by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
It happens to everybody sooner or later. You invite a few friends to watch a football/foosball/foozleberry…ball game at your apartment, and somebody’s +1 is your ex – a bridge you thoroughly burned, baby, burned (and you have the arson squad report to prove it) – who, as far as you’re concerned, is a -kajillion. Or, you’re at a bar with a few friends to celebrignore (celebrate without truly acknowledging) your 30th birthday when who should show up at your table but Chip from Accounting, the guy who has hit on every man, woman and potted plant in the office (unsuccessfully – even the plants slapped him)? Being alone on a desert island is no defence: there are always sand crabs and…and…and flying fish interrupting your earnest conversation with the imaginary guests at your tea party.
Unwanted guests – there’s just no getting away from them. Especially if the unwanted guest arrives with a dozen secret service guards, seven Cabinet members and a press secretary.
After the terrorist attack on worshippers at a synagogue by a heavily armed white extremicist, the city of Armandcheriepittsburgh sent President Ronald McDruhitmumpf an anti-invitation to mourn with it: “Dear Ronald. Wish you weren’t here. And, hey, you’re the leader of the idiocratic world, so if you agree to not to grace us with your presence, you have the power to make it happen. Make it happen. All Due Love and Respect, Armandcheriepittsburgh, North Pennsylina.”
To which the President responded: “Dear Armandcheriepittsburgh. Thank you for your generous invitation to…do something in your fair city. Of course I’ll be happy to celebrate with you. See you soon! The Ronald”
The reason Armandcheriepittsburgh’s welcome to the President was less than warm – could, in fact, be considered as “glacial” if Global Hot as Hellification hadn’t made most of the Arctic shelf a child’s fable – had been because of the President’s contribution to the debate about racism in Vesampucceri.
He’s in favour of it.
He has, for example, called the group of mostly women and children fleeing Central Vesampuccerian violence “an invasion by a horde of dark-skinned criminals and terrorists, economic opportunists and nogoodniks.” Seventeen times. In the last day and a half. Just when you think he has abandoned all pretense of message discipline!
This intersects with propaganda from such racist groups as The Sons of Hoodoo, an obscure Web site on which was written: “Stop the invasion of our country by a horde of dark-skinned criminals and terrorists, economic opportunists and nogoodniks! Stop the work of the anti-White movement sponsored by the Hebrew Association with Immigrant Sympathies!* For all your scapegoating needs, you can’t go wrong with the International Jewish ConspiracyTM!”
Finally, there was the alleged synagogue shooter, Eric Browbeatineffer, who posted on Farcebook: “I was raised on the International Jewish ConspiracyTM, and I love it! It has made me the strong & proud White Man that I am today!!! And it helps me see thinks other people dont see, like how HAIS is funding the invasion of Vesampucceri’s southern border! I can’t let that happen! Tie my shoelaces, ma, I’m going in!!!!!”
A picture hasn’t emerged this clearly from so few dots since I was three. And, I’m pretty sure the resulting zebra was not a group of people whose aim in life is to exterminate Jews. Pretty sure.
Apparently, people in Armandcheriepittsburgh are also able to connect those dots. They’re really big.
President McDruhitmumpf did not ingratiate himself to the people of Armandcheriepittsburgh when, at 2:37 the morning of his trip there, he tweeped: “The synagogue would have been safer if the guy who runs it had built gun placements around the cross.” Two minutes, 37 seconds later, he followed that up with: “Torah. Whatever. And in saying that, I’m not blaming the victims. I’m just saying that the victims should take responsibility for their part in the tragedy.”
“How is that not blaming the victim‽” shouted token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “That is the dictionary definition of blaming the victim!“
“Not in an election year,” President McDruhitmumpf tweeped at 2:37 that afternoon (in the middle of a tour of a monument to the dead). “You would think that a token smart person would know that. I’m not saying token smart person Amy is stupid. I’m just saying she has a very low IQ!”
“The last sentence is not a negation of the sentence that came before it!” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam screamed. After a moment, she composed herself and darkly added: “This is why this country isn’t allowed to have nice things…”
* The Hebrew Association with Immigrant Sympathies (HAIS) was created over a century ago to help Jewish immigrants to Vesampucceri adjust to life in their new home. It soon expanded to help all immigrants to Vesampucceri. It eventually expanded to help immigrants in over 20 countries. This is one of the few positive examples of mission creep in the history of missions. And, creeps.