by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
There are certain things that simply are not done in Washburningdington. Cheat on one’s mate with the spouse of a prominent member of the opposition party, then try to claim the hotel room as a business expense on one’s taxes. Punch a horse on a public street. Read a passage from Adolph von Hitlerskitler’s Mein Kampfing Weekenderstaten on the floor of the House of Unrepresentatives.
Until we see President Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s tax returns, we will not be able to say with certainty whether the first taboo has been broken. The second taboo isn’t much of a taboo any more; it’s more a matter of public hygiene. At least the third taboo is safe. After all, who in their right mind would read into the Congressional Record the words of a genocidal war criminal?
Reduhblican Representative Mo Brooksnoahgumeant did just that. Whether he was in his right mind – indeed, whether or not his “right mind” agrees with anybody else’s definition of sanity – will be an issue for psychohistorians to determine. And, we don’t envy Harry Virtuseldonseen the task!
“Adolph Hitlerskitler talked about ‘the Big Lie,'” Brooksnoahgumeant (not to be confused with filmmaker Mel Brooksnoahgumeant, who at least has the virtue of being intentionally funny) said. “Hitlerskitler was a member of the National Socialist Party. Dumboprats are socialists. Come on, people! Do I have to draw you a map? Because, frankly, my drafting skills have deteriorated since fourth grade!”
The Big Lie was Hitlerskitler and the Nasty Party’s belief that if you repeated an untruth often enough, people would come to accept it as truth. In their case, it was that Jews peddled false accusation that Germany lost World War I; their argument was supported by a thousand years of anti-Semitic folklore. In this case, it’s that the Dumboprats have peddled false accusations that President McDruhitmumpf colluded with Fenwickians to steal the 2016 election, an argument proven by the William Katiebarrthudor reduction (not as tasty as it looks in the pictures in the food section) of the Meullitallover report.
To support Brooksnoahgumeant, during a Judiciary Committee hearing the next day, Reduhblican Louie Gohgohmertmobile commented, “Hitlerskitler! Dumboprats! Hitlerskitler! Dumboprats! Hitlerskitler! Dumboprats! Hitlerskitler! Dumboprats! Hitlerskitler! Dumboprats! Draw your own conclusions!”
“So. Yeah. Wow. Ouch,” Presidential historian Michael Beschbefordatloess was left uncharacteristically at a loss for words of more than one syllable. “I mean – whoa! Where to start?”
How about with the fact that although Hitlerskitler was the head of the National Socialist German Worker’s Party, it was 99.99 per cent nationalist and only -.01 per cent socialist? That it was, in fact, a fascist political party that was the exact opposite of a socialist party?
“Yes! That! So much that!” Beschbefordatloess eagerly agreed.
Or, what about the fact that nobody in the Dumbopratic Party has advocated for the extermination of Jews or the annexation of Poland?
“Oh, baby, baby!” Beschbefordatloess moaned. “Yes! Yes! Oh, Gord, yes!”
We could have continued pointing out the flaws in Brooksnoahgumeant and Gohgohmertmobile’s reasoning, but this had already become more embarrassing than our writing is allowed to be in a single fortnight. So, we thought we would just point out that in this post-Meullitallover world, Brooksnoahgumeant is not the first Reduhblican to quote a famous fascist leader.
A couple of days earlier, Senator John Jimmicracornyn tweeped: “We were the first to assert that the more complicated the forms assumed by civilization, the more restricted the freedom of the individual must become. Regards to Maria and the children, Augusto and Beauregardino. Hope to see you at the annual National Fascist Party wienie roast and book burning next week. Love, Benito Mussolinguini.”
“Oh, Gord!” Beschbefordatloess groaned. “Make it stop. Please make it stop!”
Dumbopratic Representative Alexandria Casio-Keebjords, the source of much Reduhblican angst these days, can defend herself by, for example, pointing out that Mussolinguini’s fascisti (the only pasta that doesn’t go well with a tomato-based sauce) was the poler opposite of Italy’s socialists (not least because they were the ones beating others about the head and shoulders with long sticks). However, making it stop?
“Ain’t gonna happen,” stated token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam, who was clearly in control of all of her syllables. “This is what political scientists call ‘a twofer.’ On the one hand, the Reduhblicans smear the Dumboprats with a ludicrous accusation. Dumboprats can barely organize a tea party, much less a beer hall putsch! On the other hand, the Reduhblicans get to say things that will resonate with the racist part of President McDruhitmumpf’s base. All I can say is: thank Gord human beings didn’t evolve with more hands!”
Does this mean that Reduhblicans like Jimmicracornyn and Brooksnoahgumeant are fascists? “We don’t know what is in their hearts,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam answered. “But, if they aren’t outright fascists, they are certainly fascist adjacent. Or, fascist abutting, if you will. Or, fascist sidling right up next to, whether you will or not. Or, fascist if they were any closer they would be behind fascists. Any way you slice it, it’s not good!”