The Daily Me - Reg Smith

Under pressure from European regulators, Microsoft has agreed to change the name of the simplified version of its Windows programme that it was required to offer to consumers as part of an anti-trust settlement. Apparently, the regulators felt "Bug-ridden Piece Of Shit Guaranteed To Crash At The Worst Times And Compromise Your Computer's Security" would deter consumers from buying the product.

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte

QUESTION: Why didn't you make fun of the Oscar announcements?

ANSWER: To make fun of something, you have to take it seriously.

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

Bush, post-election: "The propagandists have done a better job of depicting America as a hateful place, a place wanting to impose our form of government on people and our religion on people."

Bush, inauguration speech: "So it is the policy of the United States to seek and support the growth of democratic movements and institutions in every nation and culture, with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world."

SOURCE: No Comment Quotes

The other day, my daughter (the legitimate one) came to me, crying, because she had been told that girls would be forced to stop making toys for export to America, forestalling the market phase of the socialist revolution. I patted her head awkwardly and told her that the neocons in power in the United States would never knuckle under to the "fair traders," so China's sweatshop labour was secure.

She seemed satisfied, and returned to playing with her lump of coal. It got me to thinking, though, about the differences between the girls who make the dolls and the girls who play with them.

It should be clear from this cursory comparison that the American child is suffering from the evils of rampant consumerism, trapped in an ideology that will ultimately destroy all that she holds dear. The Chinese girl, on the other hand, is at the vanguard of the proletariat, a sacrifice that will be rewarded by history.

Long live the revolution!

SOURCE: Women's Wear Daily Worker

Well, the early polls in Iraq are in, and it looks like Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani will thoroughly beat Ayad Allawi, the candidate favoured by the Bush administration. Already, the White House has learned a valuable lesson from this humbling exercise in political freedom. "Fucking democracy!" grumbled Vice President Dick Cheney. "When we hold elections in Iran, we're gonna make sure the votes are counted by Diebold machines!"

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

Right to die advocate Marcel Tremblay, who suffered from chronic health problems, publicly took his own life yesterday. "This is a real case of mixed feelings for me," responded pro life advocate Father Terry Smithers. "On the one hand, I don't believe any of us have the right to take our own lives - god gave life to us as a gift, and only he can take it away. On the other hand, the more right to die advocates kill themselves, the fewer there will be to argue their case. Yep, it's a poser alright."

SOURCE: Unicycle

US Justice Department officials are trying to get a civil lawsuit filed by Canadian Mahar Arar, who was sent by the US to be tortured in Syria, dismissed. They are using the classic "We don't want to look like a bunch of overzealous, heartless buffoons" argument. In response, lawyers for Arar say he is seriously considering adding the charge of "Too late" to his complaint.

SOURCE: Glob and Maul

It's been a rough week for penises in British Columbia. In one incident, vandals attacked and, uhh, dismembered the naked statue of a man in Penticton. Meanwhile, in Vancouver, three "male appendages" were stolen out of a sex shop. One man, who refused to be named, remarked: "I'm keeping my trenchcoat buttoned until this all blows over."

SOURCE: The National Whipping Post

The cost of the Gomery investigation into possible corruption in the federal Liberal's sponsorship programme has hit $60 million, more than the annual budget of the programme and substantially more than the much smaller amount that may have been used to pay off Liberal Party cronies. What does this say about those who are dedicated to rooting out and eliminating government waste?

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

After years of exhaustive tests, scientists can now claim conclusively that the shroud of Turin is not a fake. It really is a shroud.

SOURCE: Daily Semaphore

Pauly Shore, hot off the straight to DVD release of his latest film, Pauly Shore is Dead, has been thinking about starring as Travis Bickle in the remake of Taxi Driver. "It's, like, you know, I'm trying to, uhh, darken my, uhh, image. You know?" One of the other projects that Shore is currently mulling over is the lead in The Passion of the Pauly. "It's about, like, deep emotions and religion and stuff."

SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now

Reverend Donald Wildmon, chairman of the American Family Association and television video critic, was thrown in jail last night for assaulting a muppet. "He accused me of being tolerant and respectful of others," Reverend Wildmon stated, "and I'm not going to stand for that!" The muppet cannot be named because it is under 18 years old.

SOURCE: The Non-existent Pages

American President George W. Bush announced that the United States would pull its troops from Iraq if asked to do so. In a less commented upon announcement, Bush stated that he was beginning to find much merit in the Clinton-era "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor