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Enjoy,I’m Obviously Not Working The Elves Hard Enough
Office Pools
1) When, in relationship to the arrest of 17 Muslims on charges of terrorism, a Globe and Mail columnist will write a racist article about Islam.
Congratulations for winning this one, Charlie, you cynical old stiff! Everybody else thought this pool would last for at least 24 hours!
2) When the Prime Minister will say the terrorists hate us because of the way we live, totally ignoring what their representatives actually say about why they do what they do.
Charlie wins again. Why don’t you let somebody else have a chance?
3) When the first terrorist attack on a Canadian city will take place.
Still a wide variety of dates available.
4) When the first atrocity by Canadian troops in Afghanistan is discovered.
Still a wide variety of dates available.
NEW! 5) When the first case against one of the men and boys recently arrested on charges of terrorist conspiracy falls apart and he has to be released.
The field is wide open for this one.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
I Bet It Would Be Huge, Too…The Audience, I Mean
Two days after American President George W. Bush announced his support for a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, Prime Minister Stephen Harper announced that he would hold a free vote in Parliament on whether or not to outlaw gay marriage in Canada. Doesn’t Harper know that it’s a short step from kissing ass to sucking dick?
And, I’m sure there would be a pay-per-view audience for it.
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
Al-Maliki, All The Time
With no advance warning, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki flew to the United States and met with American President George W. Bush. In a hastily convened press conference, Prime Minister al-Maliki said the President was doing a heckuva job and thanked him for America’s help in freeing his country.
The trip was meant to bolster the President’s sagging popularity in his country. However, by reminding the American public of President Bush’s unpopular war, it may, in fact, have hurt his standing.
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
The Rapture Better Come Soon, Because This Sack Cloth Is Getting Really Itchy
The Rapture Clock was set at five seconds to midnight and we were ready to roll to The Lord! We had our tacos and salsa all ready for nibbles as we counted down and everybody was in their underwear so that the people who were left behind wouldn’t have to pick up too much after us – we figured they would have other things to worry about. We waited. And, we waited. And…we waited some more. Imagine our disappointment when we woke up the next morning and found out that the Anti-Christ hadn’t even so much as made a brief appearance.
June 6, 2006 – 6-6-06 – was a major disappointment.
Would it have killed the Anti-Christ to have given us a sign that the Apocalypse was nigh? A plague of locusts on some Latin American nation that refused to play with the IMF or that was in the process of nationalizing its oil industries? Rivers turned to blood? Anything? Anything at all?
So, the Rapture Clock has been set back to 25 minutes and five seconds. Sometimes, it’s enough to test one’s faith!
SOURCE: The Rapture Clock
And The Downing Street Memos Just Keep On Coming
PM expressed concern that Canadian arrest of 17 terrorist suspects would divert American attention from British efforts to arrest terrorists. He suggests that Britain arrest at least 25 suspected terrorists to counter Canadian arrests.
Agent F tells PM that only one arrest of a suspected terrorist in Britain is imminent, and that that person may have had ties to the alleged Canadian terrorists. PM throws notepad at Agent F’s head, which glances off harmlessly. When he calms down, PM says that that is better than nothing and orders an immediate arrest.
“We cannot let some pissant former colony [garbled] us,” the PM mutters before the meeting gratefully moves on to other business.
SOURCE: The Alternate Reality News Service
Al-Zarqawi, All The Time
Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, the head of the so-called “Iraq Al Qaeda,” has been killed. [CHEER] Thank you, thank you. I had nothing to do with it, but I bask in your enthusiastic blood lust. Ahem. To celebrate al-Zarqawi’s death, Iraqis are planning a huge fireworks display. It should go off under or near American military vehicles any day now…
An autopsy is planned for al-Zarqawi’s body. Apparently, bombing his hideout to dust may not have been the cause of death – he may have been beaten to death by American soldiers. And, isn’t that just typical. The air force claims to have killed a major terrorist. But, noooooo. No, the army wants people to know that it was responsible for killing him. You watch. The air force is going to get all hissy and whine about how unfair it is that the army wants to take credit for their kill. Then, the army is going to get all in the air force’s face and tell them that they should stop hogging all the high profile kills.
I wonder if the $25 million bounty on al-Zarqawi’s head has anything to do with it…
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
And You Thought It Was Just A Rumour His Opponents Started
In an effort to soften his image, Prime Minister Stephen Harper had a photograph taken sitting in his office with a pair of kittens he and his wife have adopted. The photograph had to be taken quickly; three seconds after it was shot, Harper ate the kittens whole.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
The Ultimate Gated Community
ROOMS FOR RENT
The new Eden in Hell Estates project is now looking for tenants. 5,500 rooms will soon be available in lovely, downtown Green Zone, Baghdad. Swimming pool, gym, food court and American Club available in adjacent recreational facility – everything the modern conqueror needs. And, you will feel like a conqueror in your building with its own electricity, well water and waste treatment facilities, so you don’t have to worry about interruptions to your go go lifestyle. Best of all, the Estates will be surrounded by hardened walls to keep out unwanted riff raff and their improvised weapons!
For more information on how you can get in on the ground floor of this amazing offer, contact your nearest army recruiter.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut