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Enjoy,But, I'm Still Worth Every Penny You Don't Pay
Yesterday, Conservatives were condemning Independent MP Chuck Cadman because he took a poll of his constituents and, instead of showing leadership and voting his conscience, voted in favour of the Liberal budget, saving the government. Today, Conservatives are condemning Belinda Stronach because she showed leadership and acted on her conscience in joining the Liberal Party without consulting her constituents.
Does the right hand of the party not know what the far right hand is doing? Haven't Conservatives ever heard of the telephone?
Some Canadians are worried that the Conservative Party isn't being forthcoming about what it will do if it forms the government. "Oh, we don't have a hidden agenda," Conservative MP Peter Van Loan explained. "But, we don't want the Liberals to steal any of our ideas, so we're not actually going to tell you what our agenda is."
I tell you, some weeks the satire just writes itself.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
Plus Or Minus Four Percentage Points Nineteen Times Out Of - OWWWW!
A new survey by Charnel and Associates indicates that Muslims in the Middle East distrust the United States. In response to the question, "Do you hate democracy?," for example, 92% of respondents swore at the asker. In response to the question, "Don't you know it's for your own good?", 87% of respondents spit, 53% at the questioner, 26% at the ground and 8% at other.
In response to the question, "Why don't you believe that we want you to be happy?", a whopping 97% of respondents chased the surveyor out of their homes, 44% with threats of violence, 54% with obscene language and 27% with obscene gestures (may add up to over 100% because of overlapping categories).
"I think it's safe to say that America has an image problem," Charnel President Richard Charnel understated.
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
International Justice For 12 Year-olds
A picture of former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein wearing nothing but undershorts, taken while he was in American custody, was published in British and American tabloid newspapers. "We are in no way abusing him," White House spokesweasel Scott McClellan stated. "It would just appear that, after his trial for crimes against humanity, Hussein is planning a career as an underwear model."
McClellan also denied rumours that the US had retouched the photograph to make Hussein look less endowed than he really is. "That is the way that god made him," McClellan commented, adding: "It sure explains a lot, doesn't it?"
The Sun, the British paper that ran them, said it had received its photos from a US military source who hoped they would help to weaken the Iraqi insurgency. The tactic would make perfect sense...if Iraqi insurgents weren't deeply offended by pictures of barely clothed Muslim men...or actually read British newspapers...or cared in the least about the fate of Hussein...
Meanwhile, scuttlebutt on the Hill is that the White House is trying to find a way to blame the release of the photo on Newsweek magazine.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
Your First Lesson: Value For Money
Donald Trump has announced the creation of his own University, which will be delivered mostly online and through CD-ROMs and will not offer degrees or grades. Apparently, customers - as the students are called - will know they have learned something valuable if they don't sign up for graduate courses. This may be the only business school on the continent where the more courses you take, the less likely you are to find a job. Unless there is one exploring the Donald's hair care techniques, I don't intend to take any courses at Trump University - when do I get my seat on the New York Stock Exchange?
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
Too...Many...Potential...Puns - Can't...Concentrate - Going...To...Pass...Out...
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
Justice Delayed Is...Uhh...Is...Oh, Look, A Shiny Object!
Taped telephone conversations have revealed that the Mike Harris government put pressure on the Ontario Provincial Police to end the native occupation of Ipperwash Provincial Park almost 10 years ago. Police action subsequently led to the death of protestor Dudley George.
Unfortunately, the only people who still care are Mr. Peabody and his human Sherman, who used the Wayback Machine because they were curious about how a government drunk with power could turn a peaceful protest into a violent confrontation. "This just proves the old saying," Mr. Peabody commented, "a herd in the band is worth boo in the thrush."
Obviously, somebody hasn't been taking his lithium.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
Conservative MP Gurmant Grewal, who has accused the Paul Martin government of offering him perks if he sided with the Liberals in the budget vote, has a history of accusing Liberals of trying to buy him off. This is the third time in a decade that he has made the accusation.
Apparently, Grewal has a hearing problem. When a Liberal says, "Hello," Grewal hears, "Want a Cabinet position?"
SOURCE: The Irrational