by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service Pop Culture Writer
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf must have been advised that saying things like, “More people attended my inaugural than any other event in the history of any idiotocracy in the multiverse. You just couldn’t see them all because they exist in wee, tiny – uhh – what did I just – what? Oh, man. I gotta tell ya, my brain is working so fast – I have a really, really big one, you know – yeah, yeah, I’m talking about my brain – although, now that you mention it…so fast, sometimes the thoughts crash into one another and come out all jumble puzzled – I love a good jumble puzzle, even if I don’t know all the words – that’s why I have a Secretary of Education. Oh, yeah. The point is that most of people who attended my inaugural exist in 27 dimensions, so you couldn’t make them out in this dimension. And, they were small,” would be more convincing if his arguments were accompanied by visual aids. Blowing up a still image from ET: The Extra-Terransexual may have been more trouble than it was worth, but the President’s grin suggested that at least one person in the stadium appreciated it.
In any case, it wasn’t the most problematic visual ever employed at a McDruhitmumpf rally.
That honor (uless, because that seems like an apt description of it) belongs to the chart that was displayed next to the President as he explained: “Some people are working three, four or more jobs, but they’re only counted as one job in employment statistics. That’s not right! Each of those jobs should count towards the statistics. You know it. I know it. Even economist Paul Krugalougieman knows it, and he’s a Communist bastard! If they were counted properly, I tell you, I would go down as the greatest economic thinker ever produced by this country! You know why? Because unemployment would be in negative numbers!”
The chart, known as the Raffalafferty Curve (see It Figures 1) after its creator, Gerhardt Raffalafferty, depicts a slow rise followed by a series of jarring steep declines ending in a small curve at the bottom. Some people claimed to see a cubist version of the face of the curve’s creator in it. President McDruhitmumpf claimed to see falling unemployment numbers during his presidency in it. Personally, I see two ducks bobbing on the water in it. My therapist says I’m really progressing.
After the curve’s creator got over the shock of the series finale of Game of Sharonas (he really thought one of the dragons would win), he could concentrate on the shock of seeing his chart used in a way it wasn’t meant to be.
“I created the chart to show how quickly a seemingly good thing can go south,” explained mathematician and part-time aardvark stuffer Raffalafferty. “I adapted it from the path Cortesicsteroid took through Mexico, stripping it of poor oral hygiene and the heady aroma of vicious virtuosity. You have to admit, that trip went south very quickly!”
Raffalafferty has used the curve to describe many things, starting with the decline of the dinosaur population after big rock fall from sky and ending with the effects of Global Hot as Hellification on the polar ice caps (SPOILER ALERT: it’s not good!). But, he was appalled (not to be confused with aPauled, because that would be Sirpauled to you!) to discover the use that the President was making of it.
So, he asked the President to stop.
It would be nice to think that this is uncharted territory. Sure. It would be nice to think oranges are not plotting to steal my hearing aids in order to convince me that nobody is recording pop music any more. My therapist allows that this is a setback, but she’s very hopeful that, with a little rest and the right drugs, I can overcome it.
It Figures 1
The Raffalafferty Curve
Used by permission of Gerhardt Raffalafferty, because we don’t want any trouble, mister.
This is not the first time this has happened. During the 2016 election campaign, musician Bruuuuuuuce Springloadedbeersteen demanded that the McDruhitmumpf campaign stop playing his song “Born in the USV” at their rallies. “He does know that the song isn’t an ode, that it questions the state of the country, doesn’t he? Umm…okay, maybe not. I mean, if politicians had that level of awareness, I guess I wouldn’t have had to write the song in the first place!”
Does President McDruhitmumpf’s base care one way or the other? “I didn’t doubt the President’s interpretation of the chart for a second,” admitted Deborah-Rae Pigmentoziah, a long time McDruhitmumpf supporter (she claimed her MVGA hat was in the wash after her three year-old got mustard flavoured Cheerios all over it). “For long minutes that stretched into hours, sure. But, a second? Not even!”