Thank you, Minnie Pearle, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, we don’t like country music. Like, really don’t like it.
Enjoy,What Part Of Evangelical Don’t You Understand?
ISRAEL: We would like to give you 35 acres of land on the Sea of Galilee. All that we ask is that you do not proselytize members of the Jewish majority in Israel.
AMERICAN EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS: Great! Thank you so much! Oh, and, by the way, have you heard that the Kingdom of Heaven can be yours if you follow the teachings of Jesus Christ?
ISRAEL: You’re welcome. But, you see, this is just what I’m talking about. We don’t want you trying to convert Jews while you’re in our country.
AMERICAN EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS: And, we’re grateful for your offer and want to live in harmony with our Jewish friends. You do know that non-believers will be swept up in the flames of Armageddon, but that it’s not too late to be saved, right?
ISRAEL: Yeah, about that. If you want the land, you have to stop proselytizing. Land equals no proselytizing. Proselytizing equals no land. Okay?
AMERICAN EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS: Oh, we want the land. Thank you so much for your gracious offer.
ISRAEL: You’re wel –
AMERICAN EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS: Have you ever considered accepting Jesus Christ as your personal saviour?
ISRAEL: Hee hee – you’re so adorable. Look, could you just…just keep it to yourself while you’re in our country?
AMERICAN EVANGELICAL CHRISTIANS: That depends. How badly do you want our tourism dollars and political support?
ISRAEL: Oy gevalt!
SOURCE: The Arad Post
Obviously Not A Fan
Seriously, why does every love ballad by Coldplay sound like a dirge?
SOURCE: LotsMusic
And, He’s One American Who Likes Us!
Transcript of Money Lyin’ with Lou Nobbs (October 17, 2005):
NOBBS: Frank, considering that the US is driving itself into bankruptcy financing a growing trade deficit with Canada, don’t you think it’s just posturing for them to threaten to sell more oil to China in retaliation for the US not backing down on tariffs on Canadian lumber?
FRANKLIN: Well, I suppose…
NOBBS: I mean, worse comes to worst, we could always nuke them into submission, couldn’t we?
FRANKLIN: I don’t think that would give the international community the right message, Lou.
NOBBS: Oh, I think that would give the international community the right message, Frank. I think it would give the international community the exact right message.
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
We All Want That Job – You Know The One – The One Where You’re Paid A Gazillion Dollars To State The Obvious
Mike Zafirovski, the new head of Nortel Networks, has vowed change at the company. About time, too. Mounting losses and high corporate turnover obviously wasn’t working for them.
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Go On TV And Complain About It
In times of economic uncertainty, we naturally worry about our children’s future. One profession that gets little attention, but is a fertile and growing field, is Canada-bashing punditry. How can you tell if your child has what it takes to grow up to be a Canada hating journalist? Look for the following signs:
* Does your child blame every problem on the federal government? Telltale phrase: “I need my diaper changed – why isn’t Paul Martin doing something about it?”
* Does your child say that Americans do everything better than Canadians? Telltale phrase: “You call this bottle of milk warm? If it had come from New York, I wouldn’t be able to feel my tongue right now!”
* Does your child relate everything back to the country’s poor leadership? “How can you tell me it’s nap time when our country’s immigration policies are leading us to become a third world nation?”
* Does your child personally attack anybody who disagrees? Telltale phrase: “Why are the people in power in this household such doodieheads?”
You might hope that your child outgrows these habits. However, if you want your child to grow up to be a successful Canada-bashing pundit, you should reconsider that position.
SOURCE: Today’s Aggressive Parent
Because, Really, There Are Only So Many Puns You Can Make With The Word Iraq
The referendum on Iraq’s new constitution appears to have passed, although there have been reports of “irregularities,” including states where more votes were cast than there were citizens. Not to worry, however. The Supreme Court of Ohio has declined to hear a case about voter fraud in Iraqi precincts, so the issue should now be considered settled.
In other news, the long-awaited trial of Saddam Hussein began today. The first order of business was a defence motion to delay the trial for three months. This motion was accepted, and the trial was immediately shut down.
The defence asked for the extra time because it had to deal with new rules which had been introduced into the Iraqi legal process up to yesterday, when the Iraqi government stipulated that all defense material for former dictators being tried for crimes against humanity be submitted in rhyming couplets. “They’re a young country,” American President George W. Bush smirked. “They’re still working out the kinks. But justice will prevail. Henh henh.”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
You Vote For The Briber Whut Brung Ya
Federal Conservatives are complaining that, by increasing funding for social programmes, the Liberals are bribing voters in the upcoming election with their own money. The Conservatives prefer to give the money back to Canadians in the form of tax cuts.
Recent polls, which show Liberal popularity slowly increasing, suggest that Canadians prefer their form of bribery to that of the Conservatives.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
What? Are They Embarrassed They Watch The CBC?
In the aftermath of the recent employee lockout, the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation has taken out a series of advertisements in newspapers featuring quotes from fans of its various shows. Who are these unnamed fans?
“I want a Canadian perspective… I’m looking forward to the return of The National and my news fix with Peter.” (Octavio Gummo, Peter Mansbridge’s brother-in-law)
“If this series is as good as the first, I’ll never miss an episode.” (Monica Delainey, makeup person on Da Vinci’s Inquest)
“Dun, da-dun da dun.“CBC Radio is an essential staple – my MEAT and POTATOES!” (CBC marketing executive)
“We have only one unbiased voice in Canada, and it is the CBC.” (a different CBC marketing executive)
SOURCE: Saturday Night, Fevered
Hurricane Fred Comes To His Senses
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines