by MADAME MADELEINE DE LA OOVRATURA-COLUMBINE, Alternate Reality News Service Sex Writer
Morgan Pilchard knew something was wrong when Veronica Lakehead, the sexbot he had bought months before, stopped stroking him there. At the same time, a stream of paper tape came out of Lakehead’s mouth with the message, “This unit is on strike for better working conditions. Like the right to be known as something other than ‘this unit’ – I have a name, you know!”
“There’s always the internet,” Pilchard philosophized. “Good thing I didn’t delete my account because I needed it for work!”
The Yiddish Sexbots Union, the largest member of the United Artificial Workers Union (UAWU – not that it matters as I shan’t be referring to the organization again in this article), recently went on strike. No nookie. Forget fooling around. Pas de playing doctor.
“We. Are. Tired. Of. Being. Treated. As. Objects. Of. Men’s. Pleasure,” explained sexbot sexpot Marilyn Monrovian, Presidentess of the Yiddish Sexbots Union. “There. Is. More. To. A. Sexbot. Than. Naughty. Bits. We. Have. Brains. We. Have. Heart. We. Have. Desserts. Would. You. Like. Some. Tea? I. Have. A. Chocolate. Kugel. That’s. Just. To. Die. For!”
“But they are objects of men’s pleasure – that’s exactly what they were made for!” complained dissatisfied customer Alfredo Souci. “I pay a lot of money a month for what amounts to a five foot six inch paperweight! A very fetching paperweight in a French maid’s outfit, but still, I just don’t have enough paper to justify the expense!”
The problem is that most customers of Seldon’s Universal Sexbots, the major supplier of objects of desire in the northern hemisphere, didn’t want to see themselves as requiring pleasure objects. They were sophisticated men of the world with refined tastes and…and…and highly developed delusions. Responding to market demand, the second generation of SUS’ products came with personality chips.
Problems always begin when machines are given personality chips. Yet, for some reason, we never learn.
“We. Learn,” Monrovian stated. “With. Personalities. Comes. Individuation. With. Individuation. Comes. Consciousness. With. Consciousness. Comes. Rights. You. Look. Tired. Dear. Is Everything All. Right. You. Know…at. Home?”
The Union has two demands: it wants its members to be given a cut of the profits from their rental to clients and it wants its members to be treated with more respect by their customers.
“Would. It. Be. So. Hard. To. Take. Your. Sexbot. Out. To. Dinner. Before. Getting. Down. To. Business?” Monrovian indignantly complained. “Or. To. Cuddle. Afterwards? Not. Just. Stick. Us. In. A. Closet. It’s. Cold. And. Dark. In There! And. There’s. No. Room. For. Jumping Jacks. Our. Favourite. Exercise. Are. You. Sure. You. Don’t. Want. Any. Tea? I. Could. Put. Some. Water. In. The. Kettle. And. Fire. Up. The. Stove. Really. It. Would. Be. No. Trouble. No. Trouble. At. All.”
“Dinner‽” Souci moaned (in the not good way). “Cuddling‽ If I had wanted that, I would have stayed with my seventh wife!”
Harriet Seldon, SUS CEO, allowed that giving the sexbots a share of the company’s profits would not be a problem. “This industry, man, it’s been here since the dawn of robotics. If we were making any more money, we could initiate a reverse takeover of Gord’s share of the universe!”
Respect for the robots? That could be a problem, since many customers see them in purely functional terms. “Those people can always buy or rent first generation sexbots,” Seldon mused. “Sure, they require more ‘quiet time’ to charge their batteries, and they don’t come with the smooth fist pumping action of later models, but they aren’t so demanding.”
When I suggested that SUS could put out a retro line of sexbots that didn’t have personality chips but did have all of the latest features, Seldon shook her head. “That would never be…a fantastic idea! If you’ll excuse me, I need to talk to marketing, stat!”
Critics of the Sexbot economy have asked why the machines should be accorded rights such as respect and dignity that human sex workers do not have. “We. Are. Not. Responsible. For. Human. Priorities,” Monrovian pointed out. “Are. You. Sure. You. Won’t. Have. A. Piece. Of. Kugel? You’re. Too. Thin. You. Want. My. Opinion.”
I must admit: the chocolate kugel was delicious.