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Enjoy,Upgraded From Syndrome To Fully Blown Condition
Bush’s China message: pirating videos bad, pirating humans okay.
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
One Way To Get Good Press
In the wake of the revelation that the United States is paying Iraqi journalists over $100 million to write favourable stories about its occupation, Jeff Gannon has announced that he will be moving to Baghdad. “I think the fledgling Fourth Estate in Iraq could use a man of my experience,” Gannon explained.
Be careful, Jeff! While they may appreciate your probing journalism, Iraqis might not be as enthusiastic about where you moonlight.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
Nope, Sorry, I’m Drawing A Blanco
Louisiana Governor Kathleen Blanco released 100,000 documents late Friday afternoon which, taken together, show that the Federal Emergency Management Agency knew the extent of the devastation from Hurricane Katrina long before FEMA did anything about it. In response, stealth Vice President Dick Cheney sneered, “Blanco might have been more effective helping hurricane survivors if she wasn’t so busy writing emails and memos!”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
How Dirty Is This Election Going To Be?
Thousands of goopy sea creatures are making their way into or near Canadian waters, leaving a slimy trail that threatens rich fishing grounds. The Conservative Party immediately asked them to run as candidates in Ontario ridings. At the same time, the Liberal Party offered to let them run unopposed in the Alberta riding of their choice.
Meanwhile, the NDP suggested the goopy and slimy sea creatures should go to medical school to help solve the doctor shortage. Always right on top of things, the NDP.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
Planespotting
In response to European outrage that secret CIA planes likely landed in their countries while transporting prisoners to locations where they would be tortured, American Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice stated, “Hey! We’re quickly destroying our citizens’ human rights in order to protect your right to…destroy your citizens’ human rights. Be grateful, will ya?”
After a moment, Rice softened and added, “You pussies! We said we were fighting a war on terrorism – we gave you all advance notice of our actions!” When a journalist argued that nobody could have known that “fighting a war on terror” meant “spreading our own brand of terror through the use of torture,” Rice almost spat on the floor and countered, “It’s implicit in the phrase, isn’t it? Europe is the home of bloody Shakespeare – don’t any of you understand how to interpret sub-text?”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
Don’t You Understand The Concept Of The Volume Discount?
eBay stopped an auction in which a Canadian man tried to sell his vote in the country’s upcoming national election. This sets an interesting precedent. While it’s perfectly legal to buy thousands of votes with a multi-million dollar tax cut, it’s illegal to buy single votes with a pack of smokes and a few beers.
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
Serial Smiter
After creationist-supporting candidates for school board in a Dover, Pennsylvania election lost, the Reverend (and I use the term loosely) Pat Robertson stated, “If there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God — you just rejected Him from your city. And don’t wonder why He hasn’t helped you when problems begin, if they begin. I’m not saying they will, but if they do, just remember, you just voted God out of your city. And if that's the case, don't ask for His help because He might not be there.”
In response, Gabriel, a spokesangel for the lord, suggested that Robertson slow down. “He’s only one diety!” Gabriel explained. “He can only smite so many people at a time!” When it was pointed out that god smote entire cities in the Old Testament, Gabriel sighed, “He was younger, then. He didn’t have to contend with diabetes and failing eyesight. Cut god some slack, why don’t you?”
SOURCE: Unicycle
But Stay Away From The Crčme De Menthe – You Know It Gives You Gas, And That Can Be Torture On Your System
Trading videos showing the torture of Iraqi prisoners has become so prevalent among American troops that they now have a drinking game devoted to it.
When you see a prisoner forced to masturbate, drink a beer.
When you see a prisoner forced to urinate on himself, drink two beers.
When you see a prisoner forced to urinate on another prisoner, drink a beer and tequila.
When you see a group of naked prisoners form a human pyramid, chug a whiskey and chase it with a beer.
When you see a prisoner being waterboarded, drink a rum and cola.
When you see a prisoner take a broken light bulb up the ass, drink fifth of vodka.
And so on.
The best thing about the Iraqi prisoners torture drinking game is that if the soldier is caught, he has a perfect excuse for his inhuman behaviour!
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
But, Why Would You Want To Be?
A recently released Vatican document that bars practicing homosexuals, men with “homosexual tendencies” and any man who likes listening to Barbara Streisand with the lights down real low from the priesthood, does have an out. As one Cardinal put it, “transitory” homosexuals will be allowed to become priests if they have had gay sex during “some curiosity during adolescence or accidental circumstances in a state of drunkenness or particular circumstances like someone who was in prison for many years.”
“Phew – dodged a bullet with that one,” replied Max Ernstender. “I’ve been having sex with my partner, Phil Debencher, for 20 years, but we were always drunk, so I may still be eligible for the priesthood.”
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
Haven’t You Heard of the Internet?
Ontario pharmacists will be told to stop asking women to cough up their intimate sexual histories before dispensing the morning after pill to prevent pregnancy. “I don’t know about this,” mused pharmacist Rex Lombard. “I mean, where am I going to get ideas to spice up my love life with the missus?”
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
You Had Us Right Up Until The Time You Said Hello
In a speech in front of a Salvation Army troop – one of the last military groups in the United States that hasn’t heard one of his speeches – President George W. Bush explained that the reconstruction of Iraq is taking time because, “Rebuilding a nation devastated by a dictator is a large undertaking.”
It was a great speech, until the President added: “That’s why I was against nation building when I ran for President in 2000.” Vice President Dick Cheney had a heart attack on the spot, but his defibrillator paddles are on permanent stand-by, and he was quickly revived.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
That Would Make Him The 237th Beatle, Right Behind Chaka Khan
Dissident theologians opposed to the Beatlefication of Pope John Paul II have issued an appeal urging Roman Catholics critical of the late Pope’s musical abilities to tell the Vatican whether they also think he should not be made an honourary band member.
SOURCE: LotsMusic