Thank you, Kim Jong-Pil, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, the 97 cats we keep in the office (Matilda, the 107 year old copy editor, insists) coughed up furballs at the same time. It was a veritable sea of hacked up hairiness. We had to call in Greenpeace to deal with the environmental risks. We may never recover from the horror, not to mention the toxins…
Enjoy,Plan F Is Unconditional Surrender
Now that the surge in Iraq has proven to have less of that surgey goodness than the Bush administration promised, it’s time for Plan B. What? You didn’t think there was a Plan B? Of course there’s a Plan B. Granted, it seems to be even more insane than Plan A, but at least we have one.
The United States plans on giving weapons to Sunni Arab groups. Now, the insane bit is that we’ve been fighting them for years. But, the administration is hopeful that this will help turn the tide of the war because these are moderate Sunnis who will only use the weapons against other Sunnis who are members of Al Qaeda. How do we know they won’t turn the weapons we give them against us? Because they promised.
There might be a deeper strategy at work here. The problem with fighting an insurgency is that none of the usual rules of combat apply. If we help the insurgents become a regular army, however, then we know how to defeat them. So, after we give them sophisticated weapons, we will have to train them on how to develop effective battle units. And, if this doesn’t work, Plan C is to give them aircraft carriers and tanks.
I can hear the battle cry in the Pentagon now: “Quick! Give the insurgents the F-14s! They can’t possibly win now!”
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, With Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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Congratulations! It’s A Buoy!
You did it! Whether pink or blueSOURCE: Poetry, Cornered
[http://www.cibc.com/ca/personal/poetrycorner/199.html]
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World Class Inferiority Complex
In the 1930s, the American military drew up and debated a plan to invade Canada. Part of the plan was to bomb Halifax, Montreal, Quebec City and Vancouver. Halifax, Montreal, Quebec City and Vancouver. What’s wrong with this list?
Toronto’s not on it, that’s what’s wrong with this list! Wasn’t Toronto a big enough imaginary threat to the US that it deserved to be bombed? Okay, it may not have exactly been a financial powerhouse at the time, but it was the slaughterhouse and meat packing centre of the country, and that should have counted for a lot!
One can only hope that Toronto, which, I would like to point is, is the largest city in Canada, is targeted for bombing in current plans to invade the country.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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Okay, I Loved You When You Were 64, Now Bugger Off
Sir Paul McCartney just turned 65. You know what this means…one of the richest entertainers in the world is now eligible for the seniors’ discount at Denny’s.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2007/2007/06/18/the cuteonenotsomuchanymore/]
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Because Technological Discoveries Won’t Succeed If You Don’t Have A Dozen People To Fill Out The Paperwork
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1676544022]
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Timex Is Not On His Side
Price: $10,000.99
Time Left: 1 daysQuantity: One of a kind.
History: One second, it was on the President’s wrist. The next second: nothing! Come on, you’ve seen the video on YouTube. Do you really believe Tony Snow when he says the watch “slipped off” and the President “put it in his pocket?” Of course you don’t! You buy things on ehBay – you know the value of skepticism!
Item Location: In a safe place in Albania, I assure you.
Description: It’s a watch. You can get it on any street corner in New York for $5.99. It has a face and two hands and some inner working things. So, what’s the big deal? This watch was worn by A PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. Don’t believe us? Find some DNA on the back and CHECK FOR YOURSELF! Not only was it worn by the President, but having the watch stolen off his wrist by a supposedly fawning crowd in some obscure country was the last humiliation the man underwent before he imploded! This isn’t just a watch – it’s history!
SOURCE: ehBay
[http://cgi.ehbay.ca/ws/ehBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=219&item=6113929566&rd=1]
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The Fickle Finger Of Fate Points Where It Will
SOURCE: Politics for Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=500&dir=bb]
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The Day All Good Union Stewards Dream Of
The three Detroit automakers plan to seek unprecedented concessions from their senior executives in contract talks this summer, arguing they will be forced to shift corporate head offices to other countries if they can’t lower management costs to competitive levels.
General Motors, Ford and DaimlerChrysler say they pay their CEOs, CFOs and other senior managers an average of $40 to $50 million a year, while Toyota and other Asian rivals pay their senior management $40 to $50 an hour.
“To remain competitive, we need to eliminate most, if not all of the gap,” United Auto Workers President Ron Gettelfinger, sporting what could only be described as a “shit eating grin,” stated.
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB113413659491126704,00.html?mod=home_whats_new_which_u]
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