The Daily Me - Joseph ¯'ïvÈúXæi³3/4A

9:00. C-SPAN. Why The Holocaust Happened.

10:00. C-SPAN. The Holocaust Didn't Happen.

11:00. C-SPAN. It Definitely Did.

12:00. C-SPAN. No Way.

1:00. C-SPAN. I'm Not Arguing With An Idiot.

2:00. C-SPAN. You Don't Have Any Proof The Holocaust Happened, Do You?

3:00. C-SPAN. I'm Outta Here. Expect A Letter From My Lawyer.

4:00. C-SPAN. Hunh. Some People Just Don't Understand The Role Of Reasoned Debate In A Democratic Society.

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide

John Tory's first address to Ontario's legislature after becoming leader of the Conservative Party included the statement: "People are frustrated by the apparent lack of any [Liberal Party] plan to deal with the deficit." In the absence of widespread public concern about the deficit, one can only assume that he was referring to his people: Bay Street brokers, tax lawyers and newspaper columnists. Of course, the provincial Tories had a plan to deal with the deficit when they created it: cover it up with shoddy accounting practices and hope nobody notices until after the election.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

Pope John Paul had a feeding tube inserted through his nose into his stomach so that he could receive liquid nourishment as his health deteriorated. In response, the American Congress passed a bill making it illegal for anybody in Vatican City to remove the tube from the Pope to allow him to die.

Meanwhile, representatives of Reverend Jerry Falwell are furious with the Pontiff for being critically ill while Falwell himself is in the hospital in critical condition with breathing problems. "It's just like John Paul to hog all the limelight," one friend of Falwell, who had the grace to not want to be named, commented. "This should have been Jerry's moment."

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

Price: $672

Time Left: 1 days
1 day listing
Ends Apr-01-05 21:00:00 PDT
Start Time: Mar-31-05 21:00:00 PDT

Quantity: 672,000

History: One day, the tape was sitting in the offices of IBM Canada, the government of Alberta's private contractor for medical information. The next day, it was gone. Who knows how such things happen? We suspect teleportation. In any case, Alberta's misfortune can now be your gain!

IBM Canada spokeweasel Mike Quinn said that this was an "isolated incident." And, discounting the disappearance of a folder containing the medical files of 111 PEI residents that happened at the same time, he is probably correct, making this a once in a lifetime offer!

Item Location: Oh, don't you worry, it's in a safe place.

Description: A tape containing the medical histories of 672,000 Albertans, including names, health card numbers, payroll numbers, premium rates and marital status. Imagine the hours of fun you and your family will have trying to guess who is really ill and who is faking it to get out of work! In fact, if you have small children, this is the perfect opportunity to get them interested in a medical career! NOTE: only bids from reputable individuals will be accepted. This item is not for sale to criminals, organized or otherwise, intent on identity theft. Nope. Uh uh. No way.

SOURCE: ehBay

Terri Schiavo is in a persistent vegetative state from which she will never recover.

"The diagnosis was premature."

No, doctors had been examining Schiavo for over seven years and had all come to the same conclusion.

"Terri showed signs of consciousness."

No. No, her actions were all automatic responses to stimuli stemming from her brainstem. Her actual brain tissue had been replaced by spinal fluid, allowing for no possibility that she was conscious in any human sense.

"There is disagreement about the doctors' diagnoses."

No, no, no. All of the doctors who actually physically examined Schiavo agree with the diagnosis. Doctors who disagree with the diagnosis didn't actually examine her, and the majority of people who disagreed about the diagnosis weren't doctors. Just as you wouldn't trust politicians or television pundits to be able to explain why you have a pain in your ankle, you cannot trust what they say about this matter.

"We must err on the side of life."

No, no, no, no! There was no error. Terri Schiavo had no human life as we understand it. Repeat after me: per-sis-tent veg-e-tat-ive state. Ne-ver re-co-ver.

"We will look at an arrogant, out of control, unaccountable judiciary that thumbed their nose at the Congress and president when given jurisdiction to hear this case anew... The time will come for the men responsible for this to answer for their behaviour..."

Oh, Tom!

"One thing that God has brought to us is Terri Schiavo, to help elevate the visibility of what is going on in America."

Uhh, that's enough, Tom.

"This is exactly the issue that is going on in America, of attacks against the conservative movement, against me and against many others."

You really don't know when to give it a rest, do you, Tom?

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles