an electoral race too close to callThank you, Nereida Glascock, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, you know what? Despite our best efforts, nobody loves you and the universe doesn’t care.
Enjoy,Of Course You Realize, Christie Blatchford Is Channeling Her Inner Bugs Bunny
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1876533333]
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Don’t Ask, Don’t Kvell
According to General Peter Pace, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the solution to the war in Iraq is simple: “Shiite and Sunni are going to have to love their children more than they hate each other.” Idly picking at the flowers in his hair, Pace suggested that if a million people got together, held hands and chanted, they could levitate Lebanon.
Pentagon officials are currently considering if incipient flower childishness is a cause for court martial.
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49281-2006August05.html]
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I Suck At Snaps
Man, yo mama’s so fat you should…you should get her into a weight loss programme, or maybe sign her up for a health club or something, cause that shit’s gonna kill her. Seriously, man. Do it.
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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They Grow Up Fast And Learn Too Well, Don’t They?
Where Mexico is in the Americanization of its democracy:
an electoral race too close to call
the conservative candidate loses the exit polls but is declared the winner of the election
large numbers of uncounted ballots suddenly turn up
YOU ARE HERE: the country’s top court refuses to allow a recount of all the votes
the newly elected President claims he will rule with humility after winning a disputed razor-thin majority, then rules as if he had won by a landslide
the new government takes the country into an unpopular war of choice
the new government allows the country’s deficit to skyrocket
the new government becomes an international Pariah
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
[http://www.politicsfordummies.com/home.asp?did=459&dir=bb]
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Now, That’s How You Get Tough On Crime!
The Israeli army, now in control of all of southern Lebanon below the Litani River, plans on using missiles in the area to attack moving cars. The occupants’ crime? Driving while…driving.
SOURCE: The Baghdad Post
[http://www.baghdadpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A43881-2006Aug09.html]
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The Number Six Ring A Bell?
Donald Rumsfeld testified before the Senate that he had never painted a rosy picture about Iraq. “You would have a dickens of a time trying to find instances where I have been overly optimistic,” he told Senator Hilary Clinton.
Listen up, Defense Secretary asshole. Only a complete moron denies something that not only was videotaped, but is in the hands of every major news service in the country. A complete moron, or somebody who is so detached from reality that he thinks whatever he says is true. A complete moron, somebody who is so detached from reality that he thinks whatever he says is true, or somebody who has Alzheimer’s. A complete moron, somebody who is so detached from reality that he thinks whatever he says is true, somebody who has Alzheimer’s or somebody who is so drunk with his own power that he doesn’t believe anybody will have the nerve to contradict him.
Whatever the reason, you’re not somebody who should be in charge of national defense.
SOURCE: Listen Up, Asshole
[http://www.(^!$%!$#_)!(*)!*)*)*#%!&&%(.com/index.html]
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Is He Really So Important That We Need To Know This?
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1876588888]
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Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Anti-Semitically
Mel Gibson’s celebrity friends are coming to his defense. Patrick Swayze called Gibson “a wonderful human being” and insisted that he was “not anti-Semitic.”
When asked to explain why Gibson, when arrested for drunken driving, stated that all wars were started by Jews, Swayze claimed, “It was the work of the racism fairies. They enter your brain when you are weak – like when you’ve been heavily drinking – and they make you say stupid things you don’t really believe in.”
To illustrate his point, Swayze then pranced around the room in imitation of a fairy, whispering things about racial minorities that I’d rather not repeat.
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
[http://www.entertainmentrightnow.com/mini/smug2006/2006/08/03/imnotswayzedbyhim]
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When Do Pigs At The Trough Become The Pork In The Barrel?
The Conservative government has used a “national security” clause to allow it to decide where to direct $8 billion worth of military spending. How does a reasonable person respond?
On the one hand, this tends to make a mockery of the Conservatives’ pledge of accountable government, giving them a vast pork barrel to play in. On the other hand, criticism from MPs like Ujjal Dosanjh ring pretty hollow considering that the Liberal Party perfected the patronage process.
You’ve got to either laugh or cry…or cry harder.
SOURCE: Toronto Startle
[http://www.thestartle.com/NASApp/cs/ContentServer?pagename=thestartle/Layout/Article_Type1&c=Article&cid=1988591831813&call_pageid=968335678492&col=938666972154]
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Some People Are Slow…
Ads in Cineplex theatres comparing the size of a movie screen to the size of a television have the tag line “Go big.” Surely, the people who came up with this campaign know that the actual phrase is “Go big or go home.” Why would they cut out half of the –
Oh.
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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At Home With The Liebermans
LIEBERMAN: Where do you think you’re going, young man?
MATTHEW: I’m finished eating, dad.
LIEBERMAN: This meal is not over! As I see it, in this meal we just finished the first half and the mashed potatoes and peas are ahead. But, in the second half, the roast beef, our entrée, is going to surge forward to victory! Uhh…please pass it, dear.
HADASSAH: (sighs) Yes, dear.
SOURCE: Drew’s Transcript-o-rama
[http://www.transcript-o-rama.com/lieberistheman.shtml]
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You Always Suspected It, Didn’t You? Come On, You Can Admit It…
Archie/VeronicaxBetty) Half of Americans believe that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction, even though the search for them has been called off with none found. Incredibly, that number is up from only 36 per cent last year. What’s that about?
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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