Thank you, Siegfried Krakhausen, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. Then, we all went on vacation and, realizing that it didn’t make any difference to your enjoyment of The Daily Me, quickly returned and pretended to be really, really, really, really, really busy so our bosses wouldn’t catch on.
Enjoy,Bring Me The Head of Philip K. Dick
What is wrong with you people?
I go into the hospital for a few days for a spot of heart surgery, and when I come out, the head of a robot based on science fiction author Philip K. Dick has gone missing! I mean sure, removing it from its robot body and stowing it in a bowling bag in the overhead compartment of a plane was just asking for trouble, but did you have to ask so loudly?
Swear to god, I can’t turn my back on you for a moment, can I? Next time I need heart surgery, I’m waiting until I’m dead!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
[http://www.lespagesauxfolles.ca]
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So Lifelike!
Commanding: “Fuck off.”
Curious: “Didn’t I just tell you to fuck off?”
Concerned About People: “So, why haven’t you fucked off yet?”
Interested in effective communication: “What part of ‘fuck off’ don’t you understand?
Patient: “Do I need to tell you to ‘fuck off’ again?”
Vice President Dick Cheney: The Face of Compassionate Conservatism
SOURCE: Karl’s Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism
[http://www.bigred.commie/articles/49.htm]
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That’s A Tree Falling In The Forest Kind O’ Question
Ten women have already died from domestic abuse in Toronto this year, more than died at the hands of spouses all of last year. When do you think politicians will try to outlaw the deadly institution of marriage?
SOURCE: aye Weakly
[http://www.aye.net/]
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Isn’t “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Appropriate Here?
From 50 Things You Didn’t Know About Rick Santorum:
5. He cried when Old Yeller died. He still cries just thinking about it.
21. It was his timely intervention that kept the Vogons from destroying the Earth.
27. He can make a mean balloon animal…as long as it’s a cat.
29. He created penicillin.
32. His introduction of a weather service bill benefiting for-profit weather forecasters had nothing to do with a donation from private weather company AccuWeather Inc. to America’s Foundation, his political action committee. He’s just really concerned about the weather.
37. He bet on the White Sox in 1919 and, to this day, argues that Shoeless Joe Jackson was innocent.
45. He has a tattoo of Mary Magdalene on his right butt cheek. No, don’t try to imagine it – just assume it’s very tasteful and move on.
48. Some of his best friends are gay…if, by best friends, you mean people he is willing to swallow his revulsion for in order to talk to.
50. Despite all of this, he still isn’t human.
SOURCE: The Smoking Gut
[http://www.thesmokinggut.com/archive/108090254cahs01.html]
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How About This? The Side That First Uses A Nazi Comparison Los – Oops, Too Late…
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes
[http://thesepeopleareinsane.psy/update.toshtml]
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History Is For People Who Can’t Face The Future
Japanese officials are considering using the preemptive strike doctrine so beloved of American neoconservatives against North Korea. The world is looking at Japan’s position very carefully, considering how well the last time the country conducted a preemptive strike turned out.
SOURCE: Daily Semaphore
[http://www.news.semaphore.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;sessionid=M5UF23LWOOFFPQFIQMFSM5WAVCBQ0JVC?nextPage=/DUereDE/wXeR.WZvwF?7wF~/DUereDE/s119/Os/14/JD141O.7wF!3qZiiv~/DUeReDR/s119/Os/14/e7MuRdeR.ZvwF!2iG3gimmygi2Z~vg3i&resize=null&_requestid=21313]
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Would It Make It Easier To Think Of It As Cutting And Pasting Troops?
Five investigations into misconduct by American soldiers in Iraq are currently being conducted by the Army. The behaviour under investigation includes everything from rape to torturing and killing civilians.
Court-martials are one way of getting the troops home, I suppose. Kind of slow, though. Not very efficient. And, it does tend to bring the United States into further ill-repute. Still, kudos to the army for finding a way of bringing the troops home that won’t be confused with cutting and running.
SOURCE: The Day To Day Show, with Jon Tudor
[http://www.comedycentric.com/tv_shows/thedaytodayshowwithjontudor/headlines_pol.jhtml]
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Apparently, The Price Of Fascism Is Eternal Vigilance, Too
People ask me why I’m so angry, considering that conservatives control all three branches of government and are prominent in the media. I’ll tell you why. As long as there is one liberal in this country, that’s too many, and I have made it my life’s goal to hunt that person down and persecute them to the fullest extent of the media. And, even if there were no liberals in the country, we would still have to watch very carefully to make sure that none snuck in, or that nobody sitting on the fence suddenly decided to change their mind.
Does this sound like the sort of mission that would make anybody happy?
SOURCE: The O’Meilly Factor
[http://www.foxynews.com/story/0,2963,96203,00.html]
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Worse: He’s A Wannabe
SOURCE: Billy-Bob’s International House O’ Headlines
[http://www.com/lol.pdqfc.wwygw.wyswyg/fid=1346933063]
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Shine On You Crazy Baseball Diamond
Syd Barrett, one of the founders of the rock band Pink Floyd, died of unnamed causes. To commemorate Barrett’s contribution to music, radio stations around the world played songs from Pink Floyd albums recorded after he had left the band.
SOURCE: Obits ‘R Us
[http://www.king.ids.net/~bdlm/obits_r_us.html]
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Is It Just Me, Or Is Cheney Sounding More And More Like The Penguin Every Day?
On the eve of the G8 summit in St. Petersburg, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that the West’s decision to fund Islamist guerrillas in Afghanistan has backfired 20 years later. He claimed that Islamist militias in that country might not be such a big deal if the West hadn’t spent billions of dollars training, funding and arming them to fight against the Russian occupation of Afghanistan.
In response, Vice President Dick Cheney, phoning it in from an undisclosed location, muttered, “We don’t deal with root causes, wah wah wah. And, anyway, he likes lifting the shirts of little boys and kissing them on the stomach. There’s a word for that, and it sure as hell ain’t diplomacy! Wah wah wah!”
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
[http://www.postingtonwash.com/wp-dyn/articles/A49884-2006Jul11.html]
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