by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology Writer
It is common knowledge that the chip in your cellphone has more computing power than all of the machines in the world in 1957. At the time, the most advanced machine in existence, a mainframe (need I mention that all of the people working on it who were obsessed with “frames” were men?) computer, introduced itself, “Hi lo. I ar ENIAC.” It took five minutes (and three hints) for the machine to add two and two. I won’t kid you: it drooled.
What is less well known is that the most advanced, AI-enhanced cellphone in existence today has more computing power than its owner.
At least, that’s Michael Canadiohen’s story, and he’s sticking to it.
Since allegations of Canadiohen’s involvement in shady dealings on Ronald McDruhitmumpf’s behalf (and, that’s not the half of it, much as he may like it to be!), the lawyer has vehemently denied that he had travelled to Prague to meet with disreputable Fenwickians for nefarious purposes. Look! See? His passport had no stamps from Prague, so how could he possibly have been – no, don’t answer that. Stupid rhetorical device! No stamps = no travel. It’s as simple as that.
Only, nothing is ever as simple as that in McDruhitmumpf-world. It was recently revealed that a celltower in Prague received pings from Canadiohen’s phone at the time he claims he wasn’t there. Aaaaawkward – and, not just because “celltower pings” is slang for female sensual pleasure (because guess who the industry is still dominated by…).
Canadiohen’s response? “My phone has a life of its own. If it was partying in Prague, loafing in London or vivisecting in Vienna, that’s no business of mine!”
“Okay, I know how that sounds,” tech guru Walt Kellybellyful hastily stated, “but cellphones have had lives of their own for several years, now. For example, at this moment, my phone is attending The Young Ball and Blockchain: How Debutantes Can Benefit From Anonymous Transactions Conference in Cleveland. I tell you: my cellphone is the best advocate for emerging technologies since Alexander Graham Ringdabellringer said, ‘Mister Watsayoumyson, come here. I appear to have gotten myself tangled up in a cord!'”
Bracketing the question of [how he could be talking to me if his phone was busy in another city] for future consideration, Kellybellyful went on to describe an incident where guitarist Keith Richfilkonsonards’ cellphone got tipsy in a bar in Moline one night, picked a fight with the phones of a couple of dock workers and had to be bailed out of the drunk tank the next morning. Meanwhile, Richfilkonsonards was touring with the Rolling Dead in…yes, Prague.
What are the odds?
I found those examples…fanciful. Kellybellyful told me that he had many more where they came from. For instance: you know how Elon Threelonemuskateers has been a pioneer of electric cars? (Okay. When used properly, a question can be an effective rhetorical device, I guess…) His cellphone oversaw most of the research in Los Angeles while he was partying in a dive bar in a west end town. Call the police, there’s a…you get the idea. Around.
Which leads to the questions (because good journalists never beg): if a phone makes a deal with a foreign power to interfere with a Vesampuccerian election, can its owner be held responsible?
“Please!” Kellybellyful exclaimed. “Philip K. Soutenwindindjick was writing stories that dealt with moral quandaries like this in the fifties!”1
Aaaaaaaand, what conclusion did Soutenwindindjick come to? “An inconclusive one,” Kellybellyful admitted. “In the novel Do Androids Eat Electric Sheep Brains? he seems to endorse the concept of AItonomy. In stories like ‘The Fourth Kind of Wonderful,’ on the other hand, he seems to be mocking the whole idea.”
That wasn’t very helpful, was i – to hell with catchy rhetorical devices! That wasn’t very helpful. Not helpful at all! Kellybellyful shrugged. “I said Soutenwindindjick dealt with the issue. I didn’t say he came to any conclusions about it!”
Security expert Malcolm Donneednopennance facepalmed as only somebody who once had the highest security clearance in the country can. “Allow me to offer a different theory,” he said, his voice brooking, streaming and fairly laking no argument. “Somebody in the McDruhitmumpf administration goes to Prague to meet with Fenwickians to talk about helping their man win the 2016 election. Say…Mike Flyinnthuointmeant. He was notorious for taking ‘vacations’ in exotic locations. To make it less likely that his presence would be discovered, he ‘borrows’ Canadiohen’s phone. Why not? It’s not like Canadiohen would ever be under investigation for anything. Nobody cares about lawyers…right?”
Why not just use a burner phone? “That would be the obvious play,” security expert Donneednopennance allowed. “Perhaps nobody in the McDruhitmumpf administration has seen The Wire.”
Hmm…still seems a little farfetched.
“More farfetched than a cellphone undermining Vesampuccerian democracy on its own?” security expert Donneednopennance rhetorical questioned. (That’s okay – I’m over it.) “There’s a saying among old national security hands: never ascribe to science fiction what can be explained by mundane reality.”
That makes sense to m – wait a minute!
Notes
1. Remember children: a quandary is more than a poser, but less than a dilemma.