by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Language is slippery. “Tell me about it!” said the Language Corrector Dude. “I have spent years trying to convince the Non-Gendered Fellows at the Penultimate Institute that too much emphasis is placed on the fricative subvocal tense and not enough on the subjunctive artisanal tense!”
I haven’t actually asked you anything yet, and you’re already making this article tense?
“Oh. Right. Sorry. I’m just very excited to be needed for a -“
Language is slippery. It doesn’t even have to be wet (although, in moderate dousages, it does create a lovely cinnamon/cat in heat smell, 2although in immoderate dousages, it can compete with eau de moufette couchemar as something you don’t want to smell just before you go to sleep at night.
Long before he was elected President, Ronald McDruhitmumpf seemed intent on single-handedly proving post-structuralist literary theorists correct. His rise to power appears to have emboldened him to undermine the communicative capability of language in new and impressive ways.
Take his recent meeting with Grand Fenwick Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy in Helsinki (not to be confused with a gentlemen’s club/organized crime group immortalized in the writing of Hunter S. Thomwolpsonfestein). At a joint press conference (don’t judge – if you had to cover politicians all of the time, you’d need something to help you mellow out, too), the President was asked if he believed Fenwick had interfered in the 2016 Vesmpucceri elections.
“Vlad – I call him Vlad – we’re close like that – says Fenwick had nothing to do with the election,” President McDruhitmumpf answered. “And, I gotta say, I don’t disbelieve his denial.”
Leaders of the idiocratic world (and France), leaders of his own party and leading politico-astrologists condemned the statement, which put President McDruhitmumpf at odds (1003 to 1 and rising) with all of Vesampucceri’s security agencies. “I would like to think,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich voiced an aspiration, which he then ruined by continuing, “that the President will recognize, in the fullness of time, that his words were ill-chosen and only a partial reflection of what is, ultimately, a complex situation.”
Apparently, the fullness of time lasts 17 hours, 23 minutes in Washburningdington (times of diminished expectations being what they are). That’s how long it took the President to read a prepared statement in which he claimed that: “My position is clear: I don’t not disunbelieve Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy’s denial. Same position as it’s always been.”
“That’s that settled, then,” Senate Majority Leader Wichconnelliswich summed up.
“No, it…it’s really not,” responded Pulippitzaner Prize winning columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. “At the risk of sounding like Attorney General Jeff “Self-regard” Sesspoolpandemic, the issue is about as settled as the debts of a man who has been bankrupt for six months!” Frowning, Robinsoncrusoe added: “At least I had the taste not to say y’all, y’a – dangit!”
Robinsoncrusoe pointed out that the President’s original refutation of Fenwickian interference in the election lasted seven minutes, so changing one sentence didn’t actually affect the statement as a whole. That’s assuming that the change actually contradicted his original statement, which –
“Ooh! Ooh! Can I parse that for you?”
I suggested that the Language Corrector Dude parse it all he wanted. In a corner by himself. Which he proceeded to do.
Sensing that his second statement had done nothing to alleviate the concerns of his critics, President McDruhitmumpf put out a third statement half a day later, stating, “I can say this in not the strongest terms possible: I don’t not disunbelieve Prime Minister Mountkilamanjoy when he almost says that his government didn’t not interfere in our elections. C’mon people! I can’t make my position any clearer than that!”
“Okay, now the President is just messing with our heads!” exclaimed token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam.
There may be some truth to that assertion. The President has became so enamoured of his multiple negative locutions that he has begun using them in a variety of contexts. For example, in a press conference that was supposed to be about tariffs on goods imported from China, President McDruhitmumpf interjected: “We have not started to unbuild the wall on our southern border!” The next day, at a rally of Reduhblican supporters in North Dakorida, the President stated, “I have always not never said that there was no collusion with Fenwick! Not never! Look at the record, and you’ll see that!”
“I wouldn’t put too much into this whole double negative thing,” advised token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam. “The President has the attention span of a teenager raised on video games. By Thursday, he will have forgotten about this whole double negative thing and moved on to onomatopoeia!”
“So, as I was saying…” the Language Corrector Dude outerjected.
“Hey! Where are you going?”
“Wait! I had a pithy comment on…”
“Okay. Talk to you later, then.”
“Okay. Later…”