The Daily Me - Margaret Dumont

Author, Canadian nationalist, duck lover Pierre Berton has died at the age of 84. He had been ailing for some time, but rumour has it that he held on to see if he would be named The Greatest Canadian in the CBC's poll. Relatives of Berton have denied rumours that his last words were: "Tommy Douglas? TOMMY DOUGLAS! What did he ever do for Cana - urrk!"

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us

SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines

Chilean President Ricardo Lagos admitted that torture had been state policy in the country for many years. This comes at the same time as the United States repudiated assertions by the Red Cross that torture was being used against prisoners at Guantanamo Bay. Let's think about this for a moment: the US is lagging behind Chile in its policies on torture. Chile, people! I don't think this is what my grandfather fought in World War II for.

SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor

During his visit to Canada, President Bush told New Democratic Party leader Jack Layton, "every country needs a good lefty...mine is kept in a box on a pig farm in Alaska." Longtime NDP supporters say they have never seen their leader so lost for words.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

Dust off the Cold war rhetoric, ma, the young'uns are at it again! American President George W. Bush warned Russian Premier Vladimir Putin not to interfere with the election in the Ukraine. Putin responded by telling Bush not to be so nosy...you know what happens to people who are nosy? However, before knives were pulled, Putin added that Ukrainian presidential candidate Viktor Yuschenko was actually a terrorist. President Bush said, "Oh. That's okay, then," and the two men hugged in reconciliation (not in Nebraska, as some early reports suggested).

SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler

Corporate managers could learn a lot about leadership style from the heads of the crime lab units in the popular, if fictional, CSI television series.

Gil Grissom (CSI)

LEADERSHIP STYLE: gruff but compassionate. PEOPLE STYLE: compassionate but gruff. EMOTIONAL STYLE: cold, professional, impersonal...get the idea? STYLE STYLE: drab and uninspired. COMMUNICATION STYLE: direct with no small talk. LEGACY STYLE: series will never survive without the star, so unconcerned about succession.

Horatio Caine (CSI: Miami)

LEADERSHIP STYLE: gruff but compassionate. PEOPLE STYLE: compassionate but gruff. EMOTIONAL STYLE: cold, professional, impersonal...get the idea? STYLE STYLE: drab and uninspired. COMMUNICATION STYLE: direct with no small talk. LEGACY STYLE: series will never survive without the star, so unconcerned about succession.

Mack Taylor (CSI: New York)

LEADERSHIP STYLE: gruff but compassionate. PEOPLE STYLE: compassionate but gruff. EMOTIONAL STYLE: cold, professional, impersonal...get the idea? STYLE STYLE: drab and uninspired. COMMUNICATION STYLE: direct with no small talk. LEGACY STYLE: series will never survive without the star, so unconcerned about succession.

SOURCE: The Financial Riposte

Advice for Canadians planning on attending a Presidential event:

* Come well groomed. T-shirts, buttons or other apparel with political messages other than "the President is doing a magnificent job" are impolite. Think about it this way: if somebody was a guest in your house, would you wear a t-shirt condemning them for crimes against humanity?

* Come early. Lineups of more than five people can sometimes be confused with protests, and you wouldn't, we feel sure, want to be caught dead in one of those things.

* Listen politely throughout. Comments, or even unwanted physical motions tend to distract the President, making it easy for him to lose his train of thought.

* Applaud enthusiastically when the President is done. He is insecure and appreciates it when people show him their love.

This may sound a lot like servility, but worry not - you get used to it. We have.

SOURCE: The Smoking Gut

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Are you doing anything that's uncommon and out of the ordinary? Because this is what you crave now - new learning experiences! Not, ultimately, that it matters - all sensory experience is an illusion that ends with the blackness of the grave.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

Your gonads are definitely in overdrive. Life is passionate. Of course, passion is fleeting and, although it may free you from the burden of consciousness for a time, it will not stave off inevitable decline and death. Use a condom.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

You're intrigued with partnerships right now. Work with others. Join forces to get things done. But don't be too impressed with yourself - we all die alone.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

Act on your urge to get things better organized in your life. When you're motivated to do something, it's so much easier to do. You want results for your efforts now. As it happens, it will be only the smallest bulwark against the chaos of reality, and will be easily swept away if you ease your efforts in the slightest, or, as we all must, you die. Work harder.

SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts

Two CEOs of Fortune 500 companies lie on adjacent massage tables in a spa.

"You're new here, aren't you?" CEO 1 asks.

"Yeah. My first bankruptcy," CEO 2 replies.

"I remember my first bankruptcy," CEO 1 wistfully remarks. "It's always the smallest acquisition, the one you thought would go the smoothest, that does you in."

"We had to restate earnings because of dodgy bookkeeping," CEO 2 explains, moaning, possibly due to the pleasure of the memory, possibly due to the intense pressure on his shoulder blades.

"SWEET!"

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism