Thank you, Assyrian Avenger, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Wow. First, the American mid-term elections. Then, the Ontario municipal elections. We have to admit it: we’re political junkies and we ODed on the coverage. Somebody found us semiconscious in an alley, drooling uncontrollably and clutching a remote, mumbling, “What about the exit polls? Don’t they mean anything any more? Tell me about the goddam exit polls!” We…we’re in rehab, now. It’s not that we have a problem – seriously, we can quit politics any time we want. Really. It’s just that, well, we have a nice, quiet room with no access to media of any kind. It’s pleasant here. Yeah. Pleasant.
Enjoy,Sad, And Yet Not Surprising
According to Abu Ayyub al-Masri, leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq, “The American people have taken a step in the right path to come out of their predicament…they voted for a level of reason.” Sad, isn’t it, that a terrorist can give a more insightful analysis of the mid-term elections than Fox News?
SOURCE: The Day to Day Show with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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Stagnation? You Mean, A Country Made Up Of Males? Who Could Possibly Object To That?
The Conservative government has banned the use of the word “innovation” (and all of its derivatives, such as innovate, innovativeness and innovatoriationism) in all of its public documents. Apparently, the government prefers the term “stagnation.” Agenda for Stagnation – it has a ring to it, doesn’t it? Department of Stagnation in the Ministry of Labour – what mandarin wouldn’t want to work there?
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
[http://www.mothercorp.ca/hour22minutes/]
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How Far We’ve Come In Just Three Short Years!
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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Pynchon Me – I Must Be Dreaming!
“Woohoo! THOMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAS! Yeah!”
The lineup in front of The World’s Biggest Bookstore has already started for Thomas Pynchon’s new novel, Against the Day, even though it isn’t going to be officially released until next Tuesday. Within three hours of the start of the lineup, it had snaked around the block and was slowly making its way down Yonge Street.
Many in the lineup had dressed up as characters in Pynchon’s writing. Several had the distinctive garb of Tyrone Slothrop, the main character from Gravity’s Rainbow. Others had teardrops tattooed under their eyes, a reference to the story “The Crying of Lot 49.” One group across the street from HMV were dressed in 18th century clothes in homage to Pynchon’s Mason and –
“No, no,” one of them protested. “I always dress this way.”
WBB Manager Katrina Laflouresce said she expected the lineup could have hundreds of Pynchon fans by the time the store opens on Tuesday. “Of course, we still only expect to sell three copies,” Laflouresce sighed, “but it’s nice to know that we’re a part of such a cultural phenomenon.”
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now, Canada!
[http://www.canada.com/globulltv/globullshows/ern_canada.html]
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Letter Writing Is Challenging
Jim Stanford’s comments about tipping in Australia can’t go unchallenged. My wife and I – okay, well, technically, I suppose, they could go unchallenged. I mean, I didn’t have to write a letter that challenged them. I could have gone about my life without putting in the time and effort to refute – in fact, why am I putting in the time and effort to refute – excuse me, but I’m going back to my life, now.
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/letters/RTGAM.20061107.eladvote1107_@/BNStory/Tippingpointless2006/]
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When Traveling Through Australia, Learn How To Duck
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I’ll be traveling to Australia for a vacation next week. It’s my first time, and I want it to go well. I understand from Russell Crowe that throwing telephones is not uncommon in the country – what should I know about that?
DEAR HEART: Throwing telephones, like any other human behaviour, depends upon context. In a restaurant, for instance, throwing a telephone at a waiter clearly indicates dissatisfaction with the service. Throwing a telephone at home, on the other hand, suggests that you will soon be seeking a divorce.
In Australia, throwing phones has long been considered a vital courtship ritual. A man gets on one knee and throws his cellphone at a woman he wishes to marry. If she keeps the phone, they start making wedding plans; if she throws the phone back at him, he has to start looking elsewhere.
Your cultural sensitivity speaks well of you. Enjoy your trip.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1088591291813&call_pageid=968335278492&col=968456972154]
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Okay, So, John Kerry’s No Jim Carrey
CORRECTION: Last week, I wrote a piece asking which of the three answers that followed was the dumbest thing John Kerry had said. Several readers pointed out to me that the three quotes which followed were, in fact, said by George W. Bush. I would like to apologize for assuming that my readers would understand the satirical intent behind the piece.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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Death Of All The Presidents Men
Iraqis are dying by the tens of thousands, possibly hundreds of thousands. When their bodies aren’t blown apart by bombs, they die from the diseases and malnutrition that accompany the destruction of a country’s infrastructure. Think: bloated bellies, internal organs being eaten by parasites and flesh literally falling off bodies.
How will the architects of the war responsible for these deaths themselves die?
PAUL WOLFOWITZ will die by choking on a piece of chateaubriand at a World Trade Organization meeting. He will have just been getting to the punchline of a joke about a priest, a rabbi and a third world microloans bank manager, when, sadly, he will be unable to keep himself from laughing with a mouthful of food. Oddly, nobody in a room full of bureaucrats will move to save him.
CONDOLEEZZA RICE will die of a brain hemorrhage, apparently from trying to reconcile the fact that no weapons of mass destruction were found in Iraq with her belief that Saddam Hussein had nuclear weapons at the time the second Bush administration invaded. At the time of her death, she was the last person on earth who believed that Hussein was an ally of Osama bin Laden.
COLIN POWELL will die of embarrassment. To the end, he will be the only administration official with the slightest degree of self-awareness.
DONALD RUMSFELD will die in his sleep, dreaming of an Iraq in which American soldiers are greeted with kisses and flowers as liberators.
DICK CHENEY will die chasing his grandson through a vegetable garden. His death, which will occur in slow motion, will be sadly poetic.
GEORGE W. BUSH will die falling off a horse clearing brush at his ranch in Crawford, Texas. This will strike many people as odd, considering he doesn’t usually move around his ranch by horse, and inconclusive yet all-encompassing conspiracy theories will develop over the following few years.
SOURCE: The Alternate Reality News Service
[http://www.arns.com/sinbin?id=32322741326641714687frt]
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