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Enjoy,
Justice May Be Blind, But She Can Still Recognize A Newfie Accent
A Canadian teenager living in the US has been convicted of two charges involving a threat to blow up his school. The chemicals he owned were not flammable and nobody could directly link him to a bomb threat written on a school bathroom wall - which he actually reported to a teacher - but he was accused of being anti-American because he talked about missing Newfoundland and he came to the first day of his trial wearing an "I am Canadian" t-shirt.
Apparently, homesickness is now a terrorist activity in the United States.
For their own protection, it is recommended that foreigners living in America just nod politely when speaking in public and punctuate every second sentence with phrases like, "You're an American, so you must know what you are talking about" and "God bless the United States of America, where we are free to speak our minds. Not like other, repressive countries like...Canada." Or, better yet, just go back to where you came from.
Somewhere in the Middle East, Osama bin Laden is probably having his ass sewn back onto his body so he can laugh it off again.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
The Big Screen Gets Smaller
To the editor,
Movie theatre chain Cineplex Galaxy has bought out the Famous Players chain, and not a moment too soon! Having to choose between two competing theatre chains was too much for me, frankly, and the reason why I spent so much time at home watching my fireplace. Well, actually, a video of a fireplace on my TV, but still.
If theatres really want to do moviegoers a favour, they should cut down the number of movies they show. Just looking at the listings in my newspaper, I notice that there were at least...well, I stopped counting at three different movies playing. Too much choice! Can't decide! Get me to a fireplace! Quickly!
My therapist says a single movie playing on all of the screens in a single movie chain would be ideal. Thank you.
Moira FrinkgobletSOURCE: Glob and Maul
And, Victoria Day Is Big In Latin America - So What?
More than a few irate Blue Jays fans noticed the flag of the Dominican Republic on the team's caps for their Saint Aguilar's Day set against the Seattle Mariners. Paul "So" So, the Jay's manager of guest relations, responded to complaints by pointing out that "many of our players are Dominican."
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
Bordering On The Offensive
Gregory Depres, who boasted of being "a trained sniper with over 700 kills," was allowed to enter the United States, although border police did confiscate his sword, brass knuckles, handcuffs and blood-stained chainsaw. According to a Customs Official, "They had no reason to charge him with anything." Depres is believed to have murdered two Canadians before entering the US.
Youssouf Gandega, who wanted to go to Paris on an American flight because "It was cheaper to fly through Chicago than any Canadian cities," was not allowed to enter the United States, although he was strip-searched and fingerprinted. A Customs Official said that that while this sort of thing is uncommon, it does happen and people are sometimes left in the dark about why it happened. Gandega is not suspected of any criminal activity.
Thanks to the Department of Homeland Defence, the world is safe from discount American airlines.
SOURCE: USA Whenever
Isn't Friendly Fire Also Known As Arson?
The Army on Thursday issued a fresh denial that it attempted to cover up the friendly fire death of former pro football player Pat Tillman in Afghanistan. "We honestly believed that he died from an infected hickey," an Armed Forces spokesman explained, "and we didn't go into too much detail because we didn't want to embarrass his family."
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
Let Them Eat Morphine
The American Supreme Court has decided not to allow state-sanctioned use of marijuana for medial purposes, effectively making it illegal throughout the country. "Praise the lord," drug czar John Walters said of the ruling. "We all know that pot smokers are degenerate fruitcakes who prefer tripping out to getting a real job and contributing to their communities and society at large.
"Other than that, I hope they feel better soon."
SOURCE: High Times and Misdemeanors
I Blame Competition From Foreign Fictitious Brewery Institutes
EMPLOYMENT WANTED. Six years working with the Bud Light Institute, recently closed. Primary skills: wearing a bikini and smiling indulgently at men doing stupid things to get a beer. Secondary skills: throwing a beach volleyball at men's heads and...and that's about it, I guess. * Giggle * Giggle * Address all inquiries to Marta. Box 6969.
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
Racial...Rational...It's All Semantics Until Somebody Gets Lynched
Rational discrimination: an oxymoron popular with a bunch of occidental morons.
SOURCE: The Dust Devil's Dictionary
L. Ron Hubbard - Matchmaker
Actor Katie Holmes has announced that she is converting to the Church of Scientology, the religion of her current boyfriend, actor Tom Cruise.
"The Church does not have a plan to get all of the actresses in Hollywood to convert by becoming emotionally involved with me," Cruise commented, adding: "But, isn't that Lauren Ambrose hot?"
It's a good thing that the Church doesn't have such a plan, because studies have shown that 87 % of women who convert to Scientology because they are dating Tom Cruise convert back within a week after the end of the relationship.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
Gimme That Old Swaggart Swagger
Jimmy Swaggart commented that if a gay man "ever looks at me like that, I'm going to kill him and tell god he died" on Omni 1. The Canadian Association of Broadcasting upheld a complaint against the Toronto station, accepting the argument that gay-bashing isn't really a good way to promote multiculturalism.
Omni 1 is not required to broadcast the council's decision because, frankly, only 23 people were watching, and most of them were shut-ins who don't have control of the converter, and that's punishment enough for the station. Not to mention the shut-ins.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
Deconstruct This, Pal!
Putative pop star Michael Jackson has been acquitted on all charges of molesting children. This creates an interesting paradox: if you view images of naked children, you can get jailed for over a decade, but if you actually sleep with children you are not related to, you get free publicity for your next platinum album.
If the worms haven't gotten to it first, Jean Boudrillard is probably laughing his ass off.
SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page