Thank you, Wolfgang Vachon-Kayk, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we tried to install Vista on the office PCs. We…we’re still too traumatized to describe the carnage. Let’s just say that we’re looking for a new IT person. If you have any interest in IT, please get in touch. Seriously. We’re accepting resumes. Call us.
Enjoy,Don’t Take Small Children – It Will Traumatize Them For Life
Sources say The Da Vinci Code star Tom Hanks and director Ron Howard are in final negotiations to return for Angels and Demons, Dan Browne’s prequel to the popular novel and film. Sony refused to comment on whether Hanks’ hairdo would also appear in the sequel.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2007/2007/04/13/youcouldhideanukeinthatthing/]
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We’re Number One! We’re Number One!
We’re number one! According to the Audit Bureau of Canada, The Toronto Startle has increased its readership in the coveted 54 to 68 left-handed darts players demographic by six per cent. That’s more than any other newspaper in the country! We’d like to thank our readers, who, once again, have supported good journalism.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591231813&call_pageid=968375278492&col=968321972154]
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Headline? With All Due Respect, Senator, I Don’t Recall Writing A Headline…
SPECTER: So, you were at the meeting where the firing of he eight US Attorneys was discussed?
GONZALES: I don’t specifically recall being at that meeting, no, sir. However, my day planner says I was, so, what the heck, let’s say that I was.
SPECTER: Ooookay. And, you were at that meeting as Attorney General of the United States, and –
GONZALES: Not necessarily.
SPECTER: I’m sorry.
GONZALES: I wasn’t necessarily at the meeting as Attorney General. I may have been at the meeting as a private citizen.
SPECTER: Is it usual practice for private citizens to attend top level White House meetings?
GONZALES: Usual practice? No. But, this was an extraordinary situation.
SPECTER: So…were you or were you not Attorney General when you attended the meeting where the firings was discussed?
GONZALES: You know, it’s a funny thing, but I cannot recall.
SPECTER: You cannot recall.
GONZALES: No, sir. But, I can say this, in whatever capacity I attended the meeting, I did nothing improper.
SPECTER: Oh, that you remember.
GONZALES: I’ll remember that little bit of sarcasm, too.
SPECTER: Tell me, Mister Gonzeles, are you or are you not Attorney General at this moment?
GONZALES: With respect, Senator, I will not tarnish the dignity of this proceedings by answering such a provocative question.
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-O-Rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/gonzaleshottamale.shtml]
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We’re The Other Number One! We’re The Other Number One!
We’re number one! According to the Audit Bureau of Canada, The Glob and Maul has increased its readership in the coveted 51 to 54 Porsche driving golf players demographic by four per cent. That’s more than any other newspaper in the country! We’d like to thank our readers, who, once again, have proven their good taste in journalism.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20070412.eladvote0412_@/BNStory/newsGoUs2007/]
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I Feel A Surge Coming On – Good Thing There’s A Pill For That
In a dramatic address to the nation last night, President Bush announced a new strategy in the war on nouns. Now, Bush stated, the United States would be fighting against Islamo-fascist narco-terrorism.
“See, the problem is that we’ve been fighting too many wars,” the President explained. “Resources were being stretched. By consolidating our wars, we can reduce our overhead and fight all of our enemies more economically.”
One General, who asked not to be named because he hadn’t retired yet, questioned the wisdom of this rhetorical surge. “This is the worst case of mission creep I have ever witnessed,” he stated. “You can string a dozen nouns together if you want, it still doesn’t amount to a coherent policy. And, in the meantime, our boys are dying out there!”
SOURCE: Cleveland Wheeler Dealer
[http://www.cleveland.ca/enter/index.ssf?/living/wheelerdealer/index.ssf%3fu/base/news/1116779800223460.xml]
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We’re Another Number One! We’re Another Number One!
We’re number one! According to the Audit Bureau of Canada, The Toronto Stunned has increased its readership in the coveted 11 to 13 people who don’t own their own computers demographic by two point five per cent. That’s more than any other newspaper in the country! We’d like to thank our readers, who, once again, have kept us from bankruptcy court.
SOURCE: Toronto Stunned
[http://www.canoodle.com/NewsStand/TorontoStunned/News/2007/04/18/509737.html]
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It’s Helvetica On Wheels
There is a feature length film devoted to the typeface called Helvetica. Really? Helvetica? Cause I gotta tell you, I’ve read Times Roman, I’ve written with Times Roman and you, sir – you’re no Times Roman!
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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Combination Of Bullheaded Stubbornness And Lack Of Original Thoughts A Definite Asset
WANTED: One Leader of the Free World. Must appear to be able to make tough decisions boldly and decisively in public while obeying the agendas of the people around him in private. Must project an air of friendliness in public (the “I wouldn’t mind going drinking with him” advantage) while ruthlessly consolidating his own power behind the scenes. Must be at least 35 years of age and an American citizen (although we’re trying to find a way around this one). REPLY: Republican Party of the United States.
SOURCE: Your Guide To Getting Jobbed
[http://on.ygtgj.com/listings/040938.qrhtml]
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We’re Number…Uhh, Well, We’re Not Last! We’re Not Last!
We’re number one! According to the Audit Bureau of Canada, The National Whipping Post’s readership in the coveted 18 to 34 demographic only dropped by six per cent. That’s less than any other newspaper in the country! We’d like to thank our readers, who, once again, have remained our readers. More or less.
SOURCE: The National Whipping Post
[http://www.canada.com/national/nationalwhippingpost/news/story.html?ia=0ec0ecda-b9e6-4c18-bf9b-07b657c&cfactory48ec]
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A Worthy Rival To Tom Hanks’ Hair For Scaring Children
The Inconvenient Naked Truth. David J. Warga, President and Executive Producer of Naked News managed to convince Al Gore to let him shoot Gore’s presentation on global warming while not wearing any clothes! On the one hand, you have to admire Gore’s commitment to the cause. On the other hand, seeing him naked could set it back several decades…
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0078248/]
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Murder In The Ratings
Monday. 6pm. NBC. NBC Nightly News. Five minutes of exclusive, original footage of Cho Seung Hui made between the first and second parts of his shooting rampage at Virginia Tech.
Tuesday. 6pm. NBC. NBC Nightly News. Five minutes of exclusive, original footage of Cho Seung Hui made between the first and second parts of his shooting rampage at Virginia Tech, followed by three minutes of additional, never before seen footage.
Wednesday. 6pm. NBC. NBC Nightly News. Two more never before seen minutes of original footage of mass murderer Cho Seung Hui, slowed down to over six minutes in order to reveal the full horror of his twisted mind.
Thursday. 6pm. NBC. NBC Nightly News. The face of Cho Seung Hui is permanently placed next to the NBC logo.
Friday. 6pm. NBC. NBC Nightly News. Does saturation airplay of the final ramblings of deranged mass murderers lead to copycat killings? NBC devotes a full hour to this serious topic, including never before seen footage of Virginia Tech murder Cho Seung Hui torturing small animals.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
[http://www.tvguide.ua/listings/index.asp?referrerID=0&returnurl=%2Flistings%2Findex%2Easp%3F®Mode=0]
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