Thank you, Esmerelda de Vansconcella, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we thought to ourselves, “What’s the point? There’s so much ignorance in the world, and it seems to be growing at an exponential rate, while understanding is only growing at a mathematical rate. You know what the smartest people are doing? Pig farming! That’s right – raising animals for slaughter. What do they know that we don’t? You think knowledge is power? Bullshit! Power is power! Knowledge just lets you know how much you don’t know, and how powerless you are to do anything about it…” Then, we bought ourselves a Hummer and a trophy spouse and forgot all about it.
Enjoy,Giants In A World Of Pygmies
Economist John Kenneth Galbraith died at the age of 97. On his deathbed, he said, “I lived through the era of robber barons to see the era of robber baron corporations.” Sad to think that as he lay dying, he was still smarter than you are.
Community activist Jane Jacobs died at the age of 89. On her deathbed, she said that creating New York-like canyons out of high rise condominiums would be the death of Toronto. Sad to think that as she lay dying, she still had more vision than you do.
Country music star Buck Owens died at the age of 76. On his deathbed, he reportedly said, “Yee haw!” Happy to think that as he lay dying, he was still hokier than you are.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
“I Want To Thank You For The Importance That You've Shown For Education And Literacy.” No, Thank You, Mister President
When asked whether he approved of a Spanish version of the national anthem, President Bush responded, “I think the national anthem ought to be sung in English, and I think people who want to be a citizen of this country ought to learn English.” Perhaps he should lead by example.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
Too Soon?
9:00pm. NBC. Survivor Darfur. Mustapha and Maryam try to hide from marauding soldiers. Meanwhile, Ahmed and Nayla wander through a refugee camp looking for somebody who has food rations they can steal.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
I’d Be Happy To, But He’s Not Returning My Calls
MONDAY: Would somebody please tell Bill Maher that his blow job fetish isn’t really as amusing as he thinks it is? Please?
TUESDAY: I can’t really speak to his alcoholism or use of foul language, but somebody should tell Toronto Councillor Rob Ford that he’s looking more and more like Chris Farley every day. He really needs to hear this.
WEDNESDAY: Rush Limbaugh will have a prescription fraud charge dropped if he agrees to random drug tests for the next 18 months. “Do you think if there was any evidence we would have reached a settlement?” Limbaugh asked. Gee, I don’t know, Rush. Do you think if you were innocent, you would have been so quick to accept a settlement?
THURSDAY: Aren’t rhetorical questions a wonderful thing?
FRIDAY: So, Hilary Clinton supports building a wall between Mexico and the United States. It’s great that she’s willing to take an unpopular stand on such a vital issue. She’s going to make a great Presidential candidate…for the Republican Party.
SATURDAY: Those of you who think the oil companies are gouging people with artificially high prices should back off. Really, just back off. Did you know that ExxonMobil is expected to report first quarter earnings of only $9.1 billion. That’s right. Only $9.1 billion. That’s down from the record $10.7 billion the company posted in the fourth quarter of 2005. Can you imagine losing over $1.5 billion in four months? It sure puts the cost of filling your gas tank into perspective, doesn’t it? So, cut ExxonMobil and the other oil companies some slack, already, okay?
SUNDAY: Why do stupid people have such a hard time meditating? You would think that they would be closer to making their minds an empty vessel than the rest of us…
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
I’ll Vote For Any Politician Who Gives Me Tax Relief Rhetoric Relief
Tax relief? Don’t get me started! The term is supposed to bring up images of fatherly doctors giving you sage medical advice. “It looks like a perforated tibia, Misses Unterleider. I’m going to give you this prescription for tax relief…”
You think it’s a good idea? Look around: the roads are crumbling and our medical system is fading fast. I want “pothole relief,” mixed with some serious “health care relief!”
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
Suffer, The Little Children, Suffer!
Opposition is growing to the government’s policy of allowing children of illegal immigrants to go to Canadian schools. I can only assume that opponents of this policy disagree with Dean Wormer’s advice that “Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.”
SOURCE: aye Weakly
Senility Will Never Be The Same (Explain To Me Again Why That’s A Good Thing…?)
The latest trend among Baby Boomers? Competitive Aging. Competitive Aging (or CA, as it is sometimes called) is exactly what the name implies – senior citizens vying to see who has the most liver spots, or who has passed the largest gall stones.
“Baby Boomers were always competitive – they always had to be the best at everything,” commented social scientist Bobby Gilpin, who is surprisingly mature for his age (32). “Strange as this is, it is not entirely out of character…”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
John Lennon Got Nothing On Me
Statistics Canada is urging francophones to ignore an anonymous email that encourages them to give bogus information in the upcoming census in order to “have a little fun and mess up the Canadian federalist apparatus.” Can you imagine, seven million people telling the census that they’re all Groucho Marx? Or, that they all made $12 million in 2005? Or, that they’re all secretly penguins?
Canada might not survive, but what would be left would be much more interesting.
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
New Opportunities For Old Hands
Chief Wikipedia Officer. A major corporation (Fortune 500 and all that) is looking for somebody who will monitor the Wikipedia Web site for any mention of the company and quickly correct any factual errors that may arise. English proficiency is helpful. Salary commensurate with the flexibility of your definition of the phrase “factual errors.”
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed