Thank you, Hoshikawa Miku, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to clean exploded brain bits off of computer keyboards?
Enjoy,Should A Journalist Be Allowed To Sue A Headline Writer For Malpractice? Exhibit A
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1376523438]
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President Pushy
HILLARY CLINTON: I’d like Barack Obama to be my running mate.
BARACK OBAMA: The Primaries aren’t over yet.
HILLARY CLINTON: Don’t you want to be my running mate?
BARACK OBAMA: I’m ahead of you in the popular vote, the number of states won and number of delegates won.
HILLARY CLINTON: You obviously need some time to think about that. While you do, I think we need to consider how we’re going to deal with Iran.
JOHN MCCAIN: Now, hold on there, just a minute, lady. The election hasn’t happened, yet.
HILLARY CLINTON: Don’t you think Iran is a problem that has to be dealt with?
JOHN MCCAIN: Sure, I do, but you haven’t been elected President.
HILLARY CLINTON: Details, details. I’ve already started writing the memoirs of my time in office.
BILL CLINTON: Sweetie. You haven’t been in office.
HILLARY CLINTON: Bill! Can I get a little support, here, please?
BILL CLINTON: Sorry. (pause) Does sweetie need a Valium?
SOURCE: Weekends!
[http://www.nobc.com/Weekends/video/play.shtml?mea=227156]
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You Are Not A Moron – You Are Simply Incrementally Intelligence Averse
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Eat Jim Crow
Key Hillary Clinton adviser Geraldine Ferraro has stated that, “If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And, if he was a woman – of any colour – he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And, the country is caught up in the concept.” When her controversial comments were challenged, Ferraro shot back: “Any time anybody does anything that in any way pulls this [Obama] campaign down and says let’s address reality and the problems we’re facing in this world, you’re accused of being racist, so you have to shut up. Racism works in two different directions. I really think they’re attacking me because I’m white. How’s that?”
Yes! That’s brilliant! It is exactly what our feminist foremothers fought for for over a century: the right of women to be just as mean, short-sighted, bigoted and divisive as men! Susan B. Anthony would be proud.
SOURCE: Womyn’s e-Vents
[http://www.womynsevents.fem/article.cfm/dyn/aid/1069]
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But, Then You Just Feel Like Destroying The Monuments An Hour Later
After Icelandic singer Bjork shouted “Tibet! Tibet!” at the end of a concert in Shanghai, the Chinese government released a statement complaining that her outburst “broke Chinese law and hurt Chinese people’s feelings.”
The Chinese people took some comfort in bombing a few more Tibetan Buddhist shrines and sending another hundred thousand monks into exile. There’s nothing like destroying another people’s culture to help you get over the occasional emotional upset.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2008/2008/03/10/kneebjorkreaction/]
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Thanks For Clearing That Up For Us, Jim
Given how Conservative federal and provincial governments have shafted Ontario in the past two decades, it was a bit rich for Conservative federal Finance Minister Jim Flaherty to say: “My most significant worry is with respect to my home province. There’s a danger Ontario’s economy will slow down more dramatically than elsewhere in Canada.”
The next day, Flaherty clarified his statement. “I wasn’t judging,” Flaherty said. “I was gloating.”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080312.eladvote0312_@/BNStory/newsFlahertyEarth2008/]
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Clearly, Zombies Ate The Backbenchers Brains
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1382633774]
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Kill Bill
Conservative Federal Finance Minister Jim Flaherty has denounced the Liberal bill that will allow people to contribute $5,000 a year to a fund for their children’s education, claiming that the almost $1 billion it will cost will send the government into a deficit. With one eye on the cost overruns of the Afghanistan War, which will reportedly be about…you guessed it, $1 billion, the Absurd Ironyometer gets a giddy feeling in the pit of its stomach. Enjoyable as this is, it knows that better is yet to come.
The Absurd Ironyometer hasn’t long to wait. Flaherty insists that the Senate kill the education tax credit bill. The senate! The unequal, unelected, bastard child of Confederation senate that is dominated by senescent Liberal hacks! The Absurd Ironyometer gets a tinkling all the way down to its toes. This just doesn’t get any better…or, does it?
Flaherty claims that the education tax credit would unduly favour the wealthy. Jack Layton complains that that’s his line. The Absurd Ironyometer’s eyes pleasurably roll back in its head and it starts purring like a cat that is having its tummy vigorously rubbed. At least, we hope that it’s the cat’s tummy that is being vigorously rubbed. At the moment, the Absurd Ironyometer isn’t in a position to say…
SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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I Want Martin Sheen, But He’s Already Served His Two Terms
It’s 3am and your children are safely asleep. The red phone in the White House starts ringing. Who do you want to pick it up?
John McCain? Are you serious? He would yell at the phone for waking him up until it stopped ringing – even if it took several hours.
Hillary Clinton? I don’t think so. She’ll gather her top advisers together to decide how to represent the ringing phone as not having enough experience to deserve to be answered.
Better hope that phone doesn’t ring.
This ad was not endorsed by anybody in a position of power.
SOURCE: Ad Meek
[http://www.admeek.com/A&W/national/article_display.jsp?nuvu_content_id=1001562604]
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