Thank you, Barbelly Granatstein, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we would like you to know that we raised our share of heck when we were younger. Whether it was putting frog guts in Lindy-Lou's hair in biology class or unleashing the full power of Mentos in soda on an unsuspecting cafeteria, we knew how to get a reaction from squares.
But, the younger generation today are something else! Like that 18 year-old in Hamilton who gave her manager a phony doctor's note saying she had COVID-19 to get out of a shift at McDonald's! They had to shut down the restaurant and put all of the people who worked there in self-quarantine! Now, that is a reaction! The worst that ever happened after our pranks was that we had to apologize to Lindy-Lou and scrub the cafeteria ceiling.
Respect.
Enjoy,If Only There Had Been Somebody In The Industry Who Could Have Seen This Coming!
NOTE TO READERS: To allow us to focus on reporting the news, some aspects of putting together a newspaper take place a couple of weeks in advance. This is the case with horoscopes. As a result, you may notice in the next couple of weeks that they reflect a different reality than the one we are currently living through.
Aries (March 20 to April 21)
You do not always show affection to the ones you love. Be sure to hug everybody you love, long and often to make up for all the times you should have but didn't.
Taurus (April 22 to May 20)
Life has been hard on you, lately. Time for some retail therapy! But, make sure you don't settle on just any old bauble - go through every store you have to ensure that you get exactly what will make you happiest.
Gemini (May 21 to June 21)
You've been on an emotional roller coaster lately. Now is the ideal time to stay inside and read a good book.
Cancer (June 22 to July 22)
You've been cooped up in the house long enough. Stop being such an introvert! Time to get out there and party with your friends.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle<.p>
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088594431813
&call_pageid=968388278492&col=968668872154]
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Too Bad Retroactive Other-Quarantining Isn't A Thing...
British Prime Minister Boris Johnson and two government officials, including the Health Secretary, have tested positive for the coronavirus. This makes him the highest government official to have contracted COVID-19. Well, the highest willing to admit it, in any case.
“Blimey," Johnson is reported to have said from his private hospital room. “Who would have thought that our original position of letting the old and infirm die of the disease would have such dire consequences?"
When he heard what had happened, American President Donald Trump said, “What a moron! Doesn't he know that you should never be in a large group in a small enclosed space and never, never, never shake hands with people, especially people who have come from out of the country, especially when they have come from places where the disease is prevalent?"
After a couple of seconds of stunned silence, President Trump added: “What?"
SOURCE: The Smarmian
[http://www.thesmarmian.com/world/2020/mar/28/johnson-needs-isolation]
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At the age of 81, The Gambler, Kenny Rogers, has had to permanently fold 'em. He left the game of natural causes.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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There Is Need, There Is Dire Need, And Then There Is Having To Breath Through A Jock Strap...
International Dartagnan Cups, a company in Blainville, Quebec which produces protective equipment for hockey players, had to shut down when the National Hockey League announced an end to its season because of the coronavirus. In a bid to save its business, it has offered to retool its assembly line in order to produce masks for the health care industry.
Oddly enough, nobody has taken the company up on the offer.
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml.htm#59738233679]
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This Is An Experience Beyond Human Kenney
Alberta Premier Jason Kenney is considering a joint oil strategy with the United States. Is his aim to protect the oil patch from the “predatory dumping" of crude oil on North American markets by Saudi Arabia?
“Are you serious?" Kenney stated. “My aim is to protect the oil patch from the predatory environmentalists in Ottawa!"
SOURCE: Festerin' Report
[http://www.ax2grindnet.com/festerinreport/web/feature222222.html]
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Love Is A Many Splintered Thing
It's a dangerous time to be a journalist.
When ABC News' Jonathan Karl pressed President Donald Trump on whether or not everybody suffering from the coronavirus who needed one would be given a ventilator, the President responded, “Look, don't be a cutie pie, okay?"
Karl's credibility with ABC News viewers plummeted. “He's too cuddly to be a credible journalist," viewer Margaret Armadillo explained.
On the other hand, Karl's StupidCupid rating went from 37% interested to 76% interested, so it wasn't a total loss.
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/majunder-suresh1.html]
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Thou Shalt Not COVID Thy Neighbour's Wife
And, lo, the Lord, your God did send a plague unto the world to punish it for the sin of promoting homosexual behaviour. And businesses were closed. And economies were sent to the brink of collapse. And death and destruction were everywhere. And the Lord, Your God looked upon his work. And, it was good.
And, it came to pass that two men in the town of Kennebecasis in the land of Canada, upon return from a vacation abroad, did wilfully and with malice of forethought cough on their neighbours rather than self-isolate. And, they were arrested for assault. However, the Lord, your God, looked with kindness upon their actions, for, verily, they were doing His work. And, they were blessed.
And, it came to pass that a man in Toronto, also in the land of Canada, attempted to sell home testing kits for the plague by mail to Americans, even though they were outlawed by the Pharoah because they were not effective. And, he was arrested and charged with a serious crime. And, the Lord, your God, looked upon him with favour. People would go about their lives as if nothing was wrong if they had a test telling them they did not have the plague, even if the test could not be replied upon. The man was doing the work of the Lord, your God. And he was blessed.
And, lo, the Lord, your God looked upon the work of his followers in promoting His plague. And, it was good.
SOURCE: The Bible - The Continuing Story
[http://www.thenewestnewtestament.com/the_further_teachings_of_jesus/on_plague/lk09_37a.html]
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