Thank you, Pfc. Buford K. Van Slyke, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And…for god’s sake, man, why aren’t you wearing your dentures?
Enjoy,Spotted Lemur In Da House!
Senator Joseph Lieberman, concerned that he hasn’t been in the spotlight lately, hinted that he has been considering changing species. “I’m not sure I feel comfortable being entirely human,” Lieberman stated. “If I’m not entirely happy with the direction of the human race, I may decide to become a…a marmoset, or, perhaps, a spotted lemur.”
Washington watchers have pointed out that if Lieberman did switch his allegiance to a different species, it would not affect Democratic control of the Senate.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2007May22.html]
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Fool On The Hillier
General Rick Hillier recently stated that “We are Canadian forces and our raison d’etre is to conduct operations and, at times, on your behalf, actually apply disciplined managed violence.” While many Canadians may agree with this assessment, most of us are concerned about those other times when the Canadian forces apply undisciplined unmanageable violence.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591832673&call_pageid=968369278492&col=968358972154]
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To Be Fair, Some Questions Easily Answer Themselves
Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael told interviewers his troubled daughter needs to find god. He did not explain why god seems so intent on hiding from her.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/entertainment/hollywood/2007-05-25-gods-common-sense_x.htm]
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Some Thought The Hot Oil Massage Was A Bit Over The Top…
The Justice Department claimed that the conversation in which Attorney General Alberto Gonzales’ appeared to coach former official Monica Goodling about events surrounding the firing of eight US Attorneys was merely his attempt to “comfort her in a very difficult period of her life.”
Of course, Gonzales was well known for his compassionate treatment of his employees. He would often give back rubs and foot massages to attorneys working in the Justice Department to ease the tensions of the job, and he would always hand write condolence notes rather than buy cards with prepackaged sentiments.
It is also claimed that Gonzales cried when Bambi’s mother died.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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The Balcony Is Closed Pending Investigation Of A Bomb Threat
CANNES REVIEWS
Persepolis, Marjane Satrapi, Vincent Paronnaud (France)Sicko, Michael Moore (United States)
Days of Darkness, Denys Arcand (Canada)
SOURCE: Another Overwrought At the Movies Parody
[http://tvsimplex.go.com/hastalavista/dilbertandromper/today.html]
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Doan Like Dinner
Reasons why the Senate’s investigation into hockey player Shane Doan’s alleged on-ice racial slur was a good thing:
1. It couldn’t help but enflame emotions in Quebec, and thank goodness for that because the summer appeared as if it was going to be lacking in excitement.
2. The distraction changed the odds at the World Hockey Championships, and I made a killing betting on Team Canada.
3. If they don’t investigate something every couple of years, the senators start mucking about with legislation, and we can’t have that!
4. All that talk about the hollowing out of Canada’s corporate sector? Don’t understand a word of it. On the other hand, racial slurs I immediately get. Thanks to the senators, I could read my daily newspaper again without feeling like a complete idiot.
5. It kept the senators off the streets and out of trouble.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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It’s Sad, Isn’t It, When Even Your Toilet Humour Is Boring?
So, yeah, I had to go to the bathroom. It happens. But, nothing happened. No pains when I was peeing. No blood in my stool. While on the toilet, I read the New York Times real estate section – nothing interesting there. Okay, I tooted once, but that just means that I need even more bran in my diet than I already have. Yup. Yup. Yup. All in all, a trip so uneventful even fetishists would have a hard time finding anything of value in it.
But, those of you who have been following my Twitter updates already know that.
SOURCE: Boredom Blog
[http://www.bbking.com/bblog/mindnumbinglydullfriday.htm]
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My Brain Hurts!
The Conservative government will side with European countries against the Bush administration by endorsing a call for greenhouse gas reductions at a G8 summit next week, giving George W. Bush cover in a US effort to water down a new international agreement on climate change.
SOURCE: 24 Hour News Mashups
[http://politicalmashups.seeblogspotrun.com/]
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Another Tony Snow Job
The Bush administration is fighting back against accusations that it is abusing six month old children at its prison on Guantanamo Bay.
“Yes,” spokesman Tony Snow admitted, “reports that we sometimes don’t change nappies for three or four days are true. It’s also true that we deprive these children – and, I want to stress this: children, not babies, as some of you have written – of sleep for six, sometimes seven hours at a time. However, I assure you that this is not torture as defined by the Geneva Conventions.”
When one reporter timidly asked why six month olds were on the terrorism watch list, Snow replied, “Don’t let their age fool you. These children are the baddest of the bad, terrorists who want to destroy us and our way of life. If their name is on the list, it’s there for a reason, and we’ll do everything in our power to find out what that reason is!”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1106749236483460.xmlMoreClevelandWD.htm]
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A Headline Using The Word “Jerk” Would Be Too Easy
International Trade Minister David Emerson said that Liberal calls for a review of rules that allow foreign companies to take over Canadian companies were “knee jerk politics of the worst kind.” Liberal leader Stephane Dion responded: “We’ve sold off everything above the waist. If we don’t jerk our knees now, soon we won’t have any Canadian body parts left to jerk at all!”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070526.eladvote0526_@/BNStory/newsJerks2007/]
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It’s Gerry Falwell’s World, We’re Just Going To Hell In It
Poland’s child rights ombudsman is investigating whether The Teletubbies promotes homosexuality. In response to the announcement of the investigation, Tinky Winky is reported to have said, “Na na na na na naaaa naaa na na na naa naaaaaaaaa.” We don’t know what that means – we’re still looking for a Teletubby translator – but we’re pretty sure it involves the sentiment, “Oh, no, not again.”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2007/2007/05/27/tinkywinkandanod/]
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