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Enjoy,Washington Finds Itself In A Sticky Situation
The price of shares in Quaker Oats took a dive yesterday on reports that American troops raided a warehouse full of Aunt Jemima products. “There was syrup everywhere,” one soldier, who asked not to be identified because she was too mapley, commented. “It was horrible!”
Nobody knows why the raid was ordered. Noam Chomsky, a critic of American foreign policy for decades, suggested that “they were after Jemaah Islamiya – it’s an Indonesia group on an American terrorist watch list. They were obviously confused. But, you didn’t hear that from me. Sigh…”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49381-2006Jul21.html]
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Gives The Term Party Organ A New Meaning
Price: Yuan 100,000
Time Left: as many days as you like – no hurry, really
Quantity: We’re flexible – there are always more organs to be harvested.
History: Medical science is a wonderful thing. Diseases that people used to die from can now be cured with a simple pill. Other, more complex diseases, can be cured by taking an organ or two from one person and putting it/them into the sick person. Amazing. At the same time as transplant technology advanced, China found itself with an odd dilemma: what to do with the bodies of all of the terrorist subversives that it was executing. The answer seems obvious now: harvest the bodies of the traitors for parts sick people can use! Talk about a win/win situation!
Item Location: Behind an undisclosed shop in a major city in China. Leave a personal ad in the Zanghai Daily News referring to “cuddly kittens in the light of the glorious proletariat revolution,” and we’ll be in touch with you.
Description: Hearts, lungs, kidneys – you need them, we’ve got them. They are lovingly harvested from Falun Gong members, so you know they’re top quality, because one thing you can say about those religious zealots is that they take great care of their bodies. And, so do we, right up until the time we execute them and deliver their body parts to the medical institution of your choice.
SOURCE: ehBay
[http://cgi.ehbay.ca/ws/ehBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=2&item=2113329546&rd=1]
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Personally, I’d Rather Use My Right To Defend Myself On The Riviera
In retaliation for the kidnapping of two Israeli soldiers, the Israeli army has bombarded the French city of Toulouse with heavy artillery for the sixth day. Yesterday’s “pinpoint strike” killed 37 civilians, 87 chickens, 43 cows, 44 cats, 25 dogs, three turtles and a cockatiel.
The White House responded to the attack with a press release that said that “Israel has a right to defend itself.” Press Secretary Tony Snow later added that: “The fact that we don’t like the French has absolutely nothing to do with the White House’s response to the Israeli military action in Toulouse.”
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, after being repeatedly hit over the head with the American press release, called the Israeli attack on Toulouse “measured.”
SOURCE: Glob and Maul
[http://www.globandmaul.com/servlet/story/RTGAM.20050102.eladvote0102_@/BNStory/newsMoreWar2006/]
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What’re You Lookin’ At, Punk?
He wrote about the mean streets, although he was not a mean man. His detectives were hard, like an egg that’s been left in boiling water for too many hours. Just like his prose. He was frequently copied, a compliment, I suppose, except the copies quickly fell into self-parody. He was Mickey Spillane. Now, he’s just a rotting hunk of flesh filling a box six feet underground.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Some People Get Joy From The Strangest Things
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! It’s actually happening! Israel has invaded Gaza, is bombing the heck out of Lebanon and hasn’t ruled out attacking Syria! Hezbollah are lobbing bombs back at Israel! (Like that’s going to do anything.) Meanwhile, the G8 are urging Israel to show restraint – like that’s going to do anything!
Okay, it’s the big one, people. Make sure you’re wearing comfortable clothes, because it will make it that much easier for the Lord to take you out of them. No tight pantsuits and nothing with multiple zippers. Oh, and, make sure you stay away from the seven deadly sins – nothing burns worse than leading a righteous life, but not being called because of a last minute spot of envy.
Yee haw! Can you feel the excitement?
SOURCE: The Rapture Clock
[http://www.time2rapture.com/rap2.html]
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Being Cool…Being Hot – There Are No Contradictions
Typical dialogue from the film Peaceful Warrior:
SOCRATES: The Way to physical perfection lies in how a flower sheds its leaves.
DAN: So, the silent bear catches the early worm.
SOCRATES: Why…yes. Yes, that is one way of looking at it.
DAN: Force is just the pair of glasses on the myopic sheep herder on the tundra.
SOCRATES: Uhh…okay.
DAN: After all, if the earth rotated in the opposite direction, David Hasselhoff may not have been able to brush his teeth.
SOCRATES: That’s enough.
DAN: Enough is too much masquerading as a Belgian Sheepdog.
SOCRATES: What have I started?
Is this a movie you really need to see?
SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database
[http://www.imd.com/title/tt0076538/]
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Isn’t That What Happens When Your Airbag Opens In A Crash?
Deployment Bump: The rise in support for a foreign war immediately after the deployment of troops. A deployment bump is believed to occur not necessarily because of an increased desire for international combat, but out of a desire to show solidarity with the troops engaged in the war.
USAGE: Prime Minister Stephen Harper must be furious that his deployment bump for Afghanistan was so short-lived, especially considering how much longer George W. Bush’s deployment bump for Iraq lasted.
SOURCE: Michelle’s Obscure Pedantry Page
[http://www.MichellesOPP.ca/blogger.html]
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Root Cause…Root Canal – It’s Such A Fine Line For The American Government
“We do seek an end to the current violence. We seek it urgently. We also seek to address the root cause of that violence.”
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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