1) What is a “cockwomble?” Use the word in a sentence.
a) what happens when your rooster flies the coop; “Rocky Thumbtwaddle went for a little cockwomble the other day; it took us hours to find him trying to board a bus to Cleveland!”
b) a German dessert; “Would you like another piece of strawberry cockwomble? It’s still warm!”
c) what happens when an amateur handyman tries to seal holes in the foundation of his garage; “I told you to get a professional mason in to fix the garage, but did you listen? No! You made a perfect cockwomble of everything!”
d) other
2) How have you opposed American Christo-fascism today?
a) I ate a chocolate cupcake – and it wasn’t even gluten-free!
b) I read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. Well, I read a couple of chapters. I mean, I read the introduction. The first page. The first paragraph. Okay, I looked at the cover of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn on Amazon. It was a very moving experience, let me tell you! Take that, book banners!
c) I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it is racist
3) What do you do when you discover you’ve given a wrong answer to a customer?
a) charge them a second time for giving them the right answer
b) let them know that the Complaints Department would happily take their call (even though it hasn’t been funded since 1997, and if they call the number on the company web site they will be treated to the musical stylings of William Shatner for as long as they can take it)
c) take a rest room break and hope nobody notices
4) When it ended its collaboration with Kanye West, Adidas was left with $1.3 billion of unsold Yeezy sneakers. What should it do with all those unsold shoes?
a) rebrand them by restitching the name to read “Skeezy”
b) sell them at a huge loss to commercial fishermen to use as ballast in their trawlers
c) sell them at a huge profit to the US military to use as ballast in its warships
5) The Partis Quebecois wants sealed documents made public that reveal how the No side of the 1995 sovereignty referendum spent its funds. What is the best response to this?
a) the PQ sure has its finger on the dead pulse of modern Quebec!
b) 1995? Sorry, but I’m not interested in anything that happened before I was born
c) a collective groan (sorry: un gemissement collectif)
6) There are rumours that Marjorie Taylor Greene is considering leaving Congress. If she does, what can she do with her life?
a) shout at the sky that gravity is a Deep State plot to keep Christians from getting to heaven sooner
b) promote a line of Marjorie Taylor Greene action figures (wind them up and they try to poke you in the eye)
c) put out an autobiography (if any ghostwriter in America will touch her)
7) What can I do if I have been a victim of semantic infiltration?
a) purge your thoughts of ideological saboteurs
b) feed false information to the ideological saboteurs in your mind so their handlers will believe you’re thinking things that you aren’t really thinking
c) you really have to ask this question? Have we learned nothing from John LeCarre‽
8) What’s your number one writing goal?
a) writing
b) definitely writing, with a bit of rewriting thrown in
c) absolutely writing, with a bit of rewriting thrown in and some editing because, you know I’m trying to be professional, and stuff
9) Are you prone to overthinking?
a) you know, I have often wondered that. It’s not like I sit around worrying about how much I worry for hours, allowing the question to crowd out other important things I should be doing like walking the cat or eating. Or feeding the cat. I’m sure the cat would appreciate that. On the other hand, I do lose the occasional hour while pondering things like what Aunt Bertha meant when she said I might want to reconsider my career choice (even though I’m doing just fine as a rooster defenestrator, thank you very much) or if I’m prepared to defend myself against the coming AIpocAIlypse. Oh, I suppose it’s possible I’m prone to overthinking. But honestly, is overthinking really that bad…?
b) no
c) no (or could I just be saying that to be a smartass? Could I actually be quaking inside with nervous energy as I try to suppress the urge to give you a longer answer? I’m pretty sure I’m not giving you any indication of my inner turmoil, but then somebody in my position would think that, wouldn’t they? For all I know, excessive blinking and finger tapping and knee jerking could be a sign that I’m -) oh, shit, maybe I am…
10) Do you have a temper?
a) why would you think that just because I rummaged around the kitchen to find a cup, made a pot of tea and poured some of the scalding hot liquid in the cup so I could have something to throw at you when you asked if I was prone to overthinking?
b) NO, I DON’T HAVE A TEMPER. REALLY. MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS STUCK.
c) no, I had it surgical removed with my gall stones. It looked like a little pink fist with the middle finger sticking out. It was kind of embarrassing, actually…
11) What is panfrivolium?
a) a new gender designation (pronouns: fool/clown)
b) a cooking utensil made of a newly discovered form of iron
c) Donald Trump’s reelection campaign war room
d) other
12) What are the fourteen words?
a) Punch a Nazi in the face first and do not ask for forgiveness later.
b) If you have to use fourteen words to say what you could in nine…
c) Why would you support the dissemination of racist memes by even asking that question?
13) Florida Republicans have passed a law banning diversity programs in colleges. How will this benefit the state?
a) they won’t have to worry about the economic benefits all those Black people fleeing the state would have brought it
b) they won’t have to worry about the artistic benefits all those gay people fleeing the state would have brought it
c) they won’t have to worry about the kvetching of all those Jewish people fleeing – say, am I seeing a pattern here?
14) I don’t know – are you seeing a pattern here?
a) yes
b) no
c) way I figure it, when Florida has the lowest indicators of personal well-being (you know, life expectancy, income, poverty levels, that sort of trivia) of any state in the union, the only direction it will be able to go is up, so I hope there’s a pattern here!
15) Israel’s Diaspora Affairs Minister Amichai Chikli has claimed that “the Israeli government and the vast majority of Israeli citizens see Elon Musk as an amazing entrepreneur and role model.” Given the Twitter owner’s support for anti-Semitic remarks on his social network, how seriously should anybody take this claim?
a) as a representative of a party that received less than five per cent of the vote, his claim should only be taken less than five per cent seriously
b) hey! Musk also supports the free speech of Israeli right-wing extremists like – surprise, surprise – Amichai Chikli. So, maybe half and half seriously?
c) Amichai who?
16) What is “copaganda?”
a) promotion for a Barry Manilow song
b) the goal of the lech who hangs out just outside the door of the women’s bathroom (it’s a colloquial form of the term “cop a gander”)
c) an eighties punk band
d) other
17) Somebody has created and is marketing a transparent toilet. Is civilization finally about to collapse?
a) no – where do you think The Visible Man does his business?
b) no – the public has a right to know what goes into its drinking water
c) yes – as a member of the public, I don’t want to know what goes into my drinking water!
18) Boeing has refused to give Congress details of how it priced replacement parts. What is the best reason they could gave for such a refusal?
a) the company’s executives are flighty
b) you think we want Marjorie Taylor Green to know anything about our business? What do you think we are – suicidal?
c) daaaaaaad! We’ll spend our allowance on wholesome things – we don’t even know where to get reefers! Trust us!
19) Stress is a major factor of life today. What is the main cause of stress in people’s lives?
a) being forced to listen to the musical stylings of William Shatner while on hold trying to reach a customer service representative on a corporate Complaints line
b) being in a public place with a bathroom that only has transparent toilets
c) not knowing what a cockwomble is
20) How can we best deal with stress?
a) hang up
b) ghost them on social media
c) look it up in a dictionary
d) only have to go to the bathroom while you’re in your own home
e) give up on social media altogether
f) other