Thank you, Shaniqua Malefactorum, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. DID YOU KNOW: that there is no oxygen in Brandon, Manitoba?
Enjoy,Now We’re Getting Nowhere!
Karl Rove is giving up his post as White House deputy chief of staff to focus on the upcoming mid-term elections. He remains senior adviser and the chief policy aide of President George W. Bush.
What does this mean in practical terms? Rove’s hold on government has gone from this:
To this:
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
Best Not To Question Such Things
arnold) When the softwood lumber deal between Canada and the United States was signed, it was trumpeted by the press. When, a few days later, Canada signed up to extend NORAD indefinitely – not to mention expanding it to include threats by sea as well as in space – t’weren’t hardly a peep. What’s up with that?SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
The Pussycats Save The Dei
Owing to the upcoming release of the Tom Hanks thriller The Da Vinci Code, based on the bestselling novel by Dan Brown, the religious organization Opus Dei is trying to rehabilitate its image. “Really,” one member of the secret organization stated, “we’re just a bunch of pussycats.
“Super-secret shadowy pussycats who adhere to a strict Catholic doctrine that includes traditional gender roles and regularly flogging themselves for the sins of their flesh, maybe. Still, everybody has to have a positive public identity nowadays…”
SOURCE: Unicycle
April Fool’s Dei
I got it! I got it! I got it!
The secret message in Justice Peter Smith’s ruling in the plagiarization case against The Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown is: The meaning of lif. No, seriously. Take the third letter of every fifth word in the italicized portions of Justice Smith’s ruling, except for the fourth paragraph, where you have to take the fifth letter of every third word (except the second, which is only two letters long), and you’ve got it. More or less. And, this is perfect because, of course, it’s a book by Douglas Adams, who also wrote The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, which, as any schoolkid can tell you, posits the answer to life, the universe and everything as 42. Of course, as any zygote can tell you, according to the Kaballah, the number 42 represents –
Oh, yeah. I live for this stuff!
SOURCE: Mike’s Ultimate Conspiracy Page
Maid In The Shade
This weekend, the final part of Jan Wong’s series “Made in Canada,” where the intrepid Glob reporter goes undercover for a month as a prostitute. She’s been beaten, harassed by police, had her money stolen – three times – and contracted a variety of exotic and mundane diseases. What lessons has she learned from all of this? Find out this weekend.
The Glob and Maul – it’s not just a newspaper, it’s the beginning of an argument.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
He Almost Sold That One, Too
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
No Wonder Their Circulation Is Declining: Even They Don’t Read The Words They Just Wrote!
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
I Thought He Was A Uniter, Not A Decider
“I hear the voices, and I read the front page, and I know the speculation,” said President George W. Bush after six former generals called for the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. “But I'm the decider, and I decide what’s best.”
This phrase was written by Michael Gerson, Bush’s speechwriter. And, Carl Rove okayed it. And, of course, Bush ran it by his good friend Condoleezza Rice before making it. Oh, and he tested it out of Miss Beasley’s third grade English class, where it was overwhelmingly approved. Otherwise, he was the decider. Yeah. Sure, he was.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
If They Weren’t Bastards, They Wouldn’t Live In The East
PREMIER: Okay. We’ve managed to get the last drop of oil out of the ground. Now, what?
AIDE: W…w…what do you mean?
PREMIER: What do we do with the surplus we developed over the boom years?
AIDE: We don’t have a surplus developed over the boom years.
PREMIER: We don’t?
AIDE: We gave it away in tax cuts.
PREMIER: Oh. Well, good thing we invested in our industrial infrastructure so the province has a sound economic base.
AIDE: Well, uhh, actually, we didn’t, so we don’t.
PREMIER: We didn’t?
AIDE: No.
PREMIER: We don’t?
AIDE: Afraid not.
PREMIER: Well, what the hell are we supposed to do now?
AIDE: Blame the eastern bastards?
PREMIER: Brilliant!
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
Bullied Are The Peacemakers
Christian Peacemaking Teams are un-Christian. What are they thinking, going to Iraq to bear witness to the war? Jesus Christ did not bear witness to anything! Jesus Christ kicked ass! Jesus Christ took names!
What would Christ do? Christ would pilot a Viper that dropped cluster buster bombs on villages harbouring terrorists. Christ would be a gunner in an Abrams tank, patrolling dusky borders and shooting anything that moved.
The next time American troops are passing by a building where Christian Peacemakers are being held hostage, they should just keep going. Let the bastards drown in puddles of their own self-righteousness. That is what Christ would do!
SOURCE: The O’Meilly Report
