Thank you, Cortez the Cuddler, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we learned that Ben Affleck and public appearances don't mix. Attending the Grammies, he looked like he was an undertaker waiting for a family to decide which discount coffin they were going to bury their beloved husband and father in; you could almost see a thought bubble over his head featuring the words, "What an unrewarding chore this is!" Social media had a field day with the image (in between field days with a hamster that ate a man's moustache and Marjorie Taylor Greene's latest tweet) because of course it did. Still. You can make fun of that look all you want, but it does capture the way a lot of us feel about the state of the world today. Ben Affleck: avatar of disaffected ennui. Who would have thought it?
Enjoy,This Indecision's Killing All Of Us
Toronto Mayor John Tory's new theme song:SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=387467]
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The Name Of The Bill Sounds Better In The Original Klingon
THIS WEEK IN DEMAGOGUERY
Protests have broken out all over Israel about the Netanyahu government's plan to pass an "It's legal if the Prime Minister does it" law. "This is ridiculous," Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said, looked at the tens of thousands of protesters outside the Knesset. "It's not about special treatment for me. Anybody can grow up to become Prime Minister of Israel. Really, it's about the children..."
Like the Palestinian children who have to deal increasingly with violence from rogue Jewish settlers on their land?
Prime Minister Netanyahus eyes narrowed. "You know," he warned, "it's not too late to revise the laws on press freedom..."
Meanwhile, former Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi said that Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy was to blame for the war in - why the hell does anybody pay attention to this washed up putz? My great-grandmother Boris has a better grasp of international politics than he does, and she's been dead for almost 40 years!
SOURCE: Disassociated Press
[http://www.bltdaily.com/]
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Finally, You've Asked A Question That A Lot Of People Would Like To See Answered!
Look. Just because a suspected Chinese spy balloon was shot down over Manitario - or whatever they're calling their provinces these days - doesn't mean that Canada isn't run by a Marxist dictatorship. Dictatorships are notoriously sloppy. Somebody in the Ministry of Bad Policies probably got high - maybe they had just been to New York because, you know, you can't walk a city block there without smelling weed - that's what happens when you welcome illegal immigrants from Texas and Florida with open arms instead of letting them die wandering the desert like a bad comic strip whose creator has run out of ideas, like the Biden administration responding to last minute's mass shooting by a five year-old to limit who can own an AR-15 - they're coming after your guns, people! And...your grandchildren's guns, too, by the looks of it. Things are crazy, out there. We know they are. We need to go back to a time when blue M&Ms were men and green M&Ms were women and everybody knew the diffe - what the hell am I talking about‽
SOURCE: Turducken Carlson This Late Afternoon
[https://www.fixed.com/turducken-carlson-this-late-afternoon/]
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There Are No Takebacksies In Baseball!
These days, Ontario Premier Doug Ford is the definition of mixed emotions.
On the one hand, the surprise resignation of Toronto Mayor John Tory has diverted attention from last week's news that the premier had shared a dance with developers at his daughter's wedding. "I will always be grateful," Premier Ford stated, "that Mayor Tory distracted the press long enough for questions about my Greenbelt to Greybelt plan could blow over."
On the other hand, Tory could be replaced by a more progressive politician. "But...but...but, my beautiful 'strong Mayor' plan!" Ford huffed. "I didn't mean for this to happen! Rob, what should I do‽ Takebacksies! Takebacksies! Takebacksies! Takebacksies!"
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1788591831818&call_pageid=978335278498&col=978666972158]
Hiring Looks Like A Sweet Heart Deal To Me
A Pennsylvania confectionary factory has been fined for an incident in which two workers fell into a vat of chocolate. But honestly, they should never have hired people like Augustus Gloop and Violet Beauregarde - the company's HR department needs a serious overhaul!
SOURCE: Ukrainian Foodies
[http://www.foodies.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%3Flistings%3Findex%3Easp%2F®Mode=0]
As Richard Nixon Prophetically Proclaimed: It Isn't Bullying If The President Does It
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Somebody Give Us Relief From Government Relief!
Some of Canada's biggest corporations received COVID funds from the Canadian Emergency Wage Subsidy, but, instead of using them to retain employees, they used the money on stock dividends, stock buybacks and taking over other companies. In short, they ripped off the Canadian government in the midst of a dire crisis.
But Canadians for Tax Fairness is a pro-business group so, as far as we're concerned, this is just business doing what business does: maximizing shareholder value. If anybody is to blame for the government being ripped off, it's the Liberal government of Justin Trudeau. If it wasn't in such a rush to help people, there would have been no program for business to take advantage of!
SOURCE: Festerin' Report
[http://www.ax2grindnet.com/festerinreport/web/feature2222222222.html]
He Wanted To Star In A Luis Bunuel Film, But He Had To Go With The Living Director
Okay, I know it's unpopular, but somebody has to ask: why does Matt Gaetz look like the star of Eraserhead? Is the House of Representatives being directed by David Lynch? Could George Santos be the comic relief in this scenario? If so, why isn't anybody laughing?
SOURCE: The Hill You Die On
[https://thehillyoudieon.com/homenews/administration/448838-representative-wants-to-star-in-hell-hill-llc]