Thank you, Xiao Tammera, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Readers have asked us who the people behind The Daily Me are. And, when we say readers have asked us, we mean, of course, that our staff has been bitching incessantly for months about toiling in obscurity. So, to better serve our readers by getting our staff off management’s back, we’d like to take you behind the scenes at The Daily Me to meet some of the colourful characters behind the news.
Duane McMantalban, for instance, a headline writer responsible for verbs. This is ironic when you consider that McMantalban sits in front of her computer for eight hours a day, barely moving. Hours can sometimes pass before she types out a single action word. Seriously. We’ve had the coroner in the office three times in the past week alone because we couldn’t believe that anybody living could show so little movement. And, uhh, she collects porcelain figurines of the battle of Thermopylae.
Enjoy,When Considering Friends, It Pays To Be Jewsy
Need a new accessory for the fall season? Why not try Jews? Because they have been dispersed throughout the world, Jews come in a wide variety of colours – you’re sure to find one to suit whatever you’re wearing this evening! You can pick and choose from a variety of beliefs that are not your own, and, best of all, they won’t demand years of attention and devotion like starving third world children.
How can I, who don’t know the difference between mazel tov and tough love, accessorize with a Jew? Simply go to the nearest synagogue (Jewish church) and pretend you care about what’s happening there. You’ll have a Jew hanging off your arm in no time!
Jews. Madonna wears them. Now, you can, too!
SOURCE: Fashion Crimes TV
[http://www.fctv.com/home/default.asp]
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What Laws Do Authors Get To Write? Arctic Wildlife Preservation Laws? Gee, Thanks.
Bell Canada and Telus Communications financed a report on telecommunications policy that one of the report’s authors used as the basis for writing legislation to amend the Communications Act. And, who better, we say.
Of course, by this reasoning, we should allow alcoholics to rewrite driving while under the influence laws. Who better? And, of course, you want gun manufacturers to draft laws on violent crimes committed with firearms. Who better? The logic is unassailable.
SOURCE: Business Law Daily
[http://biz.mcferber.biz/pubs/BLD/login]
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So Are Hemorrhoids, But How Often Does CNN Devote A Day To Coverage Of THEM?
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Sex Pistols Shoot Blanks
Punk rock icons the Sex Pistols have announced that the surviving members will unite for a concert to celebrate the 30th anniversary of the release of their seminal album Never Mind the Bollocks. And, I thought, haven’t they had the bad grace to die a horrible death, yet?
SOURCE: LotsMusic
[http://www.lotsmusic.com/news/?thedate=9/18/2007#1]
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If You Need The Book, Nothing Can Help You
Faking It: How To Seem Like a Better Person Without Actually Improving YourselfHmm…it has words put together in groupings that approximate sentences. And, yet, it doesn’t actually make sense.
…
…
What, I need to write more? But, I thought – gee, this faking it is harder than I expected. If only there was a book that could help me…
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.41.37/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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Karzai For The State Guy
AFGHAN PRESIDENT HAMID KARZAI: If Canada withdraws its troops from my country, it will fall back into anarchy.
JOURNALIST: You mean, you’ll be driven out of power.
KARZAI: Same thing.
JOURNALIST: The Taliban are already resurging despite the presence of foreign troops, and poppy growth is booming. Large swaths of territory are controlled by warlords. Isn’t the country already falling into anarchy?
KARZAI: Don’t be such an alarmist!
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/hamidsid.shtml]
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Marshall McLuhan Must Be Laughing His Ass Off
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1673522788]
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While It Is Folly To Read Too Much Into Any By-election, We Intend To Do Just That
Q: Who lost in the three recent federal by-elections in Quebec?
A: The Liberals lost because their stronghold of Outremont fell to another party. The Conservatives lost because they were a distant fourth in the same riding. The Bloc Quebecois, although it held Saint-Hyacinthe, had less support in all three ridings. The New Democratic Party, even though it won Outremont, lost because journalists were so busy focusing on why the other parties lost, they didn’t give any attention to why the NDP won.
Q: Who won?
A: Political pundits throughout the country, who were supplied with enough material to keep them punditing for days.
SOURCE: Politics for Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=510&dir=bb]
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Most Plausible Explanation To Date
Senator Larry Craig, who was caught gayly tapping his toes in a Minneapolis airport bathroom stall, is now claiming that it wasn’t him at all, but actor Daniel Craig, best known as the new James Bond.
When asked why he pleaded guilty to sexual misconduct charges if he wasn’t the perpetrator, Craig claimed that he was in the midst of an identity crisis, and he didn’t know if he was James Bond, Barry Bonds, Beulah Bondi or the Easter bunny.
Prosecutors are considering adding assault on reason to the list of charges against Craig. Whichever Craig he may turn out to be.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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To Tuck It In At Night And Tell It Heartwarming Bedtime Stories About How Brave It Is To Hang Canadian Soldiers Out To Dry?
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1676539688]
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Compromise Is Harrrrd, Matey
We have to admit that, here at the Girls With Eyepatches Web site, we are torn by Talk Like a Pirate Day. On the one hand, we have been trying to get across the message that girls with eyepatches are sexy in their own right, and that they have nothing to do with parrots, peg legs or old men who say “Arrr, matey” a lot.
On the other, we have to recognize that we get more traffic on Talk Like a Pirate Day than on any other day of the year. By far. Like, 10 times the amount. So, okay, you might hear us occasionally saying “Arrr matey” on this day. Just, please understand if our hearts don’t seem to be in it.
SOURCE: Girls With Eyepatches
[http://www.girlswitheyepatches.com]
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