by ENGELBERT HUMPERFLAPDOODLEPUSS, Alternate Reality News Service Excrement Writer
In a small room somewhere close to the Mexico-US border (but, not too close because you don’t want any drug dealing or human trafficking to rub off on you), President Ronald McDruhitmumpf was bikini waxing poetic (he’s the surf Shakeaspeararetoo!).
“It’s like the dial is pointing at F,” he was saying. “Beyond F. It’s like we’ve eaten so much that our engines will explode if we take one more bite. No, no, no, we don’t want that waffer thin mint – it’s diesel, and we need regular…although it does look tasty…and, honestly, what could one little bite possibly hurt…?”
You could be forgiven for thinking that the President was talking about Vesampucceri’s obesity epidemic. But, he wasn’t. You could almost be forgive (would it kill you to apologize? – oh, you know what for!) for thinking that he was talking about how Vesampucceri’s obsession with big cars feeds global hot as hellification. But, he most certainly wasn’t.
No, the President was talking about his second favourite subject (and the first isn’t his wife Melanoma, although she’s in the top 50…probably…): immigration.
In that speech, President McDruhitmumpf went on to say: “We’d be happy to take all of Mexico’s murderers and rapists, really, we would, but…we just don’t have the room. The United States of Vesampucceri is full. Filled to the brim – if only we wore a bigger hat! Plum full to burstin’ – can’t say we don’t get enough fruit in our diet! Full of beans – and we all know how unpleasant that can be in a confined space! Maybe we overestimated how much fruit we’ve been eating! Full court press – which is what will happen if the Dumboprats insist on getting the full Meullitallover report! Full disclosure – hunh! As if! Full of itself – so we don’t need an invasion of other selfs. Every room in the country is taken, everybody knows that. So, I’m sorry, Mexican murderers and rapists, but you’ll just have to try a motel in Ecuador!”
“This is the most insanely ludicrous thing the President has ever said…today!” responded President of Voto Latino Maria Teresa Kumasatralez. “The United States has the third largest land mass in the world and a population a quarter of the size of India or China. There is enough room in the Grand Ditch alone to give a home to all Latin American refugees and asylum-seekers for the next 17 years!”
“Does this look like we aren’t completely full?” President McDruhitmumpf said, poking a member of his security detail in the side of the head as he swept his arm in front of him to indicate the crowded room. A Washburningdington Post reporter who had to tape the session from the back pocket of this reporters pants because there was nowhere else to stand squeaked in agreement.
“I, uhh, really don’t think you can, you know, judge the space available in a country by the space available in a single room,” argued columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe from where he was standing on the ceiling. “That would be like, you know, pronouncing Global Hot as Hellification a hoax because one day the temperature was colder than average for that time of – oh, wait. You say that, too. I…I’m sorry, I think the blood is rushing to my he – oh, my.” Robinsoncrusoe fell to his knees and ended up sitting next to a light fixture.
Having given up his plans to close the border (because economic suicide) for the time being (because functioning economy is overrated), the President’s plan now appears to be to politely discourage immigrants and asylum seekers from trying to enter the country. Or, possibly to demonstrate to potential immigrants that the United States is full of crazy people, and why would anybody choose to live in such a madhouse?
“It’s a trick!” shouted token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “This President doesn’t do polite! He breaks out into xenophobia whenever he tries!” Doing a reasonably passable McDruhitmumpf impression (let’s just say that Alec Defblyndenbaldwin has nothing to worry about), she added: “Would you be so kind as to pass the creamed beef with immigrants are gonna steal your children’s underwear if we don’t stop them now! Ha ha ha ha ha – burp!”
“The President is not gonna let go of the immigration issue because it plays to his base,” Kumasatralez pointed out. “You can expect him to ramp up the anti-immigrant rhetoric all the way…all the way to the 2020…the 2020 electi – oh, my Gord! To think I gave up a promising career as a Mongolian pastry chef to do this – what was I thinking‽“