Thank you, Lilliana Sherwood-Messer, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Have you ever tried to use a laser printer to put your corporate logo on the side of an elephant? Take it from us – don’t.
Enjoy,I’M Out By ’09, So Bite Me, Bush Replies
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1539533226]
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The Fact That The Study Was Published As A Graphic Novel Helps
Fears that corporate Canada is being “hollowed out” are unfounded according to the results of a study by the C. D. Howe Institute. The study compared foreign ownership of Canadian businesses to foreign ownership of businesses in the online game Second Life. Since all of the businesses in Second Life are owned by people who live in the real world, Canada looked really, really good by comparison.
“Some people may feel the comparison is inappropriate,” said authors Jack Mintz and Andrey Tarasov in the introduction to the study. “However, since they aren’t newspaper journalists, we feel confident that our conclusions will go unchallenged by anybody who will write something about the study that has any chance of actually getting read.”
SOURCE: The Financial Riposte
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/financialriposte/story.html?id=49ddccd7-f7f4-4f4f-8f14-a2eb4cc6a528]
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Watch Them NOT Watching You
What the leaders at the Three Amigos Summit are watching: Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper likes to watch the protestors a mile away with the sound off so he listen to them spouting gibberish in high, squeaky voices. American President Bush takes control of the remote so that he can watch World Wrestling Entertainment, unaware that it’s a closed circuit set. Meanwhile, Mexican President Felipe Calderon dreams of watching Give Me Back My Life, You Swine, a Brazilian soap opera, but nobody is willing to give him the remote.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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Sounds Goodawful To Me
A deep voice on the radio says, “gooder. That’s right, I said gooder.” People start using the word gooder because they’re afraid that if they don’t the deep voiced man on the radio will come to their homes and beat them senseless with a Foreman grill. Eventually, writers, recognizing that the word is increasingly being used by common people, start using it in novels, journalism and, inevitably, greeting cards.
Eventually, another deep voice comes on the radio and says, “gooderiffic. That’s right. I said gooderiffic,” and the whole process starts over again.
This is how language evolves.
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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Could They Have Been Talking About A WWII Flight Sim? Tell Me They Were Talking About A Talking WWII Flight Sim!
The National Football League wishes it to be known that: “We totally condemn the conduct outlined in the charges” of running a dogfighting ring to which Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick has pleaded guilty. “But, to be fair, it’s not like Vick ripped the throats of the dead dogs out with his own teeth. Not that we know of, anyway.”
Fans are now wondering if Vick will name other football players who were involved in gambling on the dogfights. Those who know him are certain that he will not. “Mike may be hooked on watching animals tear each other apart,” one of them said, “but he’s no rat.”
SOURCE: The Schwartz Sports Report
[http://www.schwartzsportsreport.com/ssr-news.shtml#56648129565]
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I Know The Network Is Hard Up For Viewers, But…
3pm. PBS. Arthur. Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) chases Buster over rooftops while Brain tries to figure out who he is and why he is intent on killing people in the show. Educational hilarity ensues.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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If There Was Any More Regret In His Voice, He Would Be Practically Giddy
The Canadian Prime Minister signed the agreement ceding control over the country’s territory to the United States yesterday, effectively ending the existence of Canada as a sovereign nation.
“Wow. We were really off base about free trade’s effect on political sovereignty,” commented Canadian Business Council (CBC2) President Dennis Schamoulian. “Completely wrong, in fact.
“Oh, well.”
SOURCE: Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=323227771314646524687fx]
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This Is Why You Always Check The Web First
Landmark, a California-based self-help group descended from Werner Erhardt’s EST, held a 90 minute session at the Conservative Leadership Foundation conference, a major Conservative youth meeting. The group emphasizes on its Web site that “dozens of psychiatrists, psychologists, clergy members, and other professionals…have concluded that Landmark’s programs are not psychological, cult-like, religious, or sociological in nature.”
How disappointed Conservative organizers of the conference must have been!
SOURCE: The Quick and the Detwiler
http://quick&detwiler.blogspot.com/
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Sux 2 B Her
According to the Globe and Mail, “Gertrude Barron got sick – and world markets followed. Unable to pay her medical bills, she borrowed money from a local broker, helping to set in motion a chain of events that has left few investors untouched.”
Now, thanks to the intrepid reporting of the Globe, we know exactly who to blame for the loss of billions of dollars in world stock markets: Gertrude Barron! Without the Globe, millions of Canadians might have thought the problem was greedy lending institutions that would give money to anybody with a pulse no matter how unlikely they were to pay it back because the loan would temporarily make their bottom lines look better. How wrong they would have been! The panic was started by an elderly woman who, without a single thought about the consequences, selfishly wanted medical care!
I hope Gertrude Barron is satisfied.
SOURCE: Wryerson Journalism Review
[http://www.wryerson.ca/wrj/online/seagal-eleniak1.html]
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Think Of It As A Sandbox Game Without The Box
Where In Iraq is Abu Omar al-Baghdadi? (Moribund Software)
I thought for sure that the name (al-Baghdadi? Really?) kind of gave the game away, but I spent over 200 hours searching throughout Baghdad without finding the Al Qaeda in Mesopotamia leader. I was about to believe the persistent intel that he didn’t exist, that he was, in fact, created to make the Iraqi insurgents look more organized than they actually are, when a rumour came into headquarters that he was spotted in Fallujah. Oh, well. Gamers have lots of time to kill – that’s why we’re gamers, right?
This is a tough game. If it isn’t impossible.
SOURCE: Gamer Boiz Mag
[http://boiswillbe.com#ipo_article=6]
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Will The Eastern Bastards Ever Be Less…Bastardly?
Ontario Premier Dalton McGuinty: “The provinces need to come to an agreement on how to deal with global climate change.”
Albert Premier Ed Stelmach: “Let the eastern bastards choke in the park.”
At least they’re talking.
SOURCE: Festerin’ Report
[http://www.ax2grindnet.com/festerinreport/web/news2.html]
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