Thank you, mejia, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we got bit by a Robosapien. Yeah. We didn’t think it had it in him, either. Now, we’re dreading the full moon. Will we become wererobots, stalking the darkened countryside in an unthinking quasi-animalistic quest to destroy communications infrastructure, half moaning half chanting: “Computer brains…computer braaaaaaiiiiinnnnns?” Brrrrrr – we get goose bumps just thinking about it!
Enjoy,Everybody Out Of The Office Pool
Office pools are traditionally a way for people who work in an environment to bond through a little friendly, harmless competition. They don’t usually take up much of an employee’s time, but they do tend to raise staff morale, making them a bargain. Given all of its positives, it’s difficult to understand why management shut down the office pool on when Barack Obama will be assassinated.
George, Senior Vice President for Public Relations argued that the pool was “racially insensitive.” Well, it just so happens that Adrian, who started the pool, asked Shania, the only black person in the office, how she felt about it, and she said: “Ain’t no big whup. Everybody know Obama done walkin’ around with a big-ass ol’ target on his back!”
Don’t blame us if a black man running for President is the target of violent racists – we’re just the messengers. But, then, shooting the messenger is what this is all about, isn’t it?
SOURCE: The Wawaneesa Group Monthly Newsletter
[http://mnc.com/flexmere/ontologicon/wawaneesa/internal/newsletters/January2008.txt]
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You’d Lose The Youth Market, But, Man, The Adults…!
Universal Studios’ advertising tag line is “see the stars, ride the movies.” I think they would have better luck with “ride the stars, see the movies.” In that case, it wouldn’t even be necessary to see the movies, really.
SOURCE: Entertainment For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/entertainmentfordummies/home.asp?did=486&dir=bb]
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NATO Ill-suited For Torture Stance Reversed
US Defence Secretary Robert Gates stated that under the heading “Possible Torture/Abuses Cases” the “Torture Awareness Workshop Reference Materials” manual lists Afghanistan, China, Egypt, Guantanamo Bay, Iran, Israel, Mexico, Saudi Arabia, Syria and the United States. The Canadian Press told the Los Angeles Times in an interview published yesterday that NATO troops were ill-suited for battle with the Taliban.
Foreign Affairs Minister Maxime Bernier said he has ordered the manual be rewritten and assured the US and Israel that Canada, the Netherlands and Britain had showed “valour and skill” in fighting the Afghan insurgency. “One of the reasons I decided to tone down the public criticism is that frankly I think they are doing as much as they can,” he said, “and I regret the embarrassment caused by the public disclosure of the manual that contains a list that wrongly includes some of our closest allies.”
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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Sounds Like They Already Have Access To One Too Many Alternate Realities
Republican Presidential candidate John McCain, asked by a Mother Jones reporter about his statement that he could see American troops stay in Iraq for 100 years, said that they could be there for “a thousand years” or “a million years” as far as he was concerned.
Not to be outdone, Republican candidate Mike Huckabee said that he would be delighted if an American could develop a device that would allow troops to move between universes so that they could invade Iraq in an infinite number of alternate realities.
McCain admiringly responded, “God, he’s good!”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322771314668414687fx]
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One More Reason Not To Pay Attention To What You Write, Then
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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One Stop Lobbying
Controversial conservative commentator (is there any other kind?) Ezra Levant went before the Alberta Human Rights Commission to explain why there was nothing wrong with his Web site republishing Danish cartoons that offended Muslims with their negative depiction of the Prophet Muhammed.
Then, in the afternoon, Levant argued before the Alberta Human Rights Commission that the Philip Pullman trilogy His Dark Materials should be banned in the province because of its negative depiction of the god of the old and new testaments of the Bible.
There is no word on whether he ordered lunch in to the hearing room, or if he just went without.
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/lennon-mccartney1.html]
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The Invisible Man (2008). George W. Bush stars as a sitting President who finds himself completely disappearing from public discourse during a Presidential primary season. Can he reappear in time to secure a legacy?
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0078350/]
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Fear and Lohan
As part of her punishment for misdemeanour drunken driving, Lindsay Lohan will have to work two four hour shifts at a morgue. After the release of I Know Who Killed Me, she might discover her career there.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2008/2008/01/15/howlohancanyougo/]
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On The Other Hand, Tanks And Helicopter Gunships Wouldn’t Be Sporting
Today is the beginning of Hunt for Happiness Week, started by The Secret Society of Happy People (sohp.com). Members of the Society suggest using a shotgun or high powered rifle in the hunt; anything smaller may wound happiness, but won’t kill it, and, as every hunter knows, happiness is extremely dangerous when wounded.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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Rhesus CSIS
EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT
It is dark. Two figures in trench coats, hats with wide brims obscuring much of their faces, tentatively approach each other.
CODENAME FRANK: Gordon?
CODENAME GORDON: Frank?
CF: The wild loon signals distress by signing over all its properties to an unnamed investment banker.
CG: (sighs) The Junior Minister of Breath Mints will accentuate your wardrobe if plucked when ripe.
CF: The cash?
CG: Deposited to the usual account. The goods?
CF: Will be delivered to you through the usual channels.
CG: Was it really necessary to meet at two in the morning?
CF: Security protocols must be maintained at all times.
CG: I just wanted a pair of CSIS cufflinks and a CSIS mug for my cubicle.
Codename Frank looks at Codename Gordon and snorts. Then, he turns smartly on his heel and walks away.
CF: (under his breath) This is why we’re losing Afghanistan!
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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