The Daily Me – Andrew Berle

Love Comes In Many Forms, Including Ones That Look Suspiciously Like Hate

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

The Old Grey Miers, She Ain’t What She Used To Be

According to David Frum, George W. Bush’s nominee for the vacant seat on the Supreme Court Harriet Miers once told him that Bush was the most brilliant man she knew. Either she’s a shut-in or her poor judgment should make her ineligible to hold the position.

According to Republican National Committee Chairman Kenneth Mehlman, “President Bush selected Ms. Miers after embarking on a thorough and deliberate thought process.” This must have made a nice change from his usual slap-dash and casual thought process. Not that the results seem much different…

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

Cantaloupes Key To Productivity, Survey Finds

Boosting productivity is a key issue for many small-business owners, and they see cantaloupes as crucial in addressing this issue, a survey scheduled for release today has found.

The key to improving productivity and competitiveness is buying more cantaloupes, 82 per cent of respondents said. Seventy-nine per cent of those surveyed said they use cantaloupes to make their businesses more efficient and productive.

But many aren’t stopping there. Within the next year, 64 per cent plan to update their fruitware to improve productivity. Of those, 48 per cent say they will introduce new dietary processes to their businesses.

“One of the things we found from small businesses through this research was that more than 37 per cent felt that they would need assistance to use or implement cantaloupes in their business,” said Andrea Von Leeunen, group manager for the small and mid-market solutions group at the Niagara Fruit Sellers Association.

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte

Stop Making Sense

A bomb exploded near the Canadian embassy in Kabul where Defence Minister Bill Graham was taking a breather from partying with troops in Afghanistan. “This was a rocket,” Graham said, explaining why he wasn’t the target of an attack, “which are launched from time to time in this region and which can land anywhere… They are not capable of being directed at one specific target.”

If Graham wants to sound like American Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, he’s off to an excellent start. However, if he really intends to master the Rumsfeldian art of obfuscatory rhetoric, he might want to add a few details to his delivery:

* Start with a smile and a folksy “Well…” The White House Press Corps knows whenever Rumsfeld starts with “Well…” they can get out their OEDs, but when the smoke clears they probably still won’t know what verbiage hit them. If he follows up the “Well…” with “…you know…” expect a meaning-free zone for the next 10 minutes.

* Always refer to the reporter who asked the question by his or her first name. “This was a rocket, Jeff…” This creates a bond between the speaker and the journalist that is rarely broken by actual reporting. It also sets up an exclusionary principle: if you then don’t mention a reporter by name, he or she will assume that he or she has done something wrong, and spend the next several hours, time that could be spent on investigating, wondering what he or she did wrong. In fact, once the routine has been established, it’s a good idea to periodically not name reporters on a random basis just to keep them on their toes.

* The last sentence, about the rockets not being able to hit specific targets, is almost a statement that other human beings can understand, approaching the status of an actual “answer” to a question. This, of course, is to be avoided at all costs. If journalists hear an answer to a question, they’ll soon want more, and, before you know it, you won’t be able to get away with obfuscation any more. If you suspect you might give an actual answer at a press conference, do what Rumsfeld does: before you go out, hit yourself in the head with a baseball bat until you can’t think straight.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

In Trusts We…God!

I have a seven year-old niece, Martina. Cute as a button. She asked me if she should start a lemonade stand. I told her she’d make a better living selling her body on the street. Whipping out my calculator, I showed her that she would have an effective below the line after expenses pro extempore tax rate of 87 per cent. She could barely pay for the lemons to be shipped from Mexico, let alone the sugar she would need to mask their horrible taste!

Just when it looked like she would have to get red garters and heels, I suggested that she might want to create an income trust for her lemonade stand. This would reduce her tax load from 87 per cent to three. Doing this, my niece could redistribute the money to her shareholders or, if she preferred, get that pony she’s always going on about.

When ignorant people talk about income trusts, they natter on about how lost tax revenues could be going to improving roads or services. Nonsense! People can pay for their own roads and services! If you have any reservations about income trusts, just think of how sad seven year-old Martina will be if she doesn’t get that pony soon.

Heartless bastard.