Thank you, Judson BeaverX, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Management was concerned about our productivity (or lack thereof), so they instigated a “No Playing In Second Life During Working Hours” rule. They were unmoved by our argument that we were working (and, okay, the virtual paintball fight might not have seemed like work), so they were adamant about the rule. Yeah, like that was gonna stop us. Then, they blocked our access to the site. They blocked our access to Second Life – it was like we were eight year-olds or something! It took Roauld in IT about 15 seconds to get around that. It would have taken an eight year-old 30 seconds.) Of course, the time and energy they spent in thwarting us and we spent in getting around them could have been spent in actual work, but, what are you going to do? Logic is powerless against random acts of management!
Enjoy,Yeah, Yeah, It May Be In Poor Taste, But Mirvisch Would Probably Have Loved It
Honest Ed’s prices are so low, they’re six feet under!
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Does This Constitute Hate Against Albertans?
ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT! ACTION ALERT!
What is it about Canada that makes the country so inhospitable to extremist hatred? Former Alberta pastor Stephen Boisson had to defend himself in front of a “human rights hearing” (which, as we all know, is really a “bigots wrong” hearing) for writing a letter to a local newspaper in which he reasonably said, “From kindergarten class on, our children, your grandchildren are being strategically targeted, psychologically abused and brainwashed by homosexual and pro-homosexual educators. Homosexual rights activists and those that defend them are just as immoral as the pedophiles, drug dealers and pimps that plague our communities.”
Right on, Boisson! How could any reasonable person claim that such an obvious truth was hateful? Especially since, as Boisson argued at his hearing, he was merely relaying the word of god. That’s right. It’s in the Bible: “And, lo, thou shalt bear false witness against the Sodomites and their champions, and incite violence against them, for yea, verily, the Lord, your God, King of the Heavens and the Earth, doth hate faggots.” I, uhh, may be paraphrasing a little.
Don’t let this poor man be persecuted any longer! Write to the Alberta legislature demanding the immediate dissolution of the Human Rights Commission and the start of a campaign to purge the province’s schools of homosexual and pro-homosexual educators!
That is what Jesus would have done.
SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders
[http://www.bigotswithoutborders.org/]
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The Whole Country Needs A Tums
Homeland Security Chief Michael Chertoff has introduced a new system of threat alerts based on his gut. They are:
| HIGH | vomitous |
| MEDIUM HIGH | upset |
| MEDIUM | indigestion |
| MEDIUM LOW | gurgling |
| LOW | warm and fuzzy |
At the moment, we are at gurgling, but Chertoff warns that we could be moving towards indigestion very soon.
Critics of the new system argue that it isn’t based on any intelligence reports, or, indeed, anything outside of the White House’s terrorist rhetoric circle jerk. “So, it’s really a continuation of our policy,” Chertoff argued. “We just weren’t getting very far trusting our brains, so we decided to give another body part a shot. If this doesn’t work, we might try our spleens next.”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/newyork/2007-07-15-homeland-insecurity_x.htm]
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SPOILER ALERT!: You’re Spoiled
Is an online version of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, uploaded days before the book is to be released, the real deal? According to sources within Raincoast Books, J. K. Rowling’s Vancouver publisher, it can’t be: it’s too well written.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2007/2007/07/18/bleakleaklosingstreak/]
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You Might Want To Wait Until It Cools Down Before Eating It…
Worried about the environment but want to be able to see at night? Worry not! Science has the answer!
The Filamint is a light bulb that has a candy-based core. Use it until it burns out, then eat it! Recycling doesn’t get any yummier!
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
[http://www.scican.com/article.cfm?chanID=sc003&articleID=1124H3EC-2C415-20K5-AAA1582614B712345]
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It’s Like High School Without The Peer Pressure But With Car Bombs
order) The White House recently released a report that claimed that it had successfully achieved 8 out of the 18 benchmarks for progress Congress had set out for the war in Iraq. What were some of the successes?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Perhaps, But It Also Lets Pundits Wallow In Their Anti-Canadian Smugness
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=9996533038]
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Better Than A Magic 8-Ball! Thoroughly God Approved!
When you have to make an important decision in your life, do you ask yourself “What Would Jesus Do?” Well, now you can know, with Hasburro’s new Talking Jesus action figure! Simply pull the string, and hear Jesus say, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Pull the string, and hear it again. And, again. And, again. Because, really, what more needs to be said?
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=401&but=allis1More.htm#itemseventy]
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Rats Sinking al-Maliki Ship
Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki claims that his forces are capable of controlling the country, and that American troops can leave “any time they want.” In response, bookies in Las Vegas have put the odds at 3-1of al-Maliki being killed off in the last Harry Potter novel.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2007Jul18.html]
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