The Daily Me - Maria/Mark Ondracek

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With Apologies To The Smiths

Panic

Panic on the streets of Boston
Panic on the streets of Washington
I wonder to myself
Could life ever be safe again
On the LA streets that you slipped down
I wonder to myself

Burn down the networks
Hang the blessed TV
Because the news that they constant display
Says nothing to me about my life
Burn down the networks
Hang the blessed TV
Because the news that they're constantly spraying

On the LA streets that you slipped down
Parochial towns you jogged round
Hang the TV

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered

DIY Satire: See If You Can Work In The "It's A Good Start" Punchline

Former NDP MP Svend Robinson has announced that he would like to return to practicing law, but he is encountering some resistance from the Law Society of British Columbia and other lawyers. Apparently, his unforgivable mistake was stealing from a jewelry store instead of a client.

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

Torturing The English Language Still Not A Crime - More's The Pity

* When a politician says "I do not recall being told anything" about a subject, what they really mean is: "I do not recall if there is a memo or other paper trail proving I did know about this, so I will deny any knowledge for now and deal with the paper if it ever comes to light." National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice recently took this line on the issue of torture at Abu Ghraib.

* What do you get when a moral absolutist ("We are in a war against evil, and you are either with us or against us.") becomes a moral relativist ("Does it rank up there with chopping someone's head off on television? It doesn't.")? Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld defending his knowledge of torture at Abu Ghraib a year and a half before it became public, and not acting on the information.

And, he didn't even have the grace to let his head explode.

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

Don't Have A Pilate, Man

Some of the words, and their definitions, being used by Christian teenagers:

Go all Gilgamesh on, meaning become irate. "I didn't want to go to choir practice, but my dad went all Gilgamesh on my ass."

Solomon, meaning another youngster who is pretending to be wise. "He thinks he can tell us we'll burn in Hellfire forever if we listen to Slayer - he's such a Solomon."

Temple shot, meaning destructive impulse. "Listening to Slayer is such a Temple shot."

No blamin', Haman, meaning I didn't do it, or I want to avoid responsibility for having done it. "Why does Father McGilligan keep asking who put the frog in the store of holy water? No blamin', Haman!"

My Heebs, meaning my people. "After prayer group, I'm going down to the mall to hang with my Heebs."

Rapture, meaning uncool, usually used sarcastically. "My mother won't let me wear a tube top - oh, rapture!"

SOURCE: USA Whenever

Slow Brain Veterans For Untruth

In a fit of illogic (unfortunately, there isn't a pill for that), many commentators have claimed that since Presidential hopeful John Kerry made an issue out of his Vietnam service, he was fair game to have lies and innuendo spread about it. I would argue, however, that the Republican attack pygmies would have been unleashed against the Kerry campaign regardless of what the candidate said on the campaign trail.

If Kerry had made an issue out of the sinking economic prospects for the middle class and poor, the Bush cabal would have unleashed Slow Bank Veterans for the Truth, a group of bankers who, although they hadn't been in charge of Kerry's financial institution, would have insisted that he wasn't able to balance his checkbook when he came back from Vietnam. Obviously, a man with financial troubles in his past couldn't be trusted to guide the American economy (not that anybody would be gauche enough to inquire about the President's past financial dealings...).

And, if Kerry had made an issue out of the environment, the Bush cadres would have founded Slow Bait Veterans for the Truth, a group of oil, coal and nuclear energy executives masquerading as environmentalists who, even though they themselves were major polluters, would have insisted that he fished out of season when he was a 10 year-old, and that he didn't recycle until well into his forties. Obviously, a man who didn't cultivate good environmental habits in his personal life couldn't be trusted to steward America's environment (not that anybody would be tasteless enough to inquire about the President's environmental record while actually in office...)

And, if Kerry had made an issue out of...well, you get the idea.

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies

A Country Gets The Television It Deserves

Against all expectations, the Premiers summit on health care was the third highest rated television show in Canada last week, after the finals of the World Cup of Hockey and a rerun of Corner Gas. (But, a very funny rerun of Corner Gas.) Now, with a hole to fill in its schedule owing to the National Hockey League lockout, CBC executives are considering a new show, Premiers Night in Canada.

"Sure, sure," one nameless executive stated, "one week, it could be the Premiers summit on the economy, the next week it could be the Premiers summit on the future of cities...we could get Don Cherry to do commentary...it would be fantastic. Really. It would." And, then, her head dropped onto her desk, sobbing.

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide

Fool 4 Kabul

Afghan President Hamid Karzai survived an assassination attempt when a rocket missed the helicopter that was transporting him. "This is proof that he's becoming more popular," White House spokesman Scott McLellan stated. "This is only the third attempt on his life this week!"

SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman