Thank you, Val Halla, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we noticed that it has become acceptable in publishing to combine the two words "any more" into one, "anymore." That was the final straw (not the finalstraw) - we've had it. The world is changing too fast! If you can't trust words to remain the same, how can you expect people or institutions to remain thesa - cut it out! We meanit - this has gone toofar! Stopit! Stopit rightnow! This isgetting completely outofhand! It's totallyunacceptable! Oh, now you'vegone toofar! Stopitrightnow!
Fiiiiiiine! Be thatway. But, we stillhate bunny rabbits, sunsets, and the Oxford comma!
Enjoy,Oh, The Electronic Humanity!
Emergency message to Ontario residents: "COVID-19 is. Upon us. The time. To panic. Is NOW. Buy more. Than you need. Especially. Toilet paper. And cat food. Fight with. Your loved ones. Watch too. Much news on. Television. Fight more. With your. Loved ones. Go online. And fight with. Somebody there. Panic now. Avoid. The. Rush."
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108096382861023470563-7946374864826327230173072840-473418378150637420952-3794147940736139500-03cahs01.html]
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Fun So Loosely Defined You Really Need A Belt To Hold It Up
Ultra-Orthodox Jews in Bnei Brak were told by their religious leaders to ignore orders to please stay at home in the face of the coronavirus. As a result of them going about their shopping and work as if nothing was wrong, experts estimate that as much as 40 per cent of residents of the city may already be infected with the deadly disease.
This seems fair. Why should Christian American religious extremists have all the fun?
SOURCE: The Arad Post
[http://www.apost.com/servlet/Satellite?pagename=APost/APArticle/ShowFull&cid=1393001598755]
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Some People Have Just The Worst Timing!
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1376533038]
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Mouldy Face Masks Can Always Be Used For...Making Mould Soup?
When you're stuck at home because leaving your house could kill you, you have to settle. Boy, oh boy, do you have to settle!
YOU WANT: The federal government to use the Defence Procurement Act to order companies to switch over from their normal business to making masks, ventilators and other equipment so that when the wave of illness crests, hospitals will be prepared to deal with it.
YOU'LL SETTLE FOR: The federal government directing existing stockpiles of medical equipment to the areas that are hardest hit by the illness to mitigate the worst of it, possibly moving the equipment from hot spot to hot spot as the illness crests in different parts of the country.
YOU'LL GET: The Federal government selling medical equipment to the highest bidder (sometimes not even in the country), directing some of the medical equipment to states that helped elect the President, with everybody else getting old equipment that hasn't been maintained or is past it best by date.
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
[http://www.chocoyummies.net/]
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Many people have asked if it's okay to joke about the coronavirus on April 1. The obvious answer is: peanut butter corgi interpolation dancers.
SOURCE: Titters Comedy Club
[http://www.titters.com/info/TittersClubs/ElginClub/elgNowAppearing.cfm]
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Today's episode rambled. It made no sense. It was internally contradictory. Yet, it got better ratings than The Bachelor. It's times like these that I realize that I really understand nothing about the television industry.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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High Nunes
Is there anything sadder than somebody who keeps putting out the message after the message has changed? Yes. Republican attack poodle Representative Devin "Midnight Run" Nunes.
In the real world, political representatives exist to protect the welfare of the people. All of the people. During World War II, for example, FDR did not say that he would protect only Democrats against America's Axis enemies.
In the Basket of Deplorables, by way of contrast, political representatives exist to protect the welfare of large corporations. They are willing to sacrifice people, including their own voters, to keep profits high and the economy humming.
Send young people back to school, where many will catch the deadly COVID-19 virus? Nunes must have taken the Biblical injunction to "suffer the children" a little too much to heart. Or, maybe he had a horrible childhood himself and turned out just fine, so he thinks a little coronavirus will teach the younger generation an important lesson. Like, survival.
Nunes was talking about getting people back to work after President Trump had admitted that 100,000 to 200,000 Americans could die from the coronavirus. Perhaps he didn't get the memo. Perhaps he thinks he's a spy, and he ate the memo (in which case, he's a bad spy, not having read it first). Maybe he's just a horrible human being.
I mean, look at where he chooses to live.
SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/218^.htm]
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Does That Service Notification Sound Rehearsed?
Umm, yeah, so, we know that people who are stuck at home are spending a lot more time looking for love online, and dating sites like Gadzoosk can expect a lot more traffic. But, like, come on! You've already melted down three servers! And, the fourth? We...we're having trouble getting it up.
We'll be servicing our regular customers until the quarantine is over. As for the rest of you - thanks so much for your interest. We're flattered, really, we are. But, we're just not in a place where we can reciprocate.
It's not you, it's us. No, really. It's us.
SOURCE: Gadzoosk
[https://www.gadzookzoosk.com/mkt/profile12345-675]
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That's Why I Try Not To Think About It
In response to the social isolation governments are recommending to combat the spread of the deadly coronavirus, the city of Newmarket has appointed Jamie Boyle as its first "Chief Positivity Officer." His goal is to coordinate the use of social media to spread "positivity, happiness and humour."
This could catch on. Toronto, for example, could appoint somebody to be a "Chief Superiority Officer;" they would spread a message of "superiority, smugness and ill-will." New York is considering the creation of a "Chief Waddya You Lookin' At? Officer" to use social media to relay messages of "attitude, attitude and more attitude."
When you think about it, the possibilities are endless.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
[http://www.now&thentoronto.com/news/story.cfm?content=327794]
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