I wasn’t expecting much, but I have to say that that’s a dramatic improvement!
SOURCE: Unicycle
Give Me A Child Before The Age Of Seven, And I Will Give You A Voter For Life
To the Editor,
I have known Joe Volpe all of my (admittedly brief) life. The Joe Volpe I have known has served his country selflessly for many years (okay, too many for me to count), and has been a tireless promoter of the rights of all children to live free of the shackles of enforced bedtimes and strict meal regimens (especially those that include broccoli).
I am one of the children who donated $5,400 to Joe’s campaign. (For reasons I don’t entirely understand, he doesn’t like to be referred to as “Uncle Joe.”) I had to raid my college fund to get it, but what choice did I have? I’m only four years old! My parents wouldn’t let me get a paper route!
I can’t believe that the bad publicity is going to force Joe to return my contribution. This is a fine way to encourage youth to become engaged in politics, if you ask me.
Sincerely,
SOURCE: Glob and Maul