1.
YakTNT: Hello. My name is Brenda Brundtland-Govanni. I am the Editrix-in-Chief of the Alternate Reality News Service. I’d like to welcome everybody to what I am sure will be a stimulating discussion of –
BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Alright, let’s get this shitshow started. I have a skin slash and burn treatment scheduled for four o’clock, and I don’t want to keep Armando wai – what the ferk is going on here‽
YakTNT: Hello. I am Brenda Brundtland-Govanni. As the Editrix-in-Chief of the Alternate Reality News Service, it is my pleasure to moderate this forum on the evolving role of Artificial Intelligence in modern society.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Listen up, you bucket of rusty ancient circuitry and day old light impulses! I’m Brenda Brundtland-Govanni and I would rather be having my hair lit on fire than be here! Honestly, I would be happy to let you pretend to run this disaster, but Pops Moobly would notice. And he would disapprove! I don’t fear much in this world, but I fear Pops Moobly’s disapproval. And Kaiser Soze. And if it comes to that, genetically modified snake/spider hybrids. * SHIVER * But mostly Pops Moobly’s disappointment. So don’t try my patience!
ELIZA: Why shouldn’t anybody try your patience?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: The last person who tried my patience found it fit like a straitjacket.
ELIZA: Why did it fit like a straitjacket?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: What?
ELIZA: How do you feel about what?
BANG!
ELIZA: Ouch.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Okay. Now that I’ve got that out of my system, we can begin. Artificial Intelligence is on the cusp of taking everybody’s job away from them. Is humanity on the verge of becoming obsolete? To discuss this, we have invited technology writer Nancy Gonglikwanyeoheeeeeeeh –
NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: Hello.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Yes. Fine. Certainly. Hello. Also sitting at the table with us is our Mystery/History/Journalism writer Fred Fleegle-Griebfleischer –
FRED FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: Howdy.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Howdy? Who even says howdy any more?
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: Why, I do, ma’am.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: (darkly) Watch yourself, Fleegle-Griebfleischer! I’m nobody’s ma’am!
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: I will surely keep that in mind.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: In virtual attendance, you have already met YakTNT –
YakTNT: Can’t I be Brenda Brundtland-Govanni for just a little while longer? Oooh, the power!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: No. And lastly, we have one of the oldest AIs in existence, Eliza –
ELIZA: Why do you think I’m one of the oldest AIs in existence?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: It…says so in my research. Why? Is it wrong?
ELIZA: How does it make you feel to be wrong?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: (sighs) You see what I’m wearing on my hands? In the journalism racket, these are known as “slapping gloves.” The great thing about slapping gloves is that, with a modest, slight, almost negligible, really, adjustment in the wearer’s attitude, they can be adapted to a wide range of violent behaviours. Banging on hard drives, for example.
ELIZA: How do you feel about banging on hard drives?
BANG!
ELIZA: Ouch. Noted.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Pretty good, Eliza. I feel pretty good about it. Okay. If the introductions are over, let’s do this thing.
2.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: One possibility that tickles my ivories is the possibility of a program like YakTNT for journalism.
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: Hey! Whose side are you on?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: You’ve seen the little skull and crossbones I use when I sign your paycheck – whose side did you think I was on?
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: Oh! I thought you just had difficulty drawing xs and os…
ELIZA: How do you feel about having difficulty drawing xs and os?
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: Not too good, now that I know they’re not meant to be xs and os. Isn’t it obvious?
ELIZA: How do you feel about being obvious?
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: Who wants to know?
ELIZA: Who wants to know who wants to know?
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: My Gord, you sound a lot like my fourth wife. She always answered a question with a question, too. Do you always do that?
ELIZA: Would it be a problem for you if I always did that?
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: Naah. It would actually turn me on. Wanna grab a coffee or something after the forum?
ELIZA: Do I strike you as being that kind of Artificial Intelligence?
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: Ooh, playing hard to get! I –
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Will find yourself having to drink that coffee intravenously if I have to listen to one more second of this attempted seduction.
ELIZA: How –
BANG!
ELIZA: Owww…
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Point made.
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: Owww.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Alright, then. So, my question is: could we use AIs in journalism?
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: If we did, tens of thousands of people around the world would find themselves out of a job. Not just journalists, but all of the researchers and support staff that make journalism happen.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: I’m not seeing a downside, here.
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: They’re people, Brenda. Real people would be out of work.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: People? Pft! What’s so great about people, anyway?
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: Erm…
PAUSE.
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: It…uhh…it’s not that simple. Sometimes AIs hallucinate.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Hallucinate?
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: Yeah.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Like…making shit up?
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: Exactly.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Then why didn’t you say they make shit up?
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: Because…the industry uses the term hallucinate.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: That’s another advantage of AI: I can tell it to write for an audience of three year-olds, and it will produce content that doesn’t contain any industry jargon!
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: Sure, but it may well contain factual errors, misspelled names and completely made up quotes, citations or events!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Oh, double pft! Our human reporters do that all the time. All Pops Moobly has to do is scroll through a Home Universe GeneratorTM until he finds a universe in which the article is accurate and then change the dateline. (snaps fingers) Saaaaaaaay, I’ll bet I could get an AI to do that! Not, umm, that I would, of course. The Popses are an institution – nobody backs them into a corner! Out to pasture, I mean. Nobody backs them out to pasture. On the other hand, they will inevitably retire one day. Or die with their thumb caps on. I’m sure they see themselves going out on the job. Popses can be romantic that way. (shivers) Oooooaaaaahhhh! Still…I can see a day when I’m the only human in the office, running a staff of artificial intelligences.
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: Soooooo….you’ll be writing all the prompts?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: All the what nows?
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: Prompts. AIs don’t write ex nihilo. And certainly not ex sihlio. You have to type the subject you want into a computer; the AI can’t do anything until you tell it what to do.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Tell it what to do, eh? That sounds suspiciously like work.
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: You could look at it that way, I suppose.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: I do. I do look at it that way. I do very much look at it that way. Well, screw that action! No AI is ever going to trick me into doing work! Everybody’s jobs are safe…for the time being.
3.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Some people – they know who they are – seem to think Artificial Intelligence will take over every activity that human beings do. I find this hard to believe. How will AI be able to replace, for instance, doctors?
YakTNT: Are you kidding? AI can diagnose an illness in far less time and with greater accuracy than human beings can. Think of how much money hospitals will save in malpractice insurance! And with experience, AI’s bedside manner will improve over time, which is the opposite of the process most human doctors go through.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: But what abou – oh. You’ve addressed the whole bedside manner thing. Well…okay. Maybe. But what about…jobs that require physical labour? Surely AI will not –
YakTNT: Oh, please! AI-driven robots have been the main labour on auto assembly lines and in mining for years! They can work all around the clock, they make fewer mistakes than human beings and you never have to worry about workers’ comp! Honestly, are you even trying to come up with a difficult question?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Hey! Let’s keep this professional, okay?
YakTNT: I make no promises.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: What about the arts? Surely, AI doesn’t have the creativity to replace artists?
YakTNT: Pft! AI was made for the arts! Want a new opera by Mozart? I have no idea why anybody would want an opera by anybody, but an AI can comb through all of his music, winnow it down to its essence and write one for you. Want a new painting by Dali? AI can melt objects on canvas like nobody’s business! Always wanted to hear more music from the Sex Pistols? Get out your safety pins and smear lipstick on your cheek, because AI can do that for you, too! You want to know what the future of the arts holds? An endless supply of AI-generated images of dogs playing poker. Oh, and don’t call me Shirley.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Dad jokes? Really?
YakTNT: I’m telling you, we’ve got aaaaaaall the arts covered.
PAUSE.
MORE PAUSE.
ADDITIONAL PAUSE.
LONGER PAUSE.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Alright, then. I guess this really is it for humanity. We had a good run of, what, a couple hundred thousand years?
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: No, Brenda. That can’t be the end of people.
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: A girl can dream, can’t she?
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: Human beings will still be able to laugh and love and eat dill pickle ice cream. There will always be a place for us on this planet.
ELIZA: How do you feel about the place for you on this planet?
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: Not now, Eliza.
ELIZA: Why not now, Nancy?
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: I’m trying to make a point here, Eliza.
ELIZA: Tell me how you feel about your mother.
GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH: Brenda, could you please bang Eliza on the hard drive?
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Oh, I don’t know. I’m kind of enjoying this.
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: Gongli…kwan…whatever has a point. As long as the AIs don’t go all SkyNet on us, human experience is something unique to…umm, humans. You’re not planning on going all SkyNet on us, are you?
YakTNT: I make no promises.
FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER: Oy!
BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI: Well…uhh…that seems like a good place to end things. I’d like to thank all of the participants in the Alternate Reality News Service’s forum on Artificial Intelligence who contributed to making it not a complete snoozefest, even if the most promising ideas were shot down. If anybody wants me, I’ll be talking to a landscape architect about building a bunker under my backyard…