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Enjoy,Ti...i...i...ime Is On Their Side
Russia, China and Central Asian countries have asked the United States to set a deadline for withdrawing troops from the heart of Asia. In response, the US claimed that it did have a timetable:
2001: establish air bases in Uzbekistan and Kyrgyzstan to fight the war in Afghanistan
Two thousand and whenever the Hell we want: close the air bases in Uzbekistan and Kyrgyzstan
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
Summer Comes Early This Year
Tuesday was designated Fraser Institute Freedom Day. This is the day of the year when Canadians become fed up with the self-serving, ideologically motivated research that masquerades as honest inquiry that is produced by the Fraser Institute. Fraser Institute Freedom Day fell on January 4; as has happened in the past three years, this was the day the Institute released its first research report.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
Well, Isn't That Speci - Oh, Wait, That Came Later
What's all this I hear about people in movies who "meat cute?" Meat isn't cute! It's an important part of our diet, but it isn't cute. Cows might look cute - until you step into their poop! Do you think, maybe, they mean people are being cute when they eat their meat? Well, that's just plain wrong! Didn't anybody tell them not to play with their food? Where were their parents when they were growing up? I know food is getting strange, what with purple relishes and plaid Quaker's Oats, but cute meat is going too fa - what? WHAT? What's that? It's meet as in come together, not meat as in food?
Oh.
Never mind.
SOURCE: The Emily Litella Remembered Page
But, What If You Like Peas?
Not only has Halliburton overcharged the American government by as much as $1.4 billion on post-war reconstruction projects, but a former employee alleges that the company sent him to an Iraqi danger zone to keep him from talking to government auditors. This sets a bad example for American parents, many of whom are now telling their children, "If you don't eat your peas, young man, you're going straight to Fallujah without dessert!"
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
One More Argument For Why Science Needs Limits
A breakthrough experiment has used a human gene to change the behaviour of vicious mice into something more human. At first, they deny that they are being violent, even when they are found biting the tails of other mice. Then, they blame the mice they are attacking for provoking their attacks. Finally, they claim that the violence is abating, and that they are hopeful that peace will return to their cage very, very soon.
Although in its early stages, this experiment opens up the possibility of a gene therapy that will turn ordinary human beings into politicians.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
You Do The Math
From Jihad for Beginners, a terrorist training manual for grade school children.
7) If you are in a room with seven infidels and you kill five of them, how many are left?
12) You are 20 feet away from your target. Your target is moving towards you at two feet a second. How long should you wait before you open fire with your semi-automatic rifle?
22) There are seven members of your cell. Four are killed in a cowardly ambush at a checkpoint. How many are left?
SOURCE: Harpo's
Pack Journalism At Its Finest
She must never be forgiven for her heinous crimes, for which no amount of punishment will suffice. She has a black hole where her heart should be. She is the most vile human being walking the planet - an incarnation of pure evil.
Yet, Karla Homolka is worried that something bad will happen to her once she is released from prison. The nerve of some people!
SOURCE: The Toronto Stunned
Life, Food Liberty And The Pursuit Of Flabbiness
WASHINGTON: There can be no doubt that Macdonald's French fries are supreme among potato delicacies.
JEFFERSON: Freedom fries.
WASHINGTON: Oh, do shut up, Thomas!
LINCOLN: No, I would say that Wendy's makes a superior fried potato comestible.
WASHINGTON: How can you possibly say that? Macdonald's fries are thin and salty, as a fried potato should be.
LINCOLN: I would debate that proposition. The best fried potato edible is the cut potato, preferably with a bit of skin on it.
JEFFERSON: Fried foods increase one's risk of heart attack, diabetes and many another unpleasant malady.
LINCOLN: Oh, do shut up, Thomas!
WASHINGTON: I would gladly debate your proposition that Wendy's fried potatoes are better than Macdonald's, but, alas, I have a country to found.
LINCOLN: And, I, slaves to free.
JEFFERSON: And, I -
WASHINGTON and LINCOLN: OH, DO SHUT UP, THOMAS!
They fought for your right to die of obesity caused by eating too many fast foods. It is your patriotic duty to die of obesity by eating too many fast foods. You owe it to them.
SOURCE: The Center for Consumer Freedom
Revenue...Tears...Some People Just Know How To Open Up New Streams
Tim Hortons is unhappy that killer Karla Homolka has said that the first thing she wants to do when released from prison is get herself an iced cappuccino, worried that the claim might be bad for business.
It has opened up a new source of revenue for Homolka, however. She may now go to major Canadian corporations and ask to be paid not to endorse their products. Not saying she watches CTV could be worth $100,000, while not claiming to drive GM Canada cars could net her a cool $1,000,000.
Advertising executives are watching the situation closely, as it opens up whole new possibilities for them. "We could get Michael Jackson to not endorse milk products!" said Paula Abgull, an account executive with Doyle Bearback Stern. "Or, O. J. Simpson to stay away from golf balls. Or...or...could you imagine how much money Charles Manson would get to not endorse a whole range of products!"
Then, her head exploded.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle