by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
Syrian journalist –
“It was a rogue operation run by rogue agents,” President Ronald McDruhitmumpf interrupted. “The roguest. Agents, I mean. Everybody knows that.”
I, uhh, hadn’t actually described what had happened yet. The President nodded, as if to say, “Go on.” Or, possibly, “Get the fake news out of your system – I’ll be saying whatever I want anyway.” Presidential nods can be worse than horoscopes that way.
Journalist Jamal Kashananyogghi walked into the Syrian embassy in Turkey and never walked out again. A critic of Saudi Clown Prince Salman Naaz bin Lahbib (who is sometimes referred to by his initials, SNL), Kashananyogghi had fled to Vesampucceri, where he was a regular opinion writer for the Washburningdington Post.
“No, no, no,” insisted Syrian government spokespuppet Khalil Alhambraonwrye. “Look at this grainy footage of somebody walking out of the Syrian embassy in Turkey. That is clearly a journalist – you can tell by the way he walks! And, look at the grey smudges on his fingertips! That is the sign of an ink stained monkey wrench! Clearly, it is Jamal Kashananyogghi!”
The figure in the video could have been Kashananyogghi, if Kashananyogghi had been a foot taller and had breasts. Honestly, this was the most unconvincing body double substitution since movie director Ed Overwoodendale asked his dentist if he ever wanted to get into acting. Oh, and the smudge on his/her fingertips? What part of “grainy footage” does the Syrian spokespuppet think we don’t understand?
“But, it’s clearly the jacket that the lying jackal tool of international imperialism – sorry, I meant: the journalist was wearing when he entered the building. You can tell by the ‘Goooooo Pool Bears!’ on the back,” Alhambraonwrye pointed out.
That would make it stranger, though. How would somebody else have gotten Kashananyogghi’s coat?
“Good question, lying jackal tool of international – journalist!” Alhambraonwrye hissed with a smile. “Jamal – I can call him that because I’ve been talking about him so much lately that I feel like I know the traitorous dog – entered the embassy to get paperwork he needed to marry the slut he loved. Or, did he? He probably got cold feet and ran out on her. Just like that Vesampuccerian movie – what was it called? Oh, yes: Runaway Bride…Who in No Way Was Tortured, Killed and Had Her Body Dismembered by a Saudi Arabian Hit Squad.
When I pointed out that no Vesampuccerian movie had ever been released with that name, Alhambraonwrye sighed and pointed out that translation was such an imperfect art.
Still, the title seemed…specific. Very specific. Surprisingly, so. So, it was no surprise when the government of Turkey announced that two planeloads of “consultants” flew into the country the day before Kashananyogghi disappeared. The “consultants” included three men known for their persuasive interrogation techniques, two digital communications experts and a partridge in a pear tree (that would be Kamal “Bone Cutter” Par-al-Compostridge).
“When you put it that way,” Alhambraonwrye allowed, “maybe the movie title was too ‘on the nose,’ because it sounds a little like a Saudi hit squad was sent to kill an enemy of SNL!”
A little? Actually, it sounds exactly like a Saudi Hit squad was sent to kill an enemy of the Saudi Clown Prince.
“Journalists!” Alhambraonwrye spat out. “Fine. That’s what happened. A Saudi hit squad was sent to kill an enemy of SNL. But, the Clown Prince did not order this – ‘assassination’ is such a historically loaded term, don’t you think? Let us call it an ‘extrajudicial killing,’ shall we? – the Clown Prince did not order it. Had nothing to do with it. It was definitely a rogue operation run by rogue agents!”
“What did I tell you?” President McDruhitmumpf gloated. Gloatfully. “Rogue operation. Rogue agents. The roguest. The agentist. Everybody is saying so. And, if they didn’t before, they’re saying so now. Everybody. The everybodyist. Saying so.”
“Oh, come on!” said token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “The Clown Prince of Saudi Arabia has a hit list for…everybody who…umm, is critical of him… So…yeah…it’s probably a long list, a very long list, so you and I are probably safe. Probably. But, look. I mean, there aren’t a lot of Saudi Arabians who can authorize a 15 person assassina – sorry, extrajudicial killing. My momma always used to say to me: ‘Token smart person Amy, if it walks like a murderous thug and it quacks like a murderous thug, well, you better hope your name is way, way down on its hit list!'”
Meanwhile, the Clown Prince announced that he would be conducting an investigation into Kashananyogghi’s death himself. “To start, I would like to talk to token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. You wouldn’t happen to know where she lives, would you…?”