The Daily Me – Mel the Tone Deaf Homosapien

Thank you, Mel the Tone Deaf Homosapien, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Is there any money to be made in being a Tone Deaf Homosapien? A Homosapien with rhythm – now, that’s somebody who is going places! But, a Tone Deaf Homosapien? That’s just sad.

Enjoy,
The Daily Me Staff

Is Having A Strategy The Same As Doing Something?

News has leaked that the Conservative government marginalized National Science Adviser Arthur Carty by moving the position out of the PMO’s orbit and establishing a 17 member Science, Innovation and Technology Council, leading to his resignation. When Industry Minister Jim Prentice was asked to explain why, he responded: “Blurf blaff bafflegab science and technology strategy homina homina homina harness more resources gieaahh move forward forward forward, move forward forward forward, move forward forwar – yipe!”

Either Prentice had overdosed on management seminars or he was channeling an ancient shaman with management potential. Neither scenario bodes well for science in Canada.

SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour

[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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Now They Tell Us!

“Of course it's about oil, we can't really deny that.” - former CENTCOM Commander General John Abizaid

“I am saddened that it is politically inconvenient to acknowledge what everyone knows: the Iraq war is largely about oil.” - former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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All We Are Saying…Is Give War A Chance

The Conservative and Liberal parties may have come to an agreement that will keep Canadian troops in Afghanistan until 2011. According to sources, Canadian troops will only be allowed to fight on Tuesdays, Thursdays and alternate Saturdays. The rest of the time, they will perform puppet theatre for Afghani children and rerererebuild the power lines that they rererebuilt the previous week that were destroyed by the Taliban a few days later.

The New Democrats and the Bloc Quebecois are opposed to the compromise, wanting Canada’s participation in the war to end. General Rick Hillier is opposed to the compromise, wanting the fighting to never end.

In Canada, this is known as “consensus.”

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20080110.eladvote0110_@/BNStory/newsWarAtHome2008/]
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The Good News: He Didn’t Live To See This Pun

The Maharishi Mahesh Yogi has gone om.

SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us

[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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One Singular Cessation

The hell!

I can’t get away from these advertisements for Nicorette gum, which is supposed to help you quit smoking. They’re everywhere! On television. In the subway. On freaking billboards. So, I’m sitting on the subway, reading the fine print, and I read: “To be used with willpower as part of a cigarette cessation programme.”

To be used with willpower? Really? To be used with willpower?

IF I HAD FUCKING WILLPOWER, I WOULD BE ABLE TO QUIT ON MY OWN WITHOUT YOUR DAMN GUM!

SOURCE: Big Alex’ Domesday Countdown Page

[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/new]
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The Semantics Of Excrement

George W. Bush, President of the United States, leader of the free world, is a liar. The question is: is he a lying sack of shit or merely a lying piece of shit? The term “lying piece of shit” implies that he is only partially lying, while “lying sack of shit” implies a completeness to his lying. According to a recent study, Bush lied 260 times in the run-up to the Iraq war, which suggests his lying shitness is of sackal proportions.

To take this one step further, is the President a sorry, lying sack of shit? He hasn’t acknowledged the lies, much less apologized for them, so it’s impossible to say if he regrets telling them. However, sorry also means pathetic. I leave it to the reader to decide.

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49581-2008Feb01.html]
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It’s Two In The Morning – Do You Know What Your Computer Is Up To?

A new study purports to show that 15,000 Ontarians have child pornography on their computers. If you’re one of them – beware! And, if you’re the one of over 10,000,000 Ontarians with a computer without child porn – also beware! Enact laws in panic, reinstate civil liberties at leisure.

Interestingly, the computers distributing child porn seem concentrated in relatively southern Canadian cities: the Toronto-Ottawa-Montreal corridor, for example, or Edmonton or Vancouver. By way of contrast, there is only one child porn computer in all of the Northwest Territories or Nunavut and two in the Yukon Territory. If the government is serious about fighting child porn on the Internet, the solution is obvious: force the population of Canada to move north!

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088531831813&call_pageid=968335188492&col=964326972154]
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Does Bigots Without Borders Know About This?

Are you hysterical enough to represent the Church of Scientology? Take this simple test:

1) An anonymous online organization sets up a protest outside your offices. Do you: a) congratulate the organization on its dedication to free speech and wish it well?
b) respectfully disagree with the organization’s point of view but point out that persecution is a vital part of the early development of any religion and wish it well?
c) accuse members of the organization of being “cyber terrorists who hide behind masks and computer anonymity” who are “perpetrating religious hate crimes…for no reason other than religious bigotry,” and wish them well?

If you answered C, you could be well on your way to a lucrative career as a spokesperson for the Church of Scientology. For the full test, and information on how to become a believer, please click here.

SOURCE: Church of Scientology

[http://www.scientology.us/zombierecruitment]
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That’s Not A Very Nice Thing To Say About Ann Coulter. What? The Article Wasn’t About Ann Coulter? Oh. My Bad…

“‘It’s a miracle her brain is functioning’” - Globe and Mail headline

SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines

[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1374273088]
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That Was Their First Clue?

An autopsy on the body of Benazir Bhutto by British forensic pathologists has found that she did, in fact, die from a blow to the back of the head, not gunshots as the first reports of her death had indicated. Of course, the autopsy also showed that Benazir Bhutto was a 78 year-old white man with a collapsed lung, only one kidney and an advanced case of syphilis. Members of Bhutto’s party have been critical of the pathologists’ report, pointing out that, as a Muslim woman, Bhutto wasn’t likely to have engaged in the kind of sex acts that would have exposed her to syphilis.

SOURCE: Daily Semaphore

[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFEPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextDay=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmechi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21213]
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