Thank you, Orlando Fish, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. We would like to introduce you to Fritz, the office coffeemaker. Fritz can brew 20 cups of coffee in a single load, and, assuming you’ve used the right amount of coffee, it never comes out bitter. That’s more than we can say for most of our human employees. Fritz never complains about working overtime and is extremely low maintenance. For a comparison to human employees, see above. Why are we featuring our coffeemaker today? BECAUSE IT’S THE ONE THING IN THE OFFICE THAT WE KNOW ACTUALLY WORKS!
Enjoy,And, Nine Of Those Minutes Were Taken Up By Acceptance Speeches
Because of the writers’ strike, there was no original material at this year’s Oscars. There were no scripted jokes. There were no dance numbers. The whole show lasted 12 minutes. It also got the highest ratings of an Oscar telecast in almost 20 years.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Sometimes The Jokes Just Write Themselves…Unfortunately
Paul Warfield Tibbets, Jr., the man who flew the plane that dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, passed away last week at the age of 92. Although not known for his alcohol consumption, here was a man who truly redefined the term “getting bombed.”
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Bush Administration Lies, The Second Generation
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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So, Send Him A Condolence Card When His Loving People Lynch Him
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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If Only It Could Cause The Cancellation Of Back To You…
Columbia Pictures has announced that it has postponed production on Angels & Demons, the prequel to the hit The Da Vinci Code.
Alright! The Writers Guild of America strike continues to have benefits for film and television lovers everywhere!
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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It All Works Out, Then: You Cooperate And They Have Contempt
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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What Guarantee Do You Have That Anybody Will Read Your Review?
How to Talk About Books You Haven’t ReadAs a reader, I applaud Bayard’s efforts.
As a writer of books, I am appalled by Bayard’s efforts.
As a contributor, I have never felt this magazine to be more appropriate.
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.41.45/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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Speaking Truth To The Powerless
Rudyard Griffiths, perhaps sensing that the pleasures to be had from haranguing Canadians over their lack of knowledge about their country’s history was wearing thin, has found a new subject: oil is running out, and Canadians had better get used to the idea.
You know, for somebody who may have political aspirations, Griffiths sure has a strange way of endearing himself to the public.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0et6ecda-b6e6-4c18-bf9b-07b657cc49gc]
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Would A Piano Case Be Big Enough? How About Several?
Norman Mailer died and was buried on Tuesday. His ego will be laid to rest Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and, if necessary, next Monday.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Your Kind Support Is Killing Me…Seriously…
I think setting up all black schools is an excellent way of dealing with the problems of the public school system. If we could just get all the Jews and homosexuals to set up separate schools for their children, then we’d really be getting somewhere!
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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Apparently, Canadians Aren’t Good At Geography, Either
Q: Why is Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Maxime Bernier not going to be attending this week’s meeting of foreign affairs ministers, the purpose of which is to determine whether or not Pakistan will remain in the Commonwealth?
A: He had already planned on being at a francophone summit in Laos.
Q: Why didn’t Bernier change his plans?
A: Being at the francophone summit is an important part of the Conservative Party’s war efforts.
Q: The war on terror in Afghanistan?
A: The war for votes in Quebec!
SOURCE: Politics for Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=528&dir=bb]
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To My Everlasting Shame, I…I Never Mastered Air Accordion
Accordion Hero III: Legends of PolkaYes, everybody wants to grow up to be a rock and roll legend. But, no, not everybody can be a guitar god. You have to wonder, though, how many young kids dream of getting down and polkaing.
It doesn’t help that the plastic accordion that comes with the game melts when played at rock and roll speeds. And, it really doesn’t help that the lineup of songs for Accordion Hero III: Legends of Polka reads like a list of songs that weren’t quite good enough to make it onto a Weird Al Yankovic album.
That this will be a big seller for the Christmas rush is a foregone conclusion.
SOURCE: Gamer Bois Mag
[http://boiswillbe.com#ipo_article=27]
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Oh, Get A Room! Or, At Least A Fan!
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1366533221]
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And It Will Be…When The Drunk Drivers Are On Official Police Business
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Not The Kind Of Carrots Bugs Had In Mind
A restaurant in Manhattan announced a dessert that costs $25,000. It mixes 28 varieties of cocoa with edible 23 karat gold.
When I told this to my cabbie, he replied: “Meh. My girlfriend’s cheesecake is better.”
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
[http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/]
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