The Daily Me - Vladimir Putin

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

Mel Gibson, talking about stem cell research, told a television audience, "Why do I, as a taxpayer, have to fund something I believe is unethical?" Well, let's see. Suppose all of the people who believe the Iraq war is unethical - around half of the American population - decided they shouldn't support it with their taxes. And, all of the people who don't believe the government should be funding family planning, and all of the people who believe it's unethical for the government to -

Well, you can see where this is going. Either the American federal government will be reduced to funding sports programmes for advantaged youth across the country or Mel Gibson will be the only citizen paying hundreds of billions of dollars in taxes. Of course, with his cut of the profits from The Passion of The Christ, he could probably afford it.

SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now

FRED: I thought Osama bin Laden's performance in the recently released video was masterful. Sitting ramrod straight, he delivered his poisonous bile directly to the camera in a way that was calculated to send a chill down the spines of American voters.

BARNEY: While I agree that bin Laden's performance was strong, I still have to give the video a thumbs down -

FRED: Oh, no, Barney! I can't believe you would say that!

BARNEY: Look, Fred, the mis-en-scene was brutal to look at - just a grey backdrop, basically - and bin Laden's costume was right out of central casting. Not only that, but the locked down camera bit was really tired when Andy Warhol did it in Empire.

FRED: Of course he locked down the camera! The whole point was to get people to concentrate on what he was saying, not enjoy the scenery!

BARNEY: Well, it didn't work for me at all. I mean, I wasn't convinced that he wanted Americans not to vote for George W. Bush.

FRED: That's because he didn't! He knew that if he showed up at that late date, Bush would be reelected. Let's face it, Bush has been the best recruiting device Al Qaeda ever had!

BARNEY: I didn't get that at all.

FRED: It's a little thing you may have heard of - we like to call: subtext?

SOURCE: Another Overwrought At the Movies Parody

The Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) is currently conducting hearings to determine which of three contenders to give digital radio licences. The CRTC's decision is based on which of the fantasy scenarios for Canadian content is the most likely to be swallowed by gullible commissioners.

"One application says they're going to give Canadians 124 hours a day of Canadian music," one commissioner commented. "But, then, another application says they're going to give 132 hours of Canadian content a day. It's such a hard choice!"

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

To Cleland, verb: to smear a war hero's record in order to win an election. EXAMPLE: No doubt about it, the Bush campaign Clelanded John Kerry.

Presumptive Challenge, noun: the threat of a legal challenge to an election result without any evidence of wrongdoing before the actual election. A presumptive challenge is intended to counter charges by one's opponent that one has engaged in election tampering after the votes have been counted.

Ratherism, noun: folksy word or phrase stated at the most inappropriate moment. EXAMPLE: there are so many - do I have to choose just one?

Mixed Emotions, noun: contradictory emotional responses to a single event. EXAMPLE: for liberal satirists, the reelection of George W. Bush as President engendered mixed emotions.

SOURCE: The Dust Devil's Dictionary

SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines

One of the bright spots of the recent election for the Democrats was Barack Obama's performance on the national stage. The Republicans didn't seem impressed, however. "Obama...Osama," mused Vice President Dick Cheney, "do I have to draw you a [EXPLETIVE DELETED] map?"

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

Thousands of completed voter cards were thrown out in the State of Nevada before election day. "I thought they were disposable," an unnamed spear carrier commented. "You know, like diapers after they've been pooped in."

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

Given the personal attacks on John Kerry in the course of this election, it's unlikely that any intelligent, successful, honest, decent Democrat will want to run for President in 2008. On the up side, this will ensure that the Democrats and Republicans finally have a level playing field.

Also: according to White House Sources, the theme song of President Bush's second term in office will not be Flock of Seagulls' "And Iran."

SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman

A paper in The New England Journal of Implausible Medicine claims that flu vaccine can be made to go further - as much as five times further - if it is cut with TCP, the active ingredient in marijuana, and injected directly into the patient's eyeball. The article, which was rushed into publication in the face of a dire shortage of flu vaccine in the United States, said that the clinical trials worked best for adults between the ages of 20 and 40 who were otherwise in perfect health. In short, the people who need the flu vaccine the least.

Skeptics suggested that the whole thing was driven more the need to be seen to be taking action on the brink of a looming health disaster than any real concern for public health, but, then, skeptics would say that, wouldn't they?

SOURCE: Scientific Canadian