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Enjoy,Their Heads Are So Far Up Their Asses That Their Bodies Look Like Moebius Strips
Bodies have been disappearing in front of witnesses, leaving behind the clothing that the people wore. The Middle East is on fire. Satan walks the earth. We are clearly experiencing The Rapture.
And the Department of Homeland Defense is concerned that this will be a stumbling block in the war on terrorism. "If people spend too much time wondering about God's judgment," one Department flack commented, "they won't be spying on their neighbours to find out if they are planning terrorist attacks. Not only that, but people who are not swept up to the heavens are gonna be pretty bitter about it - a perfect breeding ground for future terrorists. I've got to say, the End Times could make our anti-terrorism efforts so much harder!"
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
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What About The Part About Great Responsibility?
Mere weeks after I appeared on Crossfire, CNN has announced that the show will probably be cancelled. Not that I want to claim any great powers in this regard, but, you know, I've been thinking I'd kind of like to appear on The O'Meilly Report...
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
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More Satire For The Hard Of Thinking
In a previous article, I wrote: "The assassination of Ali al-Haidari, the governor of Baghdad province, has put the Iraqi elections scheduled for January 30 in jeopardy. In response, President George W. Bush announced, 'I don't care if a yak is elected president, we're gonna have us an election!'"
Clearly, the President did not say this. This was a piece of writing known as satire. It used the comedic device of "exaggeration:" a politician's position (in this case, the President's insistence that an election will be held in Iraq no matter what is happening in the country) was pushed to its limit for comic effect.
Please stop sending me emails asking for the URL of the original quote.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
With A Recommendation Like That, He Should Get A Nobel Peace Prize
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
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What If The Bigger Picture Is Non-representational?
Okay, let me see if I understand this correctly. Americans are worried about some theoretical possibility that they might be killed by terrorists at home, so they go to a foreign country where they are really being killed. Is it just me? I mean, does this make sense to other people?
SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts
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Be Careful Not To Let Them Squat In The Boardroom
Problem: Ten former directors of WorldCom Inc. have settled a lawsuit alleging that they were derelict in their duties for $18 million. Good people may no longer want to sit on boards of directors if they know they may actually be held responsible for the decisions they make.
Solution: appoint homeless people to your board of directors. They are just as pliant as friends and family, and they can be bought off a whole lot less expensively, some for a handful of canapes and grape soda. And, the best part? If they're sued for their decisions, they have no assets to lose!
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
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News You Can Use...To Cure Insomnia
The Certified General Accountants of Ontario is - yaaaaawn - taking the unusual step of hiring a Washington lobbyist to fight against the Canadian Public Accountability - mrrmph yawn - sorry about that - Canadian Public Accountability Board. The Certified General...uhh, you know, claims the organization is dominated by another accounting body, the Canadian Institute of Chartered...ermm...Chartered Account...Account...mmm...ZZZZZZZZ.
SOURCE: LotsMusic
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Lesson: Never Leave A Vapour Trail
The Canadian Imperial Bank of Commerce is suing six former employees who went on to form Genuity Corporation, claiming they took confidential data with them and recruited CIBC employees. Part of their claim rests on emails between executives, such as:
From: David KassieHey, Earl,
You going to the CIBC Christmas party this year? What a drag! I'll bet John is going to do his lampshade on the head routine - doesn't he know how old that is? Tell you what: why don't you quit the company and come join Genuity? Our holiday parties are much better!
Dave
From: Earl RotmanDave,
I hear you about the parties. I'll quit right away.
Earl
Another part of the CIBC's claim, which is over 650 pages long, is made up of Blackberry messages, including:
UNNAMED EMPLOYEE (2:09:46): Tnks brble armed SexySadie27 resist rgl8...
ESTEIREIRO (2:10:44): Is that English?
Looks like the CIBC has an ironclad case, here.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
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Good To Know He's Got A Second Career In Wrestling To Fall Back On
I heard that clown Jon Tudor wants to come on my show. You wanna piece of me, punk? Any time! You got a show on a cable comedy network, buster. Your lead-in is a puppet show, for cryin' out loud! I ain't afraid of you - I'll eat you alive!
SOURCE: The O’Meilly Factor