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Enjoy,Merry Freakin’ Christmas 1
Okay, so, according to the rhyme, Santa knows when you’ve been bad and good, so you need to be good for goodness’ sake. See, that just makes no sense. The fact that he knows when you’ve been bad implies some kind of punishment for bad behaviour. On the other hand, we’re told to be good for its own sake, not because of the fear of punishment. Get it? The two lines negate each other. So, why, exactly, should we be good?
Listen up, Christmas song writing asshole! It’s just this kind of confusing, relativistic nonsense that drives people to Christianity in the first place! Just make up your freakin’ mind and give us certainty, okay?
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole
The Other Other Film Awards
OrcaPianoDeath II was chosen as the year’s best picture yesterday by the New York Ignorant Film Critics Circle Online.
Charles Brantlet was named best actor for The Coyote Breaks at Dawn and Keira Fazzuli was named best actor of the other gender for her role in Nose Nibblers from Mars.
The best director award went to GeorgeAnne George for The Constant Nosher. (Eating food on the fly was something of a theme for the NYIFCCO this year.) Canadian Raoul Haggard was named best second tier director for Crash Test Dummies Go Slovenian.
“The Squid and the Whale? Never heard of it,” commented NYIFCCO President Beaudelaire McFeeley, “but I find it hard to believe that it could be better than OrcaPianoDeath II.”
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
Stop Making Sense…Again…Forever…
Although some people were worried that this election would be dominated by attacks rather than position statements, all of the political parties have actually been discussing their policies. As a result, differences between them have been made quite clear.
For example, the Liberal Party is committed to attending environmental summits, agreeing to everything, actually doing nothing and bashing the Americans for not signing the resulting environmental accords. The Conservatives, on the other hand, attend environmental summits primarily to get laid, refuse to agree to anything, do nothing and support American anti-environmentalism. Although the cost to the environment is the same, how the two parties arrive at their inaction couldn’t be more different.
Or, take the issue of two tier health care. In the course of the election, New Democratic Party leader Jack Layton had to admit that an absolutist stand against private health care made no sense since some parts of the health care system are already private. Just a few days later, Conservative leader Stephen Harper vowed not to allow two tier health care in Canada. This clearly shows – what? They said – what? That’s not what they stand for! THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE! WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON?
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
Merry Freakin’ Christmas 2
Christians have complained that using phrases like “Season’s greetings” and “Happy holiday” in public is a form of politically correct tyranny. In response, Jesus, looking down from the cross, said, “Bubbelach, let me tell you a thing or two about what persecution really is…”
SOURCE: Unicycle
There Are No Virgins In Zero Gravity
MONDAY: I heard that the army is using commercial airlines to ship bodies home from Iraq. I wouldn’t want to be responsible for mixing up the destination of any of that luggage!
TUESDAY: Whenever I’m tempted to get smug about the intellectual superiority of Jewish people, I remember the pact between Orthodox Jews and Evangelical Christians to support the state of Israel, and the impulse quickly goes away.
WEDNESDAY: Disney recently announced that it planned on producing its first film in China. What about Mulan?
THURSDAY: Richard Branson’s latest venture, Virgin Galactic, will build a spaceport in New Mexico as part of its plan to send tourists into space. I suppose the advertising will feature scantily clad angels feeling each other up in zero gravity. Sounds like heaven…
FRIDAY: Does suckling marmot in a red wine sauce taste better when you know that there are only 30 left in existence? It must.
SATURDAY: Oh. Right. Mulan wasn’t made in China, it just rips off Chinese culture. So, does that mean Disney’s first movie made in China will be based on, like, Prison Break?
SUNDAY: Why is it that people who otherwise would never want to associate with Jews talk about their country as being founded on Judeo-Christian principles when they’re saying outrageous things?
SOURCE: Random Thoughts and Blood Clots Home Page
That’s An Insult To The Mice
Scientists announced yesterday that they had created mice with small amounts of human brain cells. The Bush administration isn’t sure what to do: condemn the practice or ask one of the mice to head FEMA. This isn’t as outrageous as it sounds: with only 0.1 per cent of a human brain, the mice are still more human than Vice President Dick Cheney.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
Whack A Pol
I’ve often wondered why the animals in the game Whack a Mole keep sticking their heads out of their holes when they know that all that awaits them is a big mallet. Have one too many hits to the head permanently destroyed their sense of self-preservation? Are they Panglossian optimists? Do they have sticks up their butts that leave them no choice?
I was reminded of this by David Dinkins, American ambassador to Canada, who accused Paul Martin of political opportunism for calling the US out on its stands on softwood lumber and global warming. Predictably, Dinkins’ intervention gave Martin the opening to renew his attack on American foreign policy.
Why? Why would Dinkins do it? Have one too many hits to the ego permanently destroyed his sense of self-preservation? Is he a Freudian masochist? Does he have President Bush’s hand up his butt that leaves him no choice?
Dinkins, and other ambassadors who have made the same complaint (remember the recent German election?), seem to have missed a crucial element in their own argument: foreign politicians couldn’t pander to anti-American sentiment if it didn’t exist in the populations of their countries in the first place. You have to know that when Stephen, “Sure, NRA representatives and American right wing evangelists, come to Ottawa to help me run my campaign” Harper says, “Gee, I don’t know, maybe – and I only throw this out as a hypothesis – maybe the Americans aren’t being entirely fair with this whole softwood lumber deal, just a little…” there are votes to be had in speaking out against American policies towards Canada.
Why, oh why, do the American ambassadors do it?
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
Making A Molehill Out Of A Brokeback Mountain
Brokeback Mountain looks interesting, but, being a Canadian, I don’t really have a lot of emotion invested in cowboys, gay or straight, in the 1960s. Now, if it had been a love story about gay fur trappers in the 1980s…
SOURCE: Payback