Thank you, Primo Segundo, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. You know, mid-term elections make us all starry-eyed and nostalgic for the first time we voted. Sigh. After we got out of jail five days later, we were proud of our contribution to the ongoing experiment of American democracy. We really should get our citizenship, shouldn’t we?
Enjoy,We’ll Step Down When They Step Up…To Line Dance
SIX MONTH TIMETABLE FOR PROGRESS IN IRAQ
JANUARY: Graduate 5,000 soldiers from police academy. Have Iraqi government call for peace between Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds. Have Iraqi government set aside money to improve electricity supply to Baghdad.
FEBRUARY: Over 2,500 soldiers desert from the army. In the face of the fact that over 1,000 civilians officially were killed in January, have Iraqi government renew calls for peace between Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds. Electricity available for three hours a day, up from two hours and 40 minutes last month.
MARCH: Over 1,000 of the remaining soldiers have sold their weapons for food and have to be rearmed. Less than 900 civilians were officially killed in February; have Iraqi government announce that national reconciliation is moving forward. Electricity down to two hours a day; discourage Iraqi government from starting investigation of where the money to improve the electricity supply to Baghdad went.
APRIL: Deployed to the Sunni triangle, over 1,000 of the soldiers disappear. In the face of the fact that over 1,200 civilians officially were killed in March, have Iraqi government renew calls for peace between Shiites, Sunnis and Kurds. Tell Iraqi government that Halliburton spent the money for improving Baghdad’s electricity infrastructure wisely, and if anybody has a problem with that they should talk to Vice President Dick Cheney. Nobody in the Cabinet, Iraqi or American, wants to talk to Vice President Dick Cheney.
MAY: Condoleezza Rice pays a surprise visit to Baghdad. She tells everybody that things are going remarkable well. Everybody in the Iraqi Cabinet tries their best not to look surprised. Acts of sectarian violence double and hours of electricity per day halves in the week after she leaves.
JUNE: Under pressure from the voters at home, Americans withdraw 100 troops from Iraq. They blame the Iraqi people for not democratizing fast enough, and say that whatever happens to them is their own damn fault.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/10809025486cahs01.html]
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And Politicians Wonder Why Nobody Trusts Them…
I know that I’ve been saying for years that the Reform and new Conservative parties were made up of the sort of people who would steal the bread out of the mouths of the elderly, but I never imagined…!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Be Still My Jerking Knee
According to a study in the British medical journal The Lancet, people aren’t losing their virginity at ever younger ages, married people have the most sex and there is no firm link between promiscuity and sexually transmitted diseases.
In response, President Bush disputed the conclusions of the article. “You know, I stand by the figure of 30,000” he stated. “What?”
SOURCE: USA Whenever
[http://www.usawhenever.com/news/national/2006-10-01-unclear-on-the-concept_xxx.htm]
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There Is A Sacred Connection Between A Man And His Chicken Burger
An advertisement for Macdonald’s in which one character tells another that he knows the other loves his Jr. Chicken burger because he wants to marry it has gotten a stern reaction from the international group Bigots Without Borders.
“We told you that it was a slippery slope,” stated BWB spokeswoman Regina LeCoco. “We said that if Canada allowed gay marriage, it was only a matter of time before people would marry dogs, toasters and, yes, chicken burgers! Now, will somebody do something to stop the madness?”
Representatives of Macdonald’s could not be reached for comment, but we distinctly heard laughter coming from behind their closed doors.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b6e6-4c18-bf7b-09b765cc48ec]
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Controversy Dogs Him
Poor Peter MacKay! He wanted a poodle, but he got a Rottweiler instead.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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There Are Awards…For Twins?
Evangeline Lilly had her dressed stepped on at the Gemini Awards. That’s right! The star of ABC’s hit series Lost was being interviewed by some guy who had his back to me so I couldn’t tell who he was – not that I think he was anybody – and he stepped on her dress, ripping a seam. Some unknown guy ripped the seam of Evangeline Lilly’s dress!
Oh, and some Canadian television shows nobody has ever heard of won some awards or something.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now Canada
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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Who Would Dare Vote Against Such A Candidate?
Some people are saying that the guilty verdict and subsequent death sentence in Saddam Hussein’s trial will give a boost to the Republicans coming, as it does, two days before the mid-term elections. But, ahh, I don’t buy it. Who would want to run on the slogan, “We’ve arranged to have our former friend and ally killed because he stopped doing what we told him?” Who would want to vote for such a candidate?
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show With John Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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Where Have I Heard That Befo – Oh, Yeah…
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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I Didn’t Have Sex With That Woman – Am I Missing Anything?
A new biography of Barbra Amiel paints her as a sex-crazed golddigger before marrying Conrad Black. An outraged Black reached for his…thesaurus and bemoaned the treatment he and his wife have been given in the press.
Have we gone too far? Is it time we do the unthinkable and let up on Conrad Black?
NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Somebody as arrogant and pompous as Connie has gotta be good for another decade or two of derisive laughter!
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/54.htm]
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Buono? Borge? Mature? What Do They Know About Justice?
What’s all this I hear about Victor’s justice in Iraq? I mean, just who is this Victor character, anyway, and why does he get to hand out justice? Is he a judge? If so, shouldn’t it be called Your Honour Victor’s justice? Honour Victor – wasn’t he a character in one of those Airplane movies?
I mean…what kind of justice can you get out of somebody named Victor, anyway? I knew a guy named Victor once – he never shaved and he used to steal quarters from the collection plate. Oh, don’t deny it, Victor! Everybody saw you! Just because Father Benedict never – what? What?! WHAT?!
Justice of the winners, not of some guy named Victor? Oh. I don’t understand where the justice in that is at all.
Never mind.
SOURCE: The Emily Litella Remembered Page
[http://www.allaboutalex.wha/Domesday/EmilyRemembered]
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