by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology/Social Media Writer
Barry (not his real name) likes painting colourful urban hellscapes in his spare time. He says it soothes him. He has a dog (named “Dog”), a cat (named “Cat”) and a snub-nosed salmon (named “Tune O’ Da Sea”) for companionship. Recently, he joined an online Marvellous Mrs. Maisel fan club, but he finds the comments shallow and doesn’t think he’ll stay in it for much longer.
Barry (for those of you who are first paragraph skippers, I repeat: not his real name) could be you or me. If you or me were killers for hire.
“I prefer to think of myself as a ‘people who wouldn’t be missed effectuator,’ he explained to me. “And effectuation business is booming!”
There are, in fact, so many people who wouldn’t be missed that Barry (in case you’re having trouble making short-term memories: not his real name) has been having trouble managing his case load. Sometimes the problem is logistics: he has a short window for one effectuation before he has to be in place for the next one. Sometimes the problem is supplies: he doesn’t have enough plastic to wrap the bodies in to be able to transport them to the landfill where they will ultimately be laid to rest.
Aware of the situation, Barry (please accept that it isn’t his real name – for Gord’s sake, I have children!)’s handler suggested that he take on an assistant. As anybody who has seen an episode of Dexter (I have no idea if it’s his real name or not, but it has been made public so often that I’m probably on safe ground using it), people who wouldn’t be missed effectuation is not a profession that lends itself to trusting another human being enough to allow them to help you.
When was the last time you saw “people who wouldn’t be missed effectuator assistant” on a job applicant’s resume? In those rare cases where it does happen, the effectuator assistant either becomes a liability that has to be effectuated himself (handing out resumes with “people who wouldn’t be missed” listed under job experience would be a sign you never really understood the job) or effectuates the effectuator to become the effectuator himself.
Fortunately, technology had a solution to the problem: adapt artificial intelligence program YakTNT to his needs.
“It’s been a life-saver!” the effectuator enthused. “In a manner of speaking…”
YakTNT, with its ability to scour a vast amount of online information, came up with the most likely place that effectuees would be isolated and easy prey. Then, it suggested optimum routes between effectuations; because it had real-time traffic monitoring capabilities, it knew which roads to avoid due to water main bursts or road rage incidents.
Not only that, but YakTNT was able to maintain an inventory list and alert Barry (not his real name – sorry, but I have a quota of mentions of that fact to fill) when he was running low on supplies. “There was one time,” he told me, “when I would have run out of rubber gloves if it hadn’t been for YakTNT. The possibility of leaving fingerprints at an effectuation scene may not seem like a big deal to armchair effectuators, but that’s the difference between a professional and a life sentence at a maximum penitentiary!”
One use of the program that the effectuator had not anticipated was keeping track of his finances. “You would not believe how many fewer truant accounts I have had since I started using YakTNT to handle my business!” he enthused. I must have given him a look (I didn’t! I swear I didn’t! I would never! But, uhh, if he thought I did, I wholeheartedly and without hesitation or reservation apologize!), because he went on: “Hey! This is America! A man’s got a right to make a living, right?”
When I asked him if the software would help other people who would not be missed effectuators, Barry (one more time, with feeling: not his real name) shook his head in disgust. “There are so many wannabes! People will shoot you because you got into the wrong car or rang the wrong doorbell or – heaven forbid! – ask you to stop shooting into the air because they’re trying to put their kids to sleep. They’re the worst! I mean, they’ve got no style. And technically they’re all over the place! Worse, they don’t even try to get away with it! I tell you, and I think YakTNT will agree with me on this – amateurs really are the worst!”