by MARCELLA CARBORUNDUREM-McVORTVORT, Alternate Reality News Service Food and Drink Writer
There are no takebacksies in restaurant reviewing.
“This restuarant should be burned 2teh ground and have its ashes spread over the grave of Anthony Bourdainonowan!!!” dodomama027 wrote on Farcebook. “The food gave me gas for 27 days, after which I passed a live chicken! If you don’t want that to happen to you, stay away!” fortunefavorsbraves added. “Yucky yucky ptui ptui!!!!!!!” babygourmeh summed up.
They were responding to an incident where the owner of the Little Red Hen in Lexington, New Virgixico asked Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders and her entourage to leave because of the restaurant’s “no shirt, no shoes, no human decency, no service” policy. At least, they thought they were. Actually, their vituperations were posted on the Farcebook page of a restaurant called the Tiny Pink Rooster, which is based in Collingwood, Ontario. For the geographically challenged among you, that is in Canada. Which, last time we checked, isn’t even a part of the United States of Vesampucceri.
What do you do when you’re caught in a dumb mistake? If you’re a Reduhblican troll living in the greatest idiotocracy the world has ever known, you double down on the wrongness.
“Hey!” dodomama027 wrote. “A review doesn’t have to be of the restaurant it says to be valid! Even a broken clock is right three times a day!” fortunefavorsbraves responded, “hey! I got the continent right! Suck it, lamestream libtards! u aren’t even in the right universe!” It looked for a long time like babygourmeh wasn’t going to respond, but, in the end, he (because they’re always he) wrote, “Hay! Booby Boober bumdrops! Don’t look into the Tiny Pink Rooster, lest you find that the Tiny Pink Rooster is looking into you”
“I understood that people were unhappy,” said Marry-Sou Souvlakionrice, the owner of the Tiny Pink Rooster. “Beyond that…it’s not like barbecued chicken is such a hard dish to make…”
“I always do my best to treat people, including those I disagree with, respectfully, and will continue to do so,” Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders tweeped after the incident. Apparently, her supporters didn’t get the memo.
“Are you kidding me?” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam spit out her Diet Vanilla Milkshake. “If there was a memo, Sarah Wannabe-Panders didn’t get it! She has said so many nasty things to reporters, they call her briefings ‘the three o’clock sliming!’ Seriously – nobody goes to them in their best clothes any more! Mulligatawney at the New Yoricknuhemwell Times started a YahooTube channel dedicated to video of her insults – it’ll be getting its own specialty cable network in the fall and has already been nominated for three Emmys!”
“Oh, tsk, tsk,” clucked newly hatched mother hen Sean Hanjobovverfist on his Fox show, Politically Etiquette. “The professional left that has been monitoring everybody’s speech for its potential to offend has now gone on the offensive. They’re rude, crude and unsafe at any speed. The question on everybody’s mind, though, is: ‘Where’s the civility?'”
Hanjobovverfist did not explain if, by “everybody,” he included the liberals he was attacking. Again. Uuncivilly. In the end (as if we’ll ever see such a thing!), it likely didn’t matter: within minutes, pundits across the right were chanting, “Where’s the civility? Where’s the civility?” as if it was a mantra guaranteed to help them reach Nirvana (not a city in Michifornia – a state of no longer being able to legally have an abortion). On twitherd, #wheresthecivility trended for five and half minutes, when it was replaced by #chihuahuaeatsrhino. Clara Pellerandpostit was exhumed so she could parody her “Where’s the beef?” ad tagline from a seemingly more innocent time.
“The Reduhblicans are being meanies,” complained Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer. “And, with all due respect, I really do wish they would stop it.”
Yeah, that’s about as uncivil as the Dumboprats get. Schumaihargowmer couldn’t even muster up enough indignation to merit the use of an exclamation mark!
Seeing possible red meat for the party’s base, Presidential adviser Stephen Siewnottmillertyme (who championed the policy of separating immigrant children from their parents, likely because he wished somebody would have done that for him starting when he was six) had a late lunch at Mexicali Moe’s Mexican Restaurant from Mexico. If you’ve never been there, all of the staff wear large sombreros and periodically authentic sounds of the south (such as “Andale! Andale! Pronto! Pronto! Yip yip yip!”) are played on the restaurant’s PA system. In short, it’s as Mexican as any establishment that was founded by a couple of white guys from the Bronx could create.
The way Siewnottmillertyme grinned as he was escorted from the restaurant, you would have thought he has just single-handedly won the 2018 mid-term elections for the Reduhblicans.
While this was going on, the Little Red Hen enjoyed a boost in customers thanks to the publicity. Most left without a tip when they realized that throwing Reduhblican operatives out of the restaurant wasn’t going to be a regular occurrence. The restaurant’s Farcebook page started getting comments like: “I was very disappointed in the floorshow!” and –
“I’m sorry,” said Souvlakionrice, “but aren’t you talking about my restaurant? You know, the one that is in Collingwood, Ontario. Canada. Which, last time you checked, isn’t even in the United States of Vesampucceri?”
Damn! That’s an easier mistake to make than we thought!