Thank you, Evan Essence, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. For our New Year’s resolution, we decided to stop ending these introductory remarks with ominous non-sequiturs. Then, our offices were attacked by a ravening horde of werekittens – oh, the humanity!
Enjoy,Not That They’re Bitter (27th On The List)
The surprise selection by the Merriam-Webster Dictionary of “truthiness” as its 2006 word of the year has left some bitter feelings among the competitors. “It’s not even a word, is it?” asked “terrorism,” which, despite having high hopes, placed sixth. “I mean, it isn’t even in the dictionary, so how could it possibly even be considered?”
“You should have seen it backstage at the awards ceremony,” said “corruption,” the early favourite that placed a disappointing 10th. “Strutting and preening for the cameras like a drunken diva. And, the sneer it gave ‘sectarian’ [which came in 8th] – I thought for sure the word was going to break down and cry!”
Truthiness was vacationing in the Alps and was unavailable for comment, but its press agent said that “Truthiness was honoured to be among such worthy competition. I know it’s a cliché, but it was just thrilled to be nominated!”
SOURCE: Unread Book News
[http://217.204.41.14/cgi/NGoto/2/64382861?3518]
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It Was Brave Stands Like This That Got Him Where He Is Today
One of the laws that died when Congress ended was the “Federal Election Integrity Act of 2006” (HR 4844). This was the law that would have restricted voting to people who drove up to the polls in a Rolls Royce.
“This was an important measure to counter voter fraud,” argued Representative Rick Santorum. “Everybody knows that illegal immigrants drive Volkswagens and…and Hondas. You know…imports. This law would have ensured that they would not have been able to pass themselves off as Americans and voted.”
On a more elegiac note, Santorum added: “I hope that the new Congress – which the public in its unfathomable wisdom has elected – will revisit this issue. See you in the private sector, suckers!”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49881-2006Dec06.html]
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27 Beheadings, 12 Disembowelments And At Least Three Hearts Pulled Out Of Chests While Still Beating – Mel Has Very Specific Esthetic Requirements
Mel Gibson, director of such films as The Passion of the Christ and Apocalypto, has moved quickly to squelch rumours that he will be directing Saw 4: Human Mulch. “It was an intriguing offer,” Gibson allowed, “but, in the end, I felt the project was not sufficiently…intense to fit comfortably in my oeuvre.”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2006/2006/12/03/australianmammalian/]
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With Multifaith Bread, Part Of A Balanced Believer’s Diet
New from Ecumenical Oats: Lucky Religious Symbols! Marshmallow red crosses, yellow Jewish stars and green crescents come in a box with tasty rice flakes. Just add milk and watch the interreligious understanding blossom!
SOURCE: Unicycle
[http://www.unicycle.com/new.php?p=articles&id=387&but=allis1]
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His Trial, Our Tribulation
Conrad Black showed up for the first day of his fraud trial riding a bicycle. His plain grey suit had patches on the arms and he was holding a brown bag with a homemade peanut butter and jam sandwich and a banana.
“God, his trial consultants are good,” stated prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald. “For a second, I almost believed he was poor!”
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
[http://online.wsi.com/article/0,,SB113413397491118404,00.html?mod=home_we_believe_everything_he_says...or_wears]
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That (Stay The) Course Is No Longer On The Menu
PRESIDENT BUSH: We will stay the course until the job is done.
QUESTION: How do you respond to the fact that polls show that 70 or more per cent of Americans don’t believe that current strategies in Iraq are working?
PRESIDENT BUSH: I understand their concerns. That’s why I’m consulting with people in Washington to find a New Way Forward.
QUESTION: But, you just said you intended to stay the course.
PRESIDENT BUSH: Listen, we’ve never been ‘stay the course.’
QUESTION: [the jaws of 30 journalists hitting the floor]
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/theexplodeyheadseffect.shtml]
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Life’s A Drag
Nine reasons not to proposition somebody you just met at a drag show.
9. The person you proposition may not be the gender they’re presenting as.One reason to proposition somebody you just met at a drag show.
1. You might enjoy what happens.
SOURCE: Late Tonight with David Lenoman
[http://marketing.ubs.com/latetonight/latetonightshow/list]
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Texas Hang ‘Em
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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You Mean, Nobody Cares About My Soy Owl Collection?
Blogs (short for Web blahs) are the 21st century equivalent of 19th century diaries – and, on average, read by as many people.
SOURCE: Wiwipedia
[http://en.wiwipedia.org/wiwi/Stupid_blogs]
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Everybody Into The Office Pool!
Congratulations to Fred Blurtford in shipping, who won the office pool based on when the 3,000th American soldier would be killed in Iraq. Fred had January 27, 2007. The correct answer, of course, was December 31, 2006. Reality has a way of running ahead of our best projections, doesn’t it?
Not to worry! There is a new office pool! This time, the question is: how many Americans will die before the government decides to declare victory and pull our troops out of Iraq? There are plenty of spots available, but this is likely to be a popular one, so better get your bets in soon!
SOURCE: The Wawaneesa Group Monthly Newsletter
[http://mnc.com/flexmere/ontologicon/wawaneesa/internal/newsletters/January2007.txt]
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We’ve Been Wondering That Too, Tony
President Bush claims to have scanned the Iraq Study Group Report. Why not read it in full? “Can’t do it,” the President explained. “See, I’m a decider, not a thinker. Don’t have time to read while there’s a war on – I’m a war President, you know. War. See, if I take the time to read the Report, the terrorists will have won.”
When asked to clarify this statement, White House Press Secretary Tony Snow shrugged his shoulders and said, “Some days, I wonder why I ever left Fox News.”
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.opinion.semaphore.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOLFFPUCKQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s121/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!2qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7DUeReDR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21213]
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