The Daily Me - Gerald Anonymous

TERM: Three planet overreach. DEFINITION: An unbelievably farfetched statement, a statement which strains credibility to the vapourization point. EXAMPLE: "George W. Bush being compared to Winston Churchill? Talk about a three planet overreach!"

SOURCE: The Dust Devil's Dictionary

Women I won't be sleeping with:

SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills

Another pit bull attack has New Yorkers in an uproar. Not that anybody can do anything about it - Dick Cheney insisted upon speaking at the Republican convention.

Later in the campaign, Cheney warned that "the wrong choice" on election day could lead to another terrorist attack which could be devastating to the United States. Reporters dismissed the allegation as Cheney posturing to get a promotional deal with Coca Cola should he and President Bush lose in November.

SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman

The Toronto International Film Festival should not be screening films that approve of the wanton slaughter of animals. I am speaking, of course, of Bambi, which portrays the brutal murder of an innocent deer. Not that I've actually seen the movie - I couldn't stomach such atrocities - no right-thinking person could - but it has been described to me in graphic detail, and that's enough!

Why, I have half a mind to shoot the person who programmed this film and burn down the forest he lives in! That would teach him a lesson about the value of life!

SOURCE: Toronto Startle

Father of the Pride. Larry savages Roy while in the middle of a Vietnam flashback. Cheryl Hines savages Jeffrey Katzenberg for getting her involved in this mess. Everybody savages NBC for not putting the show down. Hilarity ensues.

SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide

Just Released: The Passion of the Christ, PG rated version. The film is 7 minutes and 37 seconds long. It contains: Jews talking trash in the temple; the last supper; Jews demanding that Pilate kill Christ; Jewish children transforming into demons, and; Jesus' resurrection.

"This film is not anti-Jewish," director Mel Gibson insisted, "because we didn't portray Jews actually eating the flesh of Christ." Oh, great. Expect The Passion of the Christ: Jewish Flesh-eating Zombies Edition any day now.

SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now

The death toll in the horrific attack on a school in Beslan, Russia could be as high as 300. The monsters who took 1,000 people hostage had no compunction about shooting children as they were fleeing and exploding bombs that blew innocent young bodies to a million bloody pieces.

On pages seven and eight of the news section you will find pictures of the carnage. We have exclusive images of rooms full of body bags, but we think you'll really want to pay close attention to the full colour photographs of grief-stricken parents kneeling over motionless little bodies covered in blood!

SOURCE: The Glob and Maul

DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I'm a mid-level country that lives next to a giant - I don't want to name it because you'd probably be able to guess who it is. I've given it flowers. I've given it champagne. I've taken it out for candlelit dinners. I've even hired Mariachi bands to play under its window. And, it still refuses to lift a ban on the export of my cattle. What is a poor mid-level nation supposed to do?

Outre in Ottawa

DEAR HEART: Sounds like you know how to put the fun back into dysfunctional. Your friend doesn't sound coy - it sounds like it really doesn't care about you. Forget your crazy dreams and find yourself a country that will appreciate you for who you are - I'm no matchmaker, but have you considered looking at the European Union? I hear there are some fine countries there aching for North American connections.

Missed Manners

SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles

Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani said in his speech to the Republican National Convention that: "In any plan to destroy global terrorism, removing Saddam Hussein needed to be accomplished. He was himself a weapon of mass destruction." Obviously, Giuliani had fallen to sleep the night before while reading issue 237 of Radioactive Man - that was the issue where an evil genius set off a nuclear reaction in RM's stomach. It was an honest mistake - anybody could have made it.

In his speech, President Bush pushed his theme of being at war with terrorists. "They hate our democracy," he said. "They hate the idea that every citizen has a right to choose his or her leader in a free and open election. They are shadowy back alley operatives who will stop at nothing to ensure that November's elections do not go smoothly. And, these are just my GOP advisers!"

SOURCE: The Postington Wash

Yesterday, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge refuted the allegation that heightened terror alerts were issued to distract the attention of Americans from bad news about the war in Iraq. "There's always bad news about the war in Iraq," Ridge stated, "it's not like we can avoid issuing alerts after it, can we?"

SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page

Toronto Police Chief Julian Fantino stated that "the criminal justice system is broken" when he found out that two violent offenders held at Kitchener's Grand Valley Institution for Women were treated to a luxurious day at the spa.

Clearly, when his job as police chief is over, Fantino has no plans to be a cruise director.

Missing: Fundamentalist Christian far right wing of the Republican Party. Last seen front and centre in the GOP's decision-making structure. Went missing just before the Republican National Convention. If found, don't notify anybody until after November.

SOURCE: The Non-existent Pages

Students are rebelling against a Manitoba law that would ban all-you-can-drink promotions or contests involving alcohol consumption at bars.

"This is a time-honoured part of going to university," one student, "Bill," stated. "If I wanted not to drink, I would have stayed at home.

"Besides," Bill added, "all this is going to do is drive excessive drinking out of public places and into dorms and...mmm...dorm party. Excuse me, I gotta go take care of something."

SOURCE: Toronto Stunned